What makes a friendship blossom?

[Lordylord1]

in your opinion ?

Common interests, circumstances or place you have to be ( school gates, work, yoga). I think the last is really important as you get older and getting friends to meet is like herding cats.

A “click”.
Something that mutually binds and bonds.

Acceptance, so for me, the other person does not show, comment or seem to notice how fucking weird I am.

I think your right in that you need to see the person regularly in day to day life

What about toxic friendships - how come some of them are toxic and some not?
could it be lack of boundaries for one party?

Shared experiences. Seeing people regularly. That's why friendships can blossom at work.

Toxic friendships I thought were just down to one person being unpleasant. Like being a user or being jealous.

Can be lack of boundaries, can be one side’s need to control the other. Lots of reasons why friendships can be toxic. It depends very much on the people involved.

I think one of the most important things in good friendship is to be relaxed about it. Don’t expect other people to think and do exactly what you do, don’t take offence as soon as someone does something you would have done differently, accept that people won’t always have you as their number one priority. Things like that make good, lasting friendships, in my experience.

I think just each of you making the effort in the early days to see if you like one another. We’ve made two couple friends over the last three years. Admittedly couple A features DH’s Work Wife (from a previous job) 😆 and couple B features his best friend since he was 6, so that helps. However, we’re now really good friends. We hadn’t actually seen DH’s Work Wife in about a year before we suggested meeting up and DH hadn’t seen his bestie in about 18 months but we decided we needed to get out more. It’s definitely about putting yourself out there. We tried it with couple C and they were a pair of knobs. We went out with them twice and they were insufferable bores. We saw the woman once, after we’d met up, and she said ‘we must meet up’ and we just gave her the side eye because we didn’t want to 🙄

In my experience one party is the organiser and the other the organised! Otherwise no one would ever meet in adulthood. Sometimes I get pissed off at being the organiser all the time.

Trust, mutual sense of humour, effort and common interests.

I'm a very type A personality so most, if not all of my friends are all Type B. Couldn't get on with a fellow control freak

im really trying to work out where iv gone wrong. I have some really good friends but also had some major fall outs. I know iv probably not made the effort I should have over the years because of my own mental health and things I was caught up in but I’m feeling very isolated at the moment and have noticed I don’t get invites anymore
I had 4 friendships since my early twenties thay were very intense and close but also had big callings out with. Perhaps they were toxic as they were so intense almost like relationships

But friendships are relationships

They require just as much effort as a romantic one to keep alive

Dare I say more of an effort as there is less of a sexual bond keeping things going (well hopefully) if there is a lack of romantic effort

They may need effort but I find that people don't have patience for that kind of intensity as they get older. Especially parents.I am not saying this is you, OP, but I have distanced myself from drama llamas recently because I have enough drama in my parenting life. One friend who is an incurable hypochondriac and very flaky for instance. I no longer have patience with people who are always late or cancelling.

I just think maybe they were too intense?

I’d really like to be able to avoid such fall outs in the future

@Lordylord1

What do you consider intense

You seem quite off by the way of writing so I'm leaning towards them being quite normal levels of friendship and you being the issue

Friendships that go from first meeting to intense do not last in my experience. If you develop one with someone they cab be fun and intoxicating for a while but be aware that they will end. The long lasting friendships grow up slowly over time and potter along quietly.

Can I ask what you mean by off ?

Time.
Shared interests.
Respect.
Humour.
Sometimes alcohol 😁

Fuckin’ ‘ell. 😮

Effort! Giving the other person time. Then giving you their time.

@Lordylord1

You are asking this question in the first place is a bit off

Most adults know how to form and maintain friendships

You've isolated yourself and are now saying about people being intense

It's more likely you were withdrawn, over them being intense. And thats the issue at hand.

I don’t have parents around or any family, so yes I do have difficulties as I never really had anyone role model healthy relationships.
sometimes iv stayed in very unhealthy relationships and friendships just because I didn’t want to lose them and be alone.
i guess if I did know then I wouldn’t be posting!

Actually, I think lots of adults don’t know how to form and maintain friendships. And rather than sitting at home struggling with something that they can’t manage, it is great that there are forums like this one where people can come and talk about things they find difficult. Keep asking whatever questions you have, OP. There are some strange posters on here, but there are also many who want to support and help others negotiate the things in life that they find challenging,

Regarding your friendships, it might be that those previous ones were too intense and that is why they ended the way they did. If you haven’t been being social, you may have dropped off people’s radar. The way to get back out there is to invite them for a coffee yourself. Don’t sit around and wait to be invited, you have to make the effort yourself. With new friends, don’t be too intense. See each other from time to time, exchange the odd message and give the relationship time to breathe and to grow.

@Lordylord1

Then yes, as I said, the issue here seems to be how you behave in friendships and your expectations/input into them.

Relationships of any kind require effort

You withdrew from putting any effort in

All the things that make any relationship successful.
Kindness.
Thoughtfulness.
Respect.
Communication.
Consideration.
Shared humour.
Time.
Common interests.