To think H is going to spend the rest of DSs life hurting him to punish me?

[Christonabike37]

I've posted a few times under different usernames. Aggressive but no physical contact, called police, let him back, hell. Today I suggested we live apart but stay together for a while, he was his usual mardy complaining negative self. So I said right OK then, I don't want to live together anymore so if you don't want to stay together but live apart then our only option to split entirely. After more bickering because he wants week long over nights and full 50:50 when he spends a few hours here and there with DS who is by my side all day and all night. he decides he's taking DS out, obviously I can't wrestle him out of his arms so here I am at quarter past nine, hoping my 1yo baby comes home soon. He will be over tired and upset but at least H has proven a point and made me worry. If he comes home at all. Then what do I do? Call the police because my H is out late with his son?

This will be the foreseeable future won't it? My beautiful wonderful boy being punished for me wanting to feel safe at night.

I guess there's nothing really to gain from this thread. I just hate myself for letting this man have such power over this amazing little boy. He deserves so much better than I've given him and it breaks me.

So sorry OP just want to send you a hug…I know this “game” from personal experience and its shit. The good thing is he will get bored of it and cut down on the time he has DS, this type always do xxx

God I hope you're right. He can't be arsed at the best of times. I don't think he'd manage on his own for a week at all but I worry that he'd just be nasty to DS he'd never "accept defeat"

I'm sure people will post soon with advice, but I just wanted to say, whatever you do, do not say anything like this to him. I.e. "please don't use our son to prove a point", "I was worried" etc.

Because if that is why he's doing it, you're just telling him it's working.

Be very very careful how you play this, you are going to have to outsmart him at every turn and hope that he soon loses interest. He will not lose interest quickly if he knows it's working.

Your husband is an asshole. You will be well rid. Your beautiful boy knows you love him and will see that prick for what he is soon enough. Sending hugs! Stay strong 💪

I would call the police to be honest. Perhaps it’s not an emergency but if you do not know where he is this is serious. I would at least call the non emergency number and ask what their view is about a man doing this.

Could you move further away from him? I ended up moving 140 miles away from my now ex dh in similar circumstances when dd was 9 months old (she’s now 19). I made it difficult for him to have contact knowing he was only really bothering in order to try and make life more difficult for me. I was right and gradually contact became less and less as he had to be more organised and have dd for proper specific times. Eventually he just buggered off to Thailand for a year and then some time later moved to the USA!

What happens if he brings him home and won’t let you near him? Bars you from his room? Surely this needs some police intervention so that he gets a talking to about being reasonable.

Honestly, if you are truly worried and you’re 100% done, pack what you need when he’s at work, get out the house for good and make him apply to the court for access to his child. That way you know that it’s documented and he runs off with your child you can do something about it.

Apologies, I don’t want to alarm you but to encourage you to get some advice. Can one parent really be very irresponsible in this way and nothing be done? After fire has done good advice, I think. He’s not likely to keep this up if it becomes too much effort.
Hope baby is home soon.

You need to get a court order here. It will spell out what he can and can't do, where and when. Safer for all involved. It also does not mean he will get 50:50. You can request either weekend and no over nights until x yrs old. If you are the poster I think you are the police have a record of domestic violence which will help your case.

Get a solicitor asap.

I'm sorry that you have one of these too. I remember those days well. I used to beat myself up every time ex did this with DD... I'd feel so bad that she was hungry, tired or had sat in a dirty nappy for so long that her bottom was raw. I felt it was my fault. It wasn't. Please realize it's not your fault, you have no control over what he does.

Men like this do run out of steam. The less attention you give this kind of behaviour, the faster they lose interest. So my advice is say nothing, literally nothing - don't react to it as that is exactly what he wants you to do. Accept now that you will have to pick up the pieces countless times, over and over again and keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for his choices.

I found it helped to have a routine to apply when this happened. I'd put DD straight in the bath, cleanse and decompress. It really helped her to discharge the stress she felt from spending time with him and re-set things when she got back home.

Start maintaining a diary of everything that happens. Put a telephone recording app on your phone and screenshot all relevant texts. Start preparing evidence.

I have been there myself and it’s a long hard fight but you can do it, don’t let him manipulate you or use your son as a weapon against you, I wish I would have blocked all the contacts because this behaviour never stops, never show him it’s hurting you as he will do more and if you can put court order in place with very clear instructions as you can call and say to cafcas that he is using your son to stress you, please make sure you inform GP and keep a record there just in case you need a GP letter. I have been through hell and my son is 15 now but honestly as long as you believe he is safe with his dad do not over stress yourself. As he will be achieving exactly what he wants, disengage yourself as much as you can from him like if he provoke you via text or any situation just give him cold shoulder, do not waste your time arguing. No matter what he says or writes just reply back with simple fewer words. I hope it will get easier for you, hugs and prayers

When he comes back don't let him know you've been worried. In face of you can, go to bed and let him sort out bedtime for your DS.

He will run out of steam if he sees you not being bothered by it.

If he is on the birth certificate police can’t do nothing as he is with the other parent regardless of how worried the other parent is. They can only step in if there is a restraining order in place or if there is any evidence that he would put the child in danger. If he was at another house an op had any concerns for the child’s safety they might offer a welfare check and that’s about it. I had a friend who’s ex partner done this and it was horrendous

That’s awful. So if there is nothing the police can do then baby needs checking and evidence gathered if he’s been left in a dirty nappy and is sore. I’d get away from there as fast as possible to be honest.

Is he back yet @Christonabike37?

Unpopular opinion but move away

Agreed 💯

Stay calm op and as soon as you're next left alone with your son pack yourselves a bag each and go to womens aid.

Did he bring him home safely?

You're in an awful situation and you need to be careful how you proceed.

When it comes to family courts they favourite 50/50 and they will grant 50/50 in all cases unless the parent has been directly physically abusive to the child. Their approach is the child has a right to have a relationship with both parents, and they aim to discharge all cases with 50/50 where possible and they do not like you going back for modification of that unless you have a real reason. It really does suck!
What did the police do when called? Did they remove him from the home?
It costs £250 (last I checked) for him to apply to the court for a contact order.

But if he attacks you and the police remove him that’s when you need to keep him gone. That’s when you need to contact domestic abuse charities and ask to be placed in a refuge and from there get housed.
When my ex tried to kill me it was the best thing he ever did for me. Even then though, even with the family courts knowing he attempted to kill me (on record, never got charged with that or anything) they were going to look at some type of contact with him because he had never hurt the baby, who he had held twice and was 6 months of age.

You're going to need to be very strong and play a game with this man. Don’t let him break you.

Knowing him; do you think he would pay for a court application and jump through any hoops for contact?
Does he have any substance abuse issues?
Do you think he will attack you if you try to leave?

Hopefully he is back now 🤞🏻

When it comes to family courts they favourite 50/50 and they will grant 50/50 in all cases unless the parent has been directly physically abusive to the child. Their approach is the child has a right to have a relationship with both parents, and they aim to discharge all cases with 50/50 where possible and they do not like you going back for modification of that unless you have a real reason. It really does suck!

I have worked in the family court system for five years and I can count on one hand the number of cases I’ve been involved with which resulted in 50/50 arrangements.

This is not always the case at all, I know personally really well two friends who both have their kids more than 50/50 and neither was in any sort of abusive or physical relationship problem situation. Both very acrimonious for different reasons and one was even a divorce because she cheated and still has her kids 5 days out of every 7

Okay, but did the dad push for 50/50 or did he agree to the lesser time arrangement?