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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter ghosted by friends

40 replies

SammyTheDog · 15/08/2022 12:20

Really need advice please. 12 year old daughter is being 'ghosted' by her former friendship group. One girl seems to be behind it. She has one by one, isolated my daughter from her wider circle of friends. There's no good reason for this and my daughter is bewildered and upset. She's constantly crying and asking 'what's wrong with me' and 'am I unlikeable' etc. My heart breaks for her.

I don't want to approach the parents because they'd probably force the girls to pal around with her and that'd make everything worse. She's dreading going back to school and is sitting at home all day, looking at her former friends having fun together on social media. I know girls are mean at that age, but never thought it'd be this bad. Please advise, I'm at my wits end

OP posts:

delilabell · 15/08/2022 12:26

I'm so sorry to hear that. Teenage girls are vile. I had very similar happen when I was a teenager. Thinking what helped me. My mom and dad aacknowledging was awful. Treated it with the awfulness it deserved. One of the friends in the group broke away and became my friend also. Keep your eye to see if there is a "brave" one.
Try to find her other friends but wait it out with her. The summer holidays are the worst for things like this.
I'd also make school aware so they can be prepared to help when it's time to go back to school.
sending you all lots of love. It's a horrible thing to happen

neverbeenskiing · 15/08/2022 12:28

Your poor DD. Friendships at this age are tricky and girls can be vile to one another. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do. You are right not to involve the other parents, that will almost certainly make things worse for your DD. Does she do any extracurricular clubs or hobbies? That might he a way to make some new, more positive friendships. Sitting at home looking at her friends on SM definitely won't be helping, she needs to be getting out of the house and kept busy as much as possible. If they haven't made up by the time September comes around (I work in a school and you would be amazed how often this happens and they're all best mates a couple of weeks later!) then maybe email her Form Tutor or Head of Year to make them aware that she's feeling isolated. They can't fix the problem for her, but they can discreetly keep an eye on her.

coffeeisthebest · 15/08/2022 12:29

That sounds painful for your daughter. In your shoes I wouldn't approach the parents, certainly not at that age. I would try and detach her from social media, that will just be adding salt to the wounds. I would also make sure I am a strong advocate for her self esteem right now, so she understands that I know there is nothing wrong with her, that she is likeable, that basically her self worth does not lie in the laps of these services other girls. Point out that we all can go through on phases of feeling lonely, like we don't have friends, but that school is a time when we can change friendship groups, make new friends with relative ease due to the sheer number of people around us. Try and keep her busy with activities the two of you can do together this summer and then see how the new term goes.

CuriousMama · 15/08/2022 12:31

It's heartbreaking. My very shy DSW was left out of his friendship group. This was last years of comp. He self harmed and was suicidal. Not saying your dad will go that way but it was so awful. Now he's 21 in the navy and happy. I never thought he would be. I've always had his back.
It's good did is confiding in you.
Sending much love as I know how awful you feel ❤️

CuriousMama · 15/08/2022 12:31

That should say ds2 and he isn't shy now. A little bit sometimes but not generally.

SeasonFinale · 15/08/2022 12:33

Does she have any others friends outside that group or are there any school clubs she could sign up to that they may not where she could form new friendship groups?

In the meantime is there one she might like to invite over now on a one to one basis? That may help.

neverbeenskiing · 15/08/2022 12:33

The kids at my school who seem most resilient to these sorts of friendship issues tend to be the ones who have strong interests or hobbies that they're passionate about. Whether that's drama, sport, cadets, anything that means they have a peer group made up of like-minded kids separate from their school friendship group and keeps them occupied so they don't have unlimited time to wallow and obsess over social media when something does happen. If your DD hasn't found her 'thing' yet, now would be a good time to figure out what it could be.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/08/2022 12:36

Heartbreaking. This happened to me at a similar age.

My mum spoke to the school and let my teacher know discreetly, I didn't want a fuss, and the teacher moved me to sit on a desk with another lovely group of girls (looking back she must have asked them to be nice to me) and I started a new group of friends with them. They were fab.

The original friends pop up on Facebook sometimes and I always feel smug that they look trashy now.

VestPantsandSocks · 15/08/2022 12:37

Perhaps make your house the "fun house" and invite all the girls over regularly except the instigator?

Or arrange lots of cool activities.

Thatiswild · 15/08/2022 12:38

My daughter is 12 too and it is awful, social media is the absolute worst for this age as this whole putting stuff on their stories etc drives me insane, I’ve asked my daughter to please not share things she’s doing online (she has WhatsApp only), but others have it all over the place, sometimes there appears to be no purpose other than to show off and it makes other people feel terrible if they were excluded. I think she gets it now after something similar happened to her and it really hurt.

Something similar to what you are describing has happened to me as an adult and I have had to think to myself these people were never my friends.

Encouraging other activities or contacting an individual friend who is generally kind in the group might be a an idea. Sometimes people are invited to things and have no idea why others aren’t there so may not be deliberately isolating your child if you know what I mean, so may respond positively to a one on one/small group activity.

I’m so sorry your daughter is feeling like it is about her personality etc, that is so horrible, girls can be so, so mean and so can women. A horrible lesson at this sensitive age.

Vikinga · 15/08/2022 12:41

I would talk to the parents but also ask them to be discrete about it. I would want to know if my child was involved in ostracising a friend and would talk to them about it. Ask them how they would feel and that actually it could happen to them. That friends should stick up for one another etc. Ie. Be the friend they want for themselves.

If it doesn't get sorted then yes speak to school and see if they can arrange them to sit with nice kids.

Blackopal · 15/08/2022 12:48

My sympathies, it's so painful seeing your child hurt like this, watching confidence being destroyed when nothing has caused it.

My 11 year old has been dealing with this for last 2 months. Like your situation, one very dominant girl has systematically ousted my child.
The things I have done is speak to school to let them know what has happened.
Have got my daughter in two outside school activities that get her away from phone and gives her a wider world view.
Over the holidays I have successfully separated her from her phone (she only got it a couple months ago and it brought school drama into our home).
Apart from that I let her talk and don't try to diminish how much it hurts. I let her know it is common and it doesn't define her.

I am also dreading the return to school.

Wishing your little girl well.

Onlyhuman123 · 15/08/2022 12:50

Make sure she limits her time on social media...it really is awful for them at their age. Does she have friends other than school friends? I.e. does she have friends from an external sports group that she could meet up with? My DD had similar and it broke her heart. I explained that they all want to be accepted so will encourage the isolating behaviour of another of the group (some of them will be feeling awful because of it) as it means that they are not the ones being isolated IYSWIM.

She understood, from a very early age sadly, that she will need to have the tools and skills to deal with females like this throughout her life. She's come out the otherside now and has a nice circle of friends in and out of school but it is a long, sad learning curve. It shouldn't be!

I do hope she is able to get over it soon OP.

MsTSwift · 15/08/2022 12:54

This happened to Dd 2June 2021. Omg it was awful. What we did fwiw

Encourage an out of school hobby that might lead to other friends. Her dance friends meant she at least had some girls to hang out with last summer

Encourage her to walk away absolutely from the toxic group. Do not stay and be the whipping girl. She’s better off alone than doing that.

Be brave and reach out to other girls at school.

Listen to Taylor Swift Mean and Best Day. Say look it happened to her happens to the best of us. Can she stay with granny or a family friend for a few days? Do fun stuff. Be sympathetic but breezy.

Dd now going into year 9 she’s the most popular girl in her year has an entirely new group and the little witch that instigated her bullying last year is desperate to join.

MsTSwift · 15/08/2022 12:58

Don’t talk to the parents - they won’t believe you. Even if they did there’s not much they can do.

I wanted to talk to school but Dd fiercely did not want me to so we didn’t. Her lovely English teacher kept her behind and said “I can see what they are doing to you this happened to me keep strong you are better than they are oh and they are all bitches”. Ok not pc but I will always love that woman!

LondonWolf · 15/08/2022 13:06

Is there perhaps a "weak link" or two who could be invited on some fabulous, unmissable outing? Thereby disrupting the "none of us like her do we?" narrative?

LondonWolf · 15/08/2022 13:09

Agree with making sure teachers informed. Dd has no friends at school - additional needs - and is a prime target for bullying. It's happened but never really taken root as she has several fierce and aware teachers who stamp on it ruthlessly the minute a snidey comment is uttered. She's not on SM either so they can't get her that way.

Omnivert · 15/08/2022 13:29

Happened to me in secondary school. Teachers noticed and tried to help but the best advice was to find other better friends and it made all the difference. It taught me resilience and a year later when others were scapegoated from the same group I got the last laugh.

I hold friends slightly at arm's length now, enjoy their company but don't rely on them entirely which is a bit sad but I have also learnt how to make friends easily in any situation and so have very wide and diverse friendship groups which is great.

Hankunamatata · 15/08/2022 13:33

Its crap. My parents got me to join air cadets. Whole group new friends. No one really from my school. It saved me. Look at stuff for her to join to make friends outside of school

Mariposista · 15/08/2022 13:35

My heat aches for her. This is such a tricky age and friendships are so volatile with girls, yet they are the most important thing to them! And phones and social media makes it all 100 times worse than it used to be. Plan lots of family stuff to do with her, and hopefully she will make some new, better friends in year 8.

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 15/08/2022 13:35

I could have written this post word for word OP.

My DD is going through the same thing, one nasty ringleader who everyone follows like puppies because she's a catalogue model.

DD has been ostracised by everyone and it's heartbreaking over the holidays seeing her with no friends.

MsTSwift · 15/08/2022 13:41

It is really terrible. It’s often not personal the group need to attack someone to bond. Or they are jealous (this was the case for us). Your dds have to pretend to be strong not care and walk away - it takes away the groups power.

Dd2 has been changed forever by what happened. She’s very very careful now and holds back even with the new nice friends. Maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Hannakl · 15/08/2022 14:23

Exactly the same thing happened to my daughter at the same age. It was very upsetting at the time but definitely for the best. It forced her to make different friends who are so much nicer. She actually got stalked a bit for a couple of months by the old group a bit like a toxic ex boyfriend! Her self esteem improved as soon as she started to make other friends, so I would do everything to help her make new friends and encourage her to move on from the old group who don’t deserve her.

Mary46 · 15/08/2022 14:28

Op so sorry feel for her. Girls are horrible. I remember my daughter say x girl didnt want her walking to secondary with them. I was hurt for her. Group fell out shortly after. So nasty though

CulturePigeon · 15/08/2022 14:41

So sorry, OP.

This happened to my daughter, and as you say, there was a Queen Bee at the centre of it. It's no help to you at the moment, but it's very common.

Teenage girls at this age can be horrendous. They become status-obsessed and a huge amount of their self-esteem and happiness seems to depend on hurting and ostracising others. Group dynamics mean that weaker (but possibly less spiteful) members of the group will side with the perpetrator as a self-preservation tactic. Horrible.

I can only suggest you do all you can to encourage other friendships (easy to say, I know) and make her tutor or teachers aware, in case things take a really serious turn. I wish my daughter had changed schools, but she was adamant she wanted to stay put.

Good luck and I hope things improve for her.

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