Daughter ghosted by friends

[SammyTheDog]

Really need advice please. 12 year old daughter is being 'ghosted' by her former friendship group. One girl seems to be behind it. She has one by one, isolated my daughter from her wider circle of friends. There's no good reason for this and my daughter is bewildered and upset. She's constantly crying and asking 'what's wrong with me' and 'am I unlikeable' etc. My heart breaks for her.

I don't want to approach the parents because they'd probably force the girls to pal around with her and that'd make everything worse. She's dreading going back to school and is sitting at home all day, looking at her former friends having fun together on social media. I know girls are mean at that age, but never thought it'd be this bad. Please advise, I'm at my wits end

I'm sorry OP and to other parents who've been through this.

My DD went through this for two years. One particular girl took a dislike to my DD as she's generally quiet and turned her friends against her. Her friends were scared to talk to her in case they were targeted by the bullies.

My DD was only 9 when this started. She'd come home and her moods would swing from saying she wanted to die/what was wrong with her to having huge meltdowns and shouting at home.

The school tried to help, but nothing worked. I also tried to speak to the parent of the ringleader and was told it was my problem if my DD was too soft it handle challenging situations!

Then lockdown happened and my DD became a different person - she didn't have to see her bullies. When school resumed again in March last year, DD went back and came home upset. Apparently, the girls had started calling her "smelly" and "stupid" and "dumbo". They walked around the playground chanting this at her until a dinner lady noticed and intervened. Then she'd had to sit on her own on a bench until lunch break was over.

I'd had enough by that point and called the school to say she wouldn't be coming back. We somehow managed to find a place in a different school for her within two weeks. It's been much better and she's happy again - albeit she still has confidence issues following the bullying.

I'm not saying change her school as that's a drastic step, but it's what worked for us. As someone who was bullied as a child, I'd say please be there for your DD and remind her how loved she is. Try and out of school clubs where she can meet other children.

Good luck!

@neverbeenskiing I agree with this

An interest outside school gives kids (1) good self esteem, feeling that they are good at something and (2) a sense of perspective, that SOME people still enjoy their company

Bonus points if it's a competitive sport. When children realise that, sometimes, you do your best, still lose, but it's not the end of the world, that's a great life lesson

Very depressing that this cruelty is so widespread and common 😔

This happened to me when I was 11. It was awful. I was lucky enough to have a couple of friends outside school in Guides and St Johns Ambulance. Not perfect, but it meant I still had friends that were not part of the school clique.

Your poor dd. Are there 1 or 2 nicer girls she could invite over from group privately.
Make friends away from school. Does she do Guides? Good idea to have activities with none school friends.

Biased as I’m a Guide leader but it does give them a mix of friends from lots of schools. We do activities that boost confidence and some of the skills we do cover issues like friendship. We did a nice one where everyone had to write something and fold paper over then the girl reads it at end - I was chuffed to bits with mine as were the girls eg x is kind, x is good at baking.

Dh is quite black and white and has drilled into ours if someone is actively unkind you bin them immediately. I wasn’t sure but actually think it’s good advice.

Accepting that these girls are not her friends and finding new ones is important. Your dd needs to find some new hobbies and should avoid engaging with these girls especially about being excluded.

This happened to me when I was in year 11, one friend decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore, no idea what I'd done?!? As I was the only one from our friendship group (of 4)in a different tutor group they stuck with her and ignored me too. It was right around exam time and summer holidays as well. I tried to make other friends at school but everyone was quite set in their friendship groups and I felt like a spare part.

Funnily enough once we left school and started college one of the friends that ignored me recommended me for a summer job which I then did all through college and uni and another apologised to me on the first day of college. I don't know if anything happened over the summer between them but I appreciated them reaching out. We were never that close again after that but nice they acknowledged they had been out of order.

I also felt sorry for the main girl that started it all when she had no friends a few weeks into college (I had friends that were from another school) so I invited her to join us. I know I'm to soft! We didn't really see each other much after college but I did meet my now DH through her and her boyfriend so I feel my kindness was rewarded!!

I don't know if it's a result of this but I don't have many close friends now, I think I avoid getting to close to people to avoid getting rejected.

I hope things work out for your daughter, is there any girl she's particularly close with, I'd try to encourage that over the summer to give her some confidence, even if it's a friend from outside of school.

She isn't missing out if they arrive that.

Make some new friends? Any cousins to hang out with.

This behaviour has been going on years but I expect its got worse.

Why keep looking at social media that's what they want.

When I was at school their was one girl that liked ruling and if there was a fall out everybody wanted to be on her side.
I think she was very unhappy.
She used to.make one girl give her her sandwiches to eat on the way home.

Never worked this out was she hungry or just being nasty?

Friend of mine has a daughter whose friends were on the cusp of bullying her. Also when she has some anxiety problems not one contacted her to offer help. I feel for you OP - I am not sure an easy answer but But as @CrawlingFromShitshowToAfterglow says - friedns daughter ( who was in final year left) & so much happier doing all her own things now knowing her family is supportive

Just wanted to say a massive thanks to everyone who replied. Things have improved a lot since my original post and I took every piece of advice on board. She's doing a little better now, and has made some good friends over the summer from her various sports activities.
You're all so kind to take the time to offer advice. x

Good to hear things are improving. Same thing happened to my DD earlier this year too.

So glad things have improved for your daughter. That's great to hear.

That's good news ☺️