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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask visitors to wait a while

30 replies

fifibella · 20/01/2008 21:53

i'm pg with 2nd, not due just yet. had first by em c section and had visitors just dropping in the day after i got home, was absolutely shattered and had baby blues for quite a while, (it wasn't my family dropping in it was dh's).

PIL had already seen dd at the hospital but they wanted to come round again with great in laws, dd was being passed around from pillar to post while i stood in corner just watching while photos were being taken of dd with everyone (except me).

would it be unreasonable to ask visitors including PIL to wait a while. i'm not talking about weeks just a few days or maybe a week. not sure if i will have to have c section again. PIL will no doubt be visiting the hospital.

OP posts:
bekkaboo · 20/01/2008 21:56

YANBU im doing the same next time, last time after c section aswell as you we had visitors everyday for month! was far to much but then again suppose would have been pissed off if noone came! When DS was 6 days old the inlaws came up for 3 nights, God that was a nightmare!

lazarou · 20/01/2008 21:58

YANBU. I don't understand why people can't be more sensitive. Tell your dh you don't want loads of people bombarding you this time. He will have to tell them and they will have to understand.

LadyOfTheCauliFlowers · 20/01/2008 21:59

That is exactly how it was for me both times.
my family stayed away out of respect for me, but dh and his didnt give a shitand did the whole passing baby and photo thing minus me.

Sorry, its really crap and if i have another, no fecker is going to be allowed anywhere near my baby till it is at least a week old.

Original poster
fifibella · 20/01/2008 22:05

just thinking a week is about right. dh's family will just have to lump it.

he had the cheek to say to me after dd was born and i wasn't up to visitors "well they're not coming to see you are they". will have an answer for him this time. he's not normally that insensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
fifibella · 20/01/2008 22:06

dh i mean.

OP posts:
Heated · 20/01/2008 22:12

God, how awful. My dh was like an over-protective guard-dog, booking visitors in and out!

Dh's don't have a lot to do, we see all the action, it's the least he could do.

Tell him it's his job to book the visitors in, no one until day 4 or whatever. It's what you want.

3madboys · 20/01/2008 22:16

not unreasonable at all, i am due in 5wks and have said that this time i dont want visitors for the first week or two, my parents are fine with this, they said they did the same. but my inlaws are being arsey about 'wanting to see the new baby' with the last three dp's family have all arrived within 48hrs of baby being born and they stay for about 3 days, they sleep at a hotel but are at our house for all their meals etc and dont go back to their hotel till late at night.

the day after i had ds2 they were at ours, it was gone 10pm at night but i couldnt go to bed as they were still at our house and they had the nerve to say "oh you do look tired" i really felt like saying, what the fuck do you expect i have just had a baby and you wont piss off so i can get some sleep.

pretty much the same after i had ds3, but this time i have already told them the score, they are not happy about it but tough.

indiechick · 20/01/2008 22:19

YANBU, I had exactly the same problem with my family, including sister who turned up to stay first night I got out of hospital. We only had a one bedroom flat at the time so non-sleeping dd was in bedroom with me and dh, sister was in the living room and she complained that dd had kept her awake. This time I am seriously not telling them I've had baby until about at least a week after she/he (we hopefully find out tomorrow) arrives.

FourPlusOne · 20/01/2008 22:32

YANBU - thi shappened to me after DC1 was born. All of DH's family came round and sat there passing DC around and not giving him back to me!! I remember that I left the room for a minute and someone had moved into my chair and no one offered to get up and give me my seat back. This has really stuck with me, and it still annoys me now. I hadn't slept for 2 days and no one was really bothered about how I felt. His parents had already seen him once anyway so it's not as if they had to come - they just wanted to bring the rest of the family. I was quite annoyed with DH about this as I'd told him before the birth that I wanted him to put his foot down with the visitors and he just didn't. Same happened with DC2 despite me going on at him not to let it happen again. Think he though I was criticising his family, but my fanily weren't the ones doing it. There aren't many pics of me with newborn DC1 but loads of his family holding him! Wish my DH had been more like yours was heated.

spicemonster · 20/01/2008 22:35

There is only one photo of me with my DS in the first few days after he was born but tons of him with other people which still pisses me off.

Definitely YANBU - tell them to bugger off and not to visit at home until you've had a chance to recover, especially if you've had a CS. And you need time as a family to adjust to having an extra person too.

Why are people so bloody insensitive? It makes me v cross

Tommy · 20/01/2008 22:37

not at all - try and hold them off.
I was really ill afer I had DS3 and in the high dependency unit. We told everyone (read - my Mum!) that only DH was allowed to visit me there but, the minute I was up on a regular ward, she organised a more or less continuous stream of visitors (not all people that I wanted to spend time with) - fogetting that not only was I managing with a new baby but that days before I had been at death's door and I may have wanted some time to recover

coby · 20/01/2008 22:44

No YANBU at all. You need time for just you, your DH, DD and DC2. I really think your DH needs to help you acheive this - esp as it seems that his parents are not getting the hint so far.

If it is any consolation, it seems that the interest wanes with the increasing number of children. I'm expecting DC3 in May and hardly anyone seems to remember I'm pregnant

Original poster
fifibella · 20/01/2008 22:44

the situation has really stuck with me also.

dh's family have one photo of me with dd and it was taken about 12 hours after the c section, dosed up on painkillers and looking like i was on another planet. they have loads of photos of every other member of their family with dd. they're still like it now, and its beginning to look obvious, FIL has started waiting till i go out of the room before he gets the camera out.

dreading how things will be when dc2 is born. we shouldn't have to worry about these things should we.

OP posts:
ineedapoo · 20/01/2008 22:46

Dh family did this arrive at the hospital and stayed for 8 hours passing dd round

Original poster
fifibella · 20/01/2008 22:46

situation being how they were with regard to passing dd around and taking all the photos.

OP posts:
Alambil · 21/01/2008 00:46

Won't the hospital (if you are kept in) tell them to bugger off if you say so?

Just book in to a hotel for the week - they can't see you if they can't find you (If ONLY it was that easy!)

Seriously though - do you have to let them in? Would DH listen to you if you said "no" ?

beansprout · 21/01/2008 05:24

Ah yes, the baby passing/picture taking, I remember it well!

I really don't think you are BU if you simply aren't up to visitors. I had an emergency c-section with ds so know just how rough you can feel. I really don't understand how their desire to hold a baby outweighs your physical and emotional well being. Surely you should come into the equation at some point?

I also agree that subsequent babies don't generate the same level of interest but my current experience (am having dc2 this week) is that I feel a lot more confident this time and am saying "no" to things that I just felt I had to accept last time. So... Dh's mad sister will NOT be turning up on our doorstep with a toy for a 1 yo the day after I get home!! So nuh!!!

HaventSleptForAYear · 21/01/2008 12:38

Definitely agree with interest waning for n°2 - after all the interest last time you might find you're offended because noone is bothered this time !
I felt over-whelmed with visitors in the hospital (was in for a week) with DS1, but with DS2 DH didn't invite anyone or tell anyone for 4 days (phone out of order from storms - we don't have a mobile). My family are in the UK and PIL down south in France so actually I had 0 visitors.
Was SO lonely because DH had to look after DS1 too so wasn't in v. often.
i think you just need to make it clear about what times people can come and that they need to make it short. For ex. when people phoned to say they were coming round, I just said that from lunchtime til 5pm was out of bounds because I needed a sleep at that time - with a newborn it's so unpredictable that you need to block off that amount of time to hope for 30 mins !
Also, I wouldn't stay up this time round if people did come, I would be off to bed whenever suited me.
hope you find a compromise - sounds like a nightmare last time

Shazza2002 · 21/01/2008 12:49

YANBU

I remember when I came home from hospital at 4:30pm in the afternoon (had DD at 12:10am) so not even 24 hours old and there was MIL waiting for me when I got there (was living with my parents at the time). I can remember it was like having an out of body experience, everybody was passing the baby around and talking and it was like I could vaguely hear but didn't understand what was going on.

PG again and this time we have our own house, which isn't so conveniant for MIL or anybody else to drop by. Plus she doesn't drive so will have to wait for DP to go and pick her up, but maybe in the excitement of it all he may lose his keys

weeonion · 21/01/2008 12:53

we told everyone well in advance that there would be no visitors for 2 weeks. i wasnt sure how i would feel and as my folks are all in ireland - i didnt want all of dps family to have seen the baby before them. as it turned out - we went visiting after a week - people were more pleased as it was ahead of when they thought.

stick to your guns - do not have this as a regret hanging over you. you will never get the early days back again.

evenhope · 21/01/2008 13:07

I had this from the ILs for all 4 of my older children Their speciality was 3-hour-long evening visits, first week home.

The day I came out of hospital with number 2 DH didn't pick us up till the afternoon and I got home to find that my grandparents (who had come to look after us) had invited the ILs "for tea". There was nowhere for me to sit and they all swooped on the baby.

Before I had DC5 last year I reminded DH of this. He had completely forgotten and hadn't thought it was a problem. I shouted explained to him in words of one syllable that his parents had wrecked my first weeks home with each baby, and told him to keep them away. Amazingly he did.

happymumathome · 21/01/2008 13:43

YANBU, early babyhood is a sea of emotions/ hormones most of them yours so everyone else should recognise and be sensitive to that! As for all the posters with the ILs only taking pics of them or DP and the new arrival...... do what I did to have the last laugh and give them a bloody huge framed pic of me and baby!!
I am sure that it is probably hidden between visits but I don't care it makes me feel better about all the insensitivity of the early days.

EffiePerine · 21/01/2008 13:49

We decreed that family could visit us in teh hospital (to ease the boredom and bring snacks ) but no visits for the first 2 weeks at home. They grumbled a bit but no real complaints as it applied to everyone. It was great and very much needed

DH even more adamant than me about visitors and was capable of sending them off at the door, so no-one even tried!

cat64 · 21/01/2008 14:00

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Trolleydolly71 · 21/01/2008 14:09

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