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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go to the festival today?

48 replies

Wolfiee · 13/08/2022 09:41

DH loves festivals. I can handle stuff like that in small doses but I only do it for his sake, I’d never choose to go.

Im autistic and struggle with crowds and social situations. I used to drink alcohol to help me through them but now I’m teetotal so have to get through them without the Dutch courage - this is fine in small doses but I tend to need lots of notice to psych myself up and then at least a “day off” ‘events’ afterwards

Last night we went out for a meal and then to a comedy gig. This was stressful as DH told me it was in October and then suddenly sprang it on me on Thursday that he’d got the date wrong and it was actually “tomorrow” (as in last night).

DH was drinking throughout. I was obviously sober. Meal went well but we ended up having to rush it towards the end to get to the gig in time. We got to the venue, it was packed out, air very hot and stuffy. DH wanted to buy drinks so we’re stood in the rowdy bar area before the gig. I was feeling a bit of a meltdown coming on at this point, very stressed, too hot, felt a bit woozy, my Fitbit told me my pulse was 135. I just wanted to get to our seats. DH finally got served and we made our way to the seats … found them … I’m just about to make my way down the aisle and DH says “right, now we know where they are we can go and stand in the bar for a bit” 😱 I said “no I need to sit down”, DH says “come on, we need to go back out, I need toilet anyway” 🙄 ffs so we end up back in the bar area. DH runs off to toilet. We eventually get back to the seats and sit down. Pulse is now 95.

As we’re waiting for the comedian DH gets a text off someone at work asking if we’re going to the festival tomorrow (today). DH replied “hopefully”. I said “I won’t be going” and DH said “yes we are! You promised!”

I did no such thing!! I specifically told him on Thursday that I wouldn’t be going!! It’s £17 each to get in, it will be packed out, too hot and I’m already over threshold from the Friday night out!!

Nothing to stop him going but I don’t want to! Now he’s saying I’m unreasonable and being boring. FFS I just want to be left alone! AIBU?

OP posts:
Blackdiame · 13/08/2022 09:43

You stay at home, he can go on his own.

Ithinkwemightgetaholiday · 13/08/2022 09:47

He doesn't sound very caring, and he's not the boss of you. Just say you're not going and mean it.

PonyPatter44 · 13/08/2022 09:47

Of course you're not unreasonable. The joy of being an adult is knowing when you've had enough and saying, no, I'm not doing that.

BTW, why cant your DH go to the toilet on his own? Are you going to drip feed that he is physically disabled and needs you for personal care, hence why he says you 'have' togo to the festival?

RuthBrenner · 13/08/2022 09:47

I'd be furious, he's not listening to you or understanding your needs. Does he think that his wants trump yours?

RuthBrenner · 13/08/2022 09:49

BTW, why cant your DH go to the toilet on his own?

She never said he can't go to the toilet on his own. DH runs off to toilet

KangarooKenny · 13/08/2022 09:49

Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do.

Original poster
Wolfiee · 13/08/2022 10:00

PonyPatter44 · 13/08/2022 09:47

Of course you're not unreasonable. The joy of being an adult is knowing when you've had enough and saying, no, I'm not doing that.

BTW, why cant your DH go to the toilet on his own? Are you going to drip feed that he is physically disabled and needs you for personal care, hence why he says you 'have' togo to the festival?

No he’s not disabled, I am actually officially diagnosed autistic so out of the two of us, I’m the disabled one!

He does stuff like this all the time, like we’ll be heading towards the security booths at the airport and he’ll suddenly say “hold on, I need to stand here in everyone’s way and check something out on my phone” (not his exact words but you get my drift)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfiee · 13/08/2022 10:04

To add another point:

a couple of weeks ago I said to him “there is a dog show on Saturday, shall we go?” And he laughed, pulled a face and said “no thanks! Not my cup of tea I’m afraid!”

so surely this is the same thing?

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 13/08/2022 10:08

Refuse to go and tell him there needs to be a wider conversation about stuff.

heathspeedwell · 13/08/2022 10:09

Well done for standing your ground. Sounds like you need firm boundaries with your husband, don't let him push you around.

Technophobic · 13/08/2022 10:09

Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do.

Throwawaytoday · 13/08/2022 10:13

If you're in the UK it's going to be a billion degrees this weekend. That'll make the festival more gross.

Tell.yom to go with his mate and have a lovely time. Stay home and read a book. That's what I'd be doing.

moose62 · 13/08/2022 10:13

You don't have to have a disability to not want to go to a festival! I hate them.
As DH has other friends going just tell him he can go with them or go alone...his choice. You are an adult and can decide what you want to do or not do!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 13/08/2022 10:15

Don’t go. It’s not like you’ve already bought tickets and would be wasting the money, or that he’d be on his own if you don’t go. His friends are going anyway; he can just join them.

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2022 10:16

Remind him of the dog show and ask him why he feels you have to go with him to things you don't like but yet it's fine for him to say no to things you want to go to.

And tell him from now on you will follow his excellent example of not going to anything that's not 'your thing'

Original poster
Wolfiee · 13/08/2022 10:16

Thanks everyone. I’ve just told him I intend to do some painting today so asked if he’s going with a friend. He tried again saying he’d only enjoy it if I were there but I said I won’t be going - however if he does choose to go I hope he has a good time. He’s decided against it 🙄

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 13/08/2022 10:16

Don't go the festival. But you sound totally incompatible and that you don't really like or care about each other. Certainly he doesn't seem caring of you, or like he has any interest in compromise, eg also attending stuff you want to do but he isn't really interested in. So that's the bigger issue.

Original poster
Wolfiee · 13/08/2022 10:20

Alconleigh · 13/08/2022 10:16

Don't go the festival. But you sound totally incompatible and that you don't really like or care about each other. Certainly he doesn't seem caring of you, or like he has any interest in compromise, eg also attending stuff you want to do but he isn't really interested in. So that's the bigger issue.

I disagree, we do things we both want to do (like the comedy gig) but he is obsessed with music festivals which I’m not - wouldn’t be an issue if he just went with mates rather than wanting to drag me along to them. Plus if I’d had more notice and we were not out last night I would have gone but he knows I need notice and am not able to do stuff without a break inbetween.

OP posts:
willowglass · 13/08/2022 10:21

Boardmasters? It's a tinderbox with zero shade unless you count plastic open sided tents. Don't do it.

Dotcheck · 13/08/2022 10:22

I’d be pretty pissed to be called boring. That’s really shit

IncompleteSenten · 13/08/2022 10:24

Does he ever go out by himself or allow you to?

IllDoItButOnlyForTheAttention · 13/08/2022 10:30

I'm like you in every particular you've described, and there is not a single chance I'd be going to a festival this weekend (or ever, tbh).

It's weird that he won't go without you, when you say he has friends who are going. I'd understand his POV a bit if he didn't have anyone to go with. Although even then, you shouldn't have to go when you don't want to.

category12 · 13/08/2022 10:30

You're not joined at the hip. When you were at the gig, you should have gone and sat in your seat if that's what you needed to do, and let him go back to the bar if he wanted.

Have a chat with him about sometimes going with friends or family members instead, socialising independently sometimes and it not meaning your coupledom is ruined - and you go to dog shows etc without him too.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/08/2022 10:30

willowglass · Today 10:21
Boardmasters? It's a tinderbox with zero shade unless you count plastic open sided tents. Don't do it

Not at £17 a ticket - it's not Boardmasters.
(Completely misses point of OP)

Wonnle · 13/08/2022 10:32

Just don't go , you have already told him no . 17 quid sounds like a pretty low class event to me