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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think H is going to spend the rest of DSs life hurting him to punish me?

35 replies

Christonabike37 · 13/08/2022 21:17

I've posted a few times under different usernames. Aggressive but no physical contact, called police, let him back, hell. Today I suggested we live apart but stay together for a while, he was his usual mardy complaining negative self. So I said right OK then, I don't want to live together anymore so if you don't want to stay together but live apart then our only option to split entirely. After more bickering because he wants week long over nights and full 50:50 when he spends a few hours here and there with DS who is by my side all day and all night. he decides he's taking DS out, obviously I can't wrestle him out of his arms so here I am at quarter past nine, hoping my 1yo baby comes home soon. He will be over tired and upset but at least H has proven a point and made me worry. If he comes home at all. Then what do I do? Call the police because my H is out late with his son?

This will be the foreseeable future won't it? My beautiful wonderful boy being punished for me wanting to feel safe at night.

I guess there's nothing really to gain from this thread. I just hate myself for letting this man have such power over this amazing little boy. He deserves so much better than I've given him and it breaks me.

OP posts:

ivebeencalledworse · 14/08/2022 00:05

GiantSpaceHamster · 13/08/2022 23:57

When it comes to family courts they favourite 50/50 and they will grant 50/50 in all cases unless the parent has been directly physically abusive to the child. Their approach is the child has a right to have a relationship with both parents, and they aim to discharge all cases with 50/50 where possible and they do not like you going back for modification of that unless you have a real reason. It really does suck!

I have worked in the family court system for five years and I can count on one hand the number of cases I’ve been involved with which resulted in 50/50 arrangements.

I am glad to be proven wrong, it's what I've seen around me and what people have said in forums on it.

So, are you saying that the dad can push for 50/50 and the mum objects but the court favours the mum and gives the dad less time?

I believe when dad wants 50/50 he gets it unless he's a direct threat to the child. And if that's wrong, great.

Gagaandgag · 14/08/2022 00:22

NotStayingIn · 13/08/2022 21:44

I'm sure people will post soon with advice, but I just wanted to say, whatever you do, do not say anything like this to him. I.e. "please don't use our son to prove a point", "I was worried" etc.

Because if that is why he's doing it, you're just telling him it's working.

Be very very careful how you play this, you are going to have to outsmart him at every turn and hope that he soon loses interest. He will not lose interest quickly if he knows it's working.

Good advice x

Gagaandgag · 14/08/2022 00:25

Any update OP x

ilyx · 14/08/2022 00:29

I have worked in the family court system for five years and I can count on one hand the number of cases I’ve been involved with which resulted in 50/50 arrangements.

Find this very difficult to believe.

ilyx · 14/08/2022 00:31

This is not always the case at all, I know personally really well two friends who both have their kids more than 50/50 and neither was in any sort of abusive or physical relationship problem situation. Both very acrimonious for different reasons and one was even a divorce because she cheated and still has her kids 5 days out of every 7

Did those men even want 50/50 custody though? Did they fight for it?

vaingina · 14/08/2022 00:38

This must be torture for you.
If this is how he behaves when you make suggestions about the future, stop discussing it with him- just leave. Hopefully you will need to move far away for family support. Don’t let him know how horrible it was for you otherwise he will do it again and again. Me and my baby would be out of there double quick.

Lachimolala · 14/08/2022 00:39

My ex fought for 50/50. He got 4 nights out of every 14 this was only a few weeks ago so very recently. It’s not an automatic 50/50 the judge will decide based on what they think is best for the child/ren.

Did he bring your son back yet OP?

Make a record of all these events, dates and times etc. You'll need them and personally I would be making very quiet plans to leave. Gather your necessary paperwork, make sure you’ve got some money and move away. Have you got family you can go back to?

GiantSpaceHamster · 14/08/2022 10:29

ilyx · 14/08/2022 00:29

I have worked in the family court system for five years and I can count on one hand the number of cases I’ve been involved with which resulted in 50/50 arrangements.

Find this very difficult to believe.

You can believe what you like but it’s true. The general thinking in the courts that I work in is that it is important for children to have a stable, secure home base and while 50/50 can work well for some children, that’s really only in the cases where parents are able to communicate and co-parent consistently and without conflict - which generally isn’t the case for families in court. It’s about what is best for the child, not what’s fair to the parent. I’ve known plenty of people ask for 50/50 but not often is the order made.

QuandaleDingle · 14/08/2022 13:12

I hope her baby is back with her. 😔

Pinkyxx · 14/08/2022 13:34

My ex fought for a lived with order the first time round, the court awarded me a lived lived with order and contact for him. The second time he fought for 50/50, the court deemed contact should stay as it was per the original order ( ~ 50 nights a year). It's not a given that the FC will award 50/50 even to those who push very hard for it - my ex certainly did and has never let up, every few years he starts up again. I'm not saying the courts are perfect, they aren't, but their aim is to make decisions based on what is best for the the child not based on what the parents want.

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