To refuse to go to the festival today?

[Wolfiee]

DH loves festivals. I can handle stuff like that in small doses but I only do it for his sake, I’d never choose to go.

Im autistic and struggle with crowds and social situations. I used to drink alcohol to help me through them but now I’m teetotal so have to get through them without the Dutch courage - this is fine in small doses but I tend to need lots of notice to psych myself up and then at least a “day off” ‘events’ afterwards

Last night we went out for a meal and then to a comedy gig. This was stressful as DH told me it was in October and then suddenly sprang it on me on Thursday that he’d got the date wrong and it was actually “tomorrow” (as in last night).

DH was drinking throughout. I was obviously sober. Meal went well but we ended up having to rush it towards the end to get to the gig in time. We got to the venue, it was packed out, air very hot and stuffy. DH wanted to buy drinks so we’re stood in the rowdy bar area before the gig. I was feeling a bit of a meltdown coming on at this point, very stressed, too hot, felt a bit woozy, my Fitbit told me my pulse was 135. I just wanted to get to our seats. DH finally got served and we made our way to the seats … found them … I’m just about to make my way down the aisle and DH says “right, now we know where they are we can go and stand in the bar for a bit” 😱 I said “no I need to sit down”, DH says “come on, we need to go back out, I need toilet anyway” 🙄 ffs so we end up back in the bar area. DH runs off to toilet. We eventually get back to the seats and sit down. Pulse is now 95.

As we’re waiting for the comedian DH gets a text off someone at work asking if we’re going to the festival tomorrow (today). DH replied “hopefully”. I said “I won’t be going” and DH said “yes we are! You promised!”

I did no such thing!! I specifically told him on Thursday that I wouldn’t be going!! It’s £17 each to get in, it will be packed out, too hot and I’m already over threshold from the Friday night out!!

Nothing to stop him going but I don’t want to! Now he’s saying I’m unreasonable and being boring. FFS I just want to be left alone! AIBU?

OP, let your "no" mean "no".

It is not your responsibility if he chooses not to go, either - don't let him guilt-trip you.

Maybe keep mindful of your healthy boundaries - it would have been absolutely fine - and probably better for you - to have sat in the seat and let him go bac to the bar alone. Don't let his perceived needs outweigh yours.

He sounds stifling.

Why's he so seemingly incapable of doing something without you/on his own?

This. It sounds as if he has absolutely no understanding of your autism and how it affects you. I would be mentally drained after last nights effort, I would likely need a few hours in bed this afternoon to regulate (I like to get up and do house things in the morning). Calling you boring when you have a disability is vile, is he usually so horrible?

You don’t sound compatible. Stop forcing yourself to enjoy life with him. Find someone that gets you and loves the same things as you

I could feel my pulse rising just reading about the comedy gig (also autistic), heat, noise, crowds, NT people just don't get the anxiety something like this causes.

If I could describe hell it would look something like a festival. Not a chance would I be going, especially in this weather.

It doesn't sound like he takes your ND diagnosis very seriously. Is he aware how it makes you feel when you're in these environments? I think sometimes NT people just think it's a matter of 'man up' and 'it's no big deal, I'll be there for you' but it's more than that.

It also sounds like he thinks by springing things on you and making these last minute arrangements he can corner you into going. In many ways you don't sound compatible.

Is it because he will be drinking and you being teetotal means you are his transport so if you don't go it is harder for him to get home? No excuse for you to go though. It's up to you what you want to do with your day

I think also everyone is focusing on the the fact that you are neurodivergent but actually this is a human thing. If I don't want to go to something it doesn't make me boring. Dp will tootle off and do it if he wants to. It would be incredibly unacceptable for him to guilt me to go with him

If its not for you and you don't want to there is nothing wrong with that. I mean fair enough we all make the effort to engage with our DP interests..... to a point. What you've described , I'd be the same and I'm not autistic. I am neurodivergent but actually in such a way that in theory this wouldn't bother me. However I am human and too much, too hot, too many people at something I am not that bothered about is a reasonable no.

Sounds like my idea of hell tbh - far too hot and overwhelming for you if you don't like crowds too. You're an adult, you have a mind of your own and you have choices. You can choose to not go and don't let him guilt trip you. Let him go and relax on the sofa with a cool drink in your pants 😎

What is with people who will only go to something if someone else goes? Is it how they were brought up? My parents went to things on their own as well as joint things. There is no way I would go to something like a gig or festival or sports event if I don’t want to. He can go on his own if he wants to go that much.

He sounds very co-dependant on you.

This is the type of thing he should be doing with his friends.

In future if it’s anything you think you won’t like then say no straight away.

Make sure the things you do as a couple are things you both enjoy.

It’s a bit hot for a festival anyway. I mean it wouldn’t stop me because I love them, but you don’t, so don’t go. If he wants to go he can go by himself, it’s not like he needs you to hold his hand.

Who the hell are the random 8% who think YABU!?

How can anyone honestly read the OP and come away thinking yep YABU!!

I don't have a diagnosis for anything but I'm naturally introverted and need 'down time' after time spent in company and out doing things so I absolutely get that you don't want to do two events in a row. How can your DH not understand this if even strangers on the internet can?? He's BU, vvU

You should only have to say it once "no thanks, you go, I want to spend the day at home, alone, have fun" but if you need to then just keep repeating it every time he brings it up, don't deviate and don't feel like you need to pad it out with reasons as to why you don't want to go. He's trying to bully you into going and probably not for the first time, a reasonable person would accept your answer the first time.

Jeez, he sounds incredibly clingy and annoying. Why can’t he do things without you? Why does he think that it’s OK for him to drag you to a festival but not OK for you to ask him to go to a dog show?

How can he be married to you and apparently have absolutely zero understanding of how you feel about things like this? This man would drive me insane.

Yeah exactly just say your not going if you don't want to go

He socks very co dependant. Why can't he go to the bar and toilet and leave you in your seat. You could have skipped the bar area completely and gone and waited in the seats for him and been much calmer. Why on earth wouldnt he enjoy a music thing with a friend without you. That's not normal adult behaviour. Is he aware how stressed this as situations can make you? Have you pointed out the irony re the dog shoe. For someone so attached he can't go anywhere including to the bar without you right next to him. He doesn't actually have much concern for your happiness and well-being?!

Apologies for all the typos - hopefully still makes sense

But he also insisted they both leave their seats to go back towards the toilet because he needed to go.

I'd have refused at that point. If I'm ready to sit and wait for the how to start and DH needs the toilet he can go without me.

It sounds like he is not very sensitive to your needs. It sounds as though you are someone who needs for things to be organised and planned and he is more spontaneous.

I am constitutionally more like him than you and I would be fine with this but you are not but he got together with you knowing you found these types of scenarios difficult and he ought to be more respectful and considerate.

If the relationship is otherwise good I think you need to sit him down and explain that you don’t function well in these types of situations and he needs to try to understand this more.

Zombie thread

Ah how did that happen. Wonder if I can delete the post