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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have not visited my friend?

28 replies

Onahotsummersight · 15/08/2022 15:13

Friend lost her df 3 months ago.
We live quite far away from each other 4 hour drive.
She is married and has 2 dc , same with me.
When he died she sent me lots of really involved texts describing how she felt, the death etc , and I took time to carefully and fully reply as well as check in on her.
I also sent a heartfelt sympathy card.
For the first few weeks she was back and forth with family .
I have my dc back from uni so the house is busy, graduation, supporting graduate with job related issues, an illness in the family, 2 pt jobs. She said she wanted to visit so I said sure. Time passed to 12 weeks later.
Then i get a message saying why havnt I not visited her? And that i was not very supportive in not doing so.
I understand grief is a process, and this could be related to that, but i have been left with the feeling that she and her dh feel ive let her down.. which I would hate to do.
I did reply to this saying about the busy time, the illness, work etc , but got no reply and I am left with the residual feeling that I have let her down? Aibu? And feel unsure what to do.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 15/08/2022 15:15

Yes you should have visited especially as your excuse was you are too busy. And she was willing to come to you

sammylady37 · 15/08/2022 15:22

Omg yes, you absolutely should have made the effort to visit after the death of her father. When my father died, friends and colleagues made very lengthy journeys to support me. I am in Ireland so I appreciate that we ‘do’ funerals differently to how they’re done in the U.K. but nonetheless I think you should have made the effort. Some of my colleagues made a round trip of 7.5 hours in one day to attend my father’s wake. Similarly, I’ve travelled long distances to be with friends after a bereavement.

Keyansier · 15/08/2022 16:06

I'm a bit confused by the other replies so far. She wanted to visit you and you said "yes". Then she didn't say anything for 12 weeks and then asked you why you didn't visit her even though you didn't arrange that. That doesn't make any sense.

Whataretheodds · 15/08/2022 16:07

I'm thinking the same as @Keyansier

Underthemoon1 · 15/08/2022 16:08

I'm going to disagree with the other posters a bit - it sounds like the OP was pretty supportive, just not there in person which to me sounds fine. When my DF died I was very grateful for the cards and messages from people, especially those who did more than just a token, single message. I definitely didn't keep track of who had visited! Or have expectations from busy people who lived many hours away. If a friend of mine reacted like that I would think their grief was making them a bit OTT. But sometimes grief does that, so I would try to ring and arrange to go over and maybe send some flowers if you're trying to smooth things over.

Dumle · 15/08/2022 16:08

I think you have let her down, if you're truly care about someone and their wellbeing you make time to see them.

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2022 16:09

If your children are UNI age, then you should have been able to find time to support a friend.

Onandupw · 15/08/2022 16:12

But didn’t she ask to visit you?? So why would she now have expected you to go see her?

I also have a bit of a different view if it’s the natural passing of a parent rather than a violent or unnatural death/death of a young person.

it’s the circle of life. Upsetting. But it’s not a tragedy.

XCTX · 15/08/2022 16:14

For what its worth I think its a tricky one, you were supportive but on the other hand you definitely could have done more - reading between the lines she really wanted to see you regardless of who visited who, and you could have been more perceptive to that. I don't think it makes you a bad person, just guilty of being a little self centred, which we all can be.

However, what we think doesn't really matter in this instance, you could have an army of us re-assure you that you're right, to not worry, that you haven't let her down, but the reality is that she feels you have let her down, so you have. I would come off MN seeking validation from strangers and get on the phone to your friend as soon as possible to get bridge building (and arranging to visit her!)

Augustwine · 15/08/2022 16:15

I think you perhaps could have offered to visit her, especially when she brought up visiting-maybe could have followed up that conversation? However you didn’t really let her down since she didn’t arrange a visit/ask you outright either. I wouldn’t give the excuse that you are too busy with your adult childrens part time jobs/job hunting though as that sounds like a fake excuse. Maybe just say that you’re really sorry you didn’t know she wanted you to come and of course you’ll come now.

mast0650 · 15/08/2022 16:17

I think if you knew she wanted you to come and visit and didn't go because you were "busy" then you are probably in the wrong. But if you didn't realise that was what she wanted, then you are not. Perhaps you should have explicitly asked if she would like you to come, but I wouldn't necessarily expect you to unless you are very close friends who normally rush to be at each other's side in person when there is a crisis. It sounds as if you offered lots of support at a distance, which is all I would really expect from 4 hour's drive away, as well as saying she could come to you. It would be different if you were half an hour away!

You say "time passed to 12 weeks later". Were you in touch with her during that time, checking she was OK? That's the important bit. Not whether you visited her.

10HailMarys · 15/08/2022 16:17

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. She asked if she could visit you, you said yes she could. But she apparently chose not to. If she'd invited you to come stay with her and you'd said 'Nope, too much on at the moment' that might have been a bit off, but basically she is annoyed that you didn't visit when she'd never indicated that she wanted you to visit in the first place. I agree with @Underthemoon1 and @Keyansier - I don't think you've done anything wrong at all here. You were supportive, and not everyone can always be there in person every time a crisis occurs. Presumably you are not her only friend?

I'd also add that if I had just lost someone, the last thing I'd want is to have a host a house guest. I'd just find that a bit stressful and would rather have the time alone without having to worry about anyone else. So if I was supporting my friend in other ways then I wouldn't just assume automatically that they'd want me to come and visit them, unless they asked.

AnnieDav · 15/08/2022 16:17

If a good friend didn’t visit me after my Dad died because they had a graduation and had to airport said graduate with job issues (how much time can that possibly take up?!) I would feel like they were fobbing me off.

AnnieDav · 15/08/2022 16:19

The OP hasn’t mentioned the circumstances of the death. I lost a parent in their early 70s due to medical malpractice. It felt like a tragedy as they could easily have lived another 10 years. Not sure you can say any non young person death is part of the circle of life 🤨

sundayvibeswig22 · 15/08/2022 16:20

I didn't visit my good friend after her dm died. I lived a 1 hour flight away. I did send flowers, a card snd was texting/ calling regularly. I don't think you need to physically be with someone to be supportive.

Givemesunshines · 15/08/2022 16:22

I had a friend before in a similar situation. They wanted to come to me to get away, for a break. Maybe that is part of the picture .

drpet49 · 15/08/2022 16:25

“I'm a bit confused by the other replies so far. She wanted to visit you and you said "yes". Then she didn't say anything for 12 weeks and then asked you why you didn't visit her even though you didn't arrange that. That doesn't make any sense.”

^This. You’ve done nothing wrong OP.

shazzybazzy34 · 15/08/2022 16:33

I thought she wanted to visit you? You said yes and then 12 weeks later she gives out to you because you didn't visit her? Nope, I don't get it. Neither would I impose myself on a grieving person by inviting myself or just turning up.

You did absolutely nothing wrong OP.

Onandupw · 15/08/2022 17:01

@AnnieDav my comment was a violent or unnatural death / of a young person. Ie meaning unnatural death of an older person very upsetting also of course.

but possibly an insensitive comment of me to make - it’s hardly a grisly competition. Please do feel report my comment if it’s insensitive - I don’t want to upset anyone of course

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2022 17:32

When I lost my dm, I saw my two closest friends regularly and they came to funeral (they knew her 30+ years) a couple of friends on our street brought flowers. I wouldn't have expected anyone to travel several hours, calls/messages are fine.

I wouldn't have assumed a friend wanted me to visit, I may have offered for a close friend. But she suggested she visit you, so nothing implied she wanted u to visit. I would apologise and say you must have misunderstood and thought she wanted to come to you and have a change of scene.

Riverlee · 15/08/2022 17:43

You’ve done nothing wrong. You sound like you’ve been very supportive to her.

Its only been three months. Some people prefer this time to grieve in private.

Four hours is a long way, that’s not a pop-over-for-coffee trip.

Prior to the death, how often did you visit? How close are you to the friend?

purpleme12 · 15/08/2022 17:49

You said she asked if she could visit you
And you said yes...
What happened after that?
I would expect you or her to say something else for example when or a date?! Surely it wasn't just left as 'yes'?!

purpleme12 · 15/08/2022 17:52

purpleme12 · 15/08/2022 17:49

Or 'sure'

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/08/2022 18:07

She said she wanted to visit you, but you didn't actually do anything about inviting her?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, especially using adult dc job hunting as an excuse.

secular39 · 15/08/2022 20:17

YABU. If my friends, God forbid, parent dies, I would visit her within a week or two or book 1 day off from Annual Leave to visit him/her. Well... they do say that situations like these show who your close friends are.

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