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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gotten annoyed with someone commenting on what I eat?

40 replies

CuriousityMe · 14/08/2022 15:51

So a few years ago I was 3.5 stone heavier than I am now. I've maintained a healty BMI and weight since and do eat a lot healthier now, while still enjoying an occasional treat. A family member said to me I need a more varied diet, I'm too rigid in what I eat. In fact I'm not - there's very little I don't like and never leave food behind me on the plate. This person doesn't live with me so has no idea how varied my diet actually is; I think maybe they think I'm too healthy, which I'm not. I never skip meals either but look forward to my food. I got annoyed with them and said I have a varied diet. This has upset me - but I think it's the fact of the words exchanged. AIBU to have put them right?

OP posts:
BlueWhaleBay · 14/08/2022 15:58

That person is totally out of line. None of their business what you eat. If it’s someone in your immediate family though, they probably won’t change.

Original poster
CuriousityMe · 14/08/2022 16:23

I would never comment on what someone was eating, and who's to say what they eat is 'better' or more acceptable.

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 14/08/2022 16:25

Isn’t the question why do they think this? What’s giving them this impression and why the secrecy over who it is?

Original poster
CuriousityMe · 14/08/2022 16:29

It's brother's wife. Twice recently I declined dessert when out for a meal with them. Two courses was enough for me.

OP posts:
IvebeenUpAllNightNoSleep · 14/08/2022 16:31

This isn’t so thing I could give a shit about really. Can’t you just ignore them?

Lemons1571 · 14/08/2022 16:34

Jealousy - are they bigger than you? Do you think they feel guilty when you decline a dessert, as they don’t have the willpower to do the same? So, if you have pudding they feel better about their choices….

Twawmyarse · 14/08/2022 16:35

Just ignore her - it's just projection as you probably make her feel like a fatty for ordering dessert - her problem.

Mooloolabababy · 14/08/2022 16:35

She's being rude op. How does it possibly affect her if you refuse dessert?
Any chance she could be jealous of the weight loss and keeping it off?
Well done on the weight loss btw!! That's impressive, the hardest part is keeping it off and you're doing that!

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2022 16:39

'jealousy', ha!. As someone said on another post today, on this site, everything ends up with jealousy. If you're comfortable with ehat you eat, don't give this any more head space.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/08/2022 16:45

Oh I hate this. Why do some people feel the need to comment on what anybody else is eating? Ever?

I wouldn't have been polite, I would have asked her why my diet/eating habits were any of her business. I wouldn't care for the relationship, there really isn't one if you have to prepare yourself to be quizzed on your eating.

I would also tell my brother.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/08/2022 16:50

What is it then, midsomermurderess? I mean, you don't like the accusation of jealousy so what is the reason that somebody pays so much attention to what another woman (and it is always a woman being scrutinised), is eating?

OP's diet/eating habits - regardless of her size - are her own business. Most women are cognisant of others' judgement about them/their eating/diet so you'd think that another woman would keep quiet. OP though has made changes to her lifestyle resulting in positive weight loss and is maintaining that. Is that such a threat?

In the absence of another reason I'll go with Occam's Razor and put it down to envy/jealousy as well.

LaughingCat · 14/08/2022 16:55

Say whaaaat? I’d get annoyed about that. I just spent a week in Butlins mostly subsisting on mini croissants, pizza and copious amounts of apple crumble and cream. None of my OH’s family said a word.

Today we’re back and I made a spicy tuna, chopped vegetable and avocado open faced sandwich for lunch and I’ve made up a batch of basil pesto, on a chicken breast baked with fresh tomato and reduced fat mozzarella, and a corn, avocado and cherry tomato side salad.

My OH’s family wouldn’t have a clue how I eat at home. Your SIL is totes out of order for making that assumption about you and making you feel bad for making food choices that are perfectly reasonable (though seriously, you forgo dessert for a starter? My heart is crying 😂)

Forget about her sour grapes. You keep on doing you because you sound perfectly sane and happy with it!

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2022 17:07

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/08/2022 16:50

What is it then, midsomermurderess? I mean, you don't like the accusation of jealousy so what is the reason that somebody pays so much attention to what another woman (and it is always a woman being scrutinised), is eating?

OP's diet/eating habits - regardless of her size - are her own business. Most women are cognisant of others' judgement about them/their eating/diet so you'd think that another woman would keep quiet. OP though has made changes to her lifestyle resulting in positive weight loss and is maintaining that. Is that such a threat?

In the absence of another reason I'll go with Occam's Razor and put it down to envy/jealousy as well.

How do I know? I don’t know these people. No one here does. But it’s astonishing how much jealousy comes up on this site. I think it’s stunted emotional development. And there’s no need to write an essay about it.

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2022 17:07

And a thoroughly pompous one at that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/08/2022 17:19

It was a genuine question and it was at least civil.

NotApplicable · 14/08/2022 17:33

My in laws are like this to the extent I've nearly stopped contact, because the constant personal digs at my perceived lack of food consumption (their family revolves around food and all have weight issilues) was making every family event stressful. It was giving me anxiety attacks where I felt I HAD to eat the same ain't as them so as not to cause offence or provoke comments, but made myself ill and my IBS flare up.

They know I come from a genetically slim small family who don't generally eat big meals. Dessert has never been a thing for me. And I have digestive issues. But they don't give a damn, because food and eating is the be all and end all.

But the last time my MIL got snarky with me and I ended up (secretively) in tears because I wouldn't eat 3 people's left over Indian takeaway along with a freshly cooked quiche and salad, with a dessert to finish, despite the rest of the family only eating quiche and salad, made me realise I had to stop trying to keep them happy at the cost of my own physical and mental health.

Now I only eat what I want, I decline and refuse what I don't want and I just completely ignore any comments. I don't explain, I don't justify, I don't reason. I just blankly ignore. Any attempts to get ne to eat what I don't want are just met with a straight forward and consistent 'No thank you'

They dont bother any more

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2022 17:33

Is she overweight herself? Ignore her

KohlaParasaurus · 14/08/2022 17:36

A former colleague of mine, a charming woman, faced with a similar comment, said, "I eat MY food. I don't eat YOUR food." It's difficult to find a response that isn't defensive, doesn't sound rude or snappy, and doesn't encourage further intrusion into your food choices, but that's the closest I've heard.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 14/08/2022 17:47

Yeah, jealousy (despite the eye rolls that answer clearly engenders in some). If you’ve lost loads of weight and someone keeps trying to make you eat pudding under the guise of being concerned for your health, they’re fucked off about it. Ignore her. Congratulations, btw.

Original poster
CuriousityMe · 14/08/2022 18:07

Good to hear I'm (mostly!) not being unreasonable to have said something.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 14/08/2022 18:12

I lost a few stone a while back and a couple of people were weird about it and kept commenting on my eating - ironically, one of them kept suggesting I wasn’t eating enough (invariably just because I’d said no to a cake or something at work) and the other said “Ooh, are you allowed that?” or “That’ll wreck the diet!” every time I ate anything that wasn’t a vegetable, so I couldn’t win.

The thing was, I ate loads, didn’t cut out any food groups, nothing. I just set a calorie limit to stick to on most days, and it wasn’t actually even a very low one because I was very active with exercise and walking.

ddl1 · 14/08/2022 18:13

It may not be jealousy in the strict sense, but she may take your not eating dessert as an implied criticism of her doing so. In any case, she shouldn't be commenting.

FangsForTheMemory · 14/08/2022 18:13

It's the height of bad manners to criticise what someone else is eating.

Would really like to know how you lost 3.5 st and kept them off though?

BurgerQueen23 · 14/08/2022 18:15

I lost weight and lots of people started to comment on what I ate or didn’t eat. It’s jealousy. A lot of people don’t like it when others get slim and especially not slimmer than them. Hi

Tiani4 · 14/08/2022 18:23

"Dear SIL, hi please don't comment on what I eat again, I'm an adult and I eat a varied healthy diet.

Regardless I'm sure you weren't trying to body shame as that would be unkind,

Thank-you , Curiosity