Husband and son not getting on

[stressybessie33]

I have a ds11 and a dh - together 6 years, married 2. When ds was younger they got along well, always had a matey sort of dynamic between them as ds bio dad still very much in his life and dh didn't want to step on his toes. The matey relationship has veered into banter and teasing on both sides at times and has occasionally gone too far and caused rows.

Now ds is approaching his teenage years they are not getting on so well. Ds is admittedly being a little shit at times. Very sulky and rude, bad attitude. Anything, even the smallest request is met with huffing, puffing and protesting. Any reprimanding results in 'everyone hates me'. It is exhausting but par for the course in kids his age.

Dh doesn't get particularly involved in discipline but I know he thinks I'm too soft with ds. I maybe am. The kid has been through a lot and I love him to bits so I do let more slide than I maybe ought to. But when ds is directly rude to dh he will tell him off. Again, this is escalating more and more lately. There have been rows and bad atmosphere between the pair of them and it's making my life a misery. I am constantly mediating, trying to make dh see that ds is just a typical kid while also trying to explain to ds that his rudeness isn't acceptable.

Dh and I also have a baby and tbh I am knackered and fucked off with them all. I know people will say prioritise your ds, LTB etc. but truly I don't think that's the answer. Dh is a good man, he's done a lot for ds and me and our lives would be worse off without him. I once asked ds if he'd be happier just us and he said no. So this isn't a case of him being horrible to ds. It's just them not understanding each other and I guess dh not having that natural parental inclination to let shitty behaviour go like I do.

How can I improve this? I'm really worried about how things will get when ds is a teenager and really pushing boundaries. I love them both and constantly feel stuck in the middle. Has anyone else had this?

Bump

The new baby has probably upset the dynamic a but. Maybe do some more family stuff that focuses on the son a bit more, if thats possible

The kid has been through a lot and I love him to bits so I do let more slide than I maybe ought to.

Been through a lot of what? Do you let disrespectful behaviour slide? If you do, that's a huge mistake.

But when ds is directly rude to dh he will tell him off. Again, this is escalating more and more lately. There have been rows and bad atmosphere between the pair of them and it's making my life a misery.

Do you tell your DS off when he’s being directly rude to your DH?

Does he have the sort of attitude of “your not my dad so you can’t tell me off blah blah blah”?

Arguments, attitudes are all part of puberty and teenage years. Adding a new baby into the mix will also change the dynamic and priorities.

It may be worth trying to find out the cause of these arguments and when banter goes too far. Ask your son how he’s feeling. Ask him why he’s reacting like this and being rude. But at the same time ensure that being rude is unacceptable. & do the same with DH. Let him know if he retaliates or takes banter too far with your DS then that is also unacceptable.

What’s your son like with his dad? At school? Does his dad have a partner?

If you look on the step parenting board you’ll see plenty of posts about the relationship struggling once the teen years hit. The step parent can become the focus of resentment from a child trying to gain more independence than they're ready for etc.

You’ll see plenty from step mums finding things much harder once they have their own child. Combining the two is going to throw up struggles.

Your husband shouldn’t be getting into fights with a child, he needs to walk away before things get overly heated. But your son may be targeting him and it’s your job to manage that. Your son might be feeling displaced by new baby sibling too, make sure you’re getting one to one time with him.

It sounds like your DH has a point about you not dealing with your son being rude. Perhaps he's fed up with the attitude and you letting things slide and making excuses, so he's got no option but to pull your son up on it himself.

Deal with your son's rudeness yourself and stop leaving it to your dh to parent him. You're not stuck in the middle. You're putting yourself in the middle by not doing enough. The only person dealing with a rude child should be his actual parent. But you're letting dh pick up your slack then moaning that you're the victim and they're making your life hard.

I suppose I've always carried some guilt about me and his dad splitting up and the constant to and fro between us (although it was unavoidable and best for everyone that we did split). We've also had two significant family bereavements over the last couple of years that have affected ds badly. So I don't excuse his behaviour but I do wonder if he's going through things and acting up.

He doesn't act like this with anyone else. He's great at school and a totally different kid with his dad and stepmother. I do think he's a bit scared of his dad though who has a temper and can shout and be intimidating at times. I've said to dh that his attitude with us is a backhanded compliment in some ways - he's feels safe to act up here.

Regardless it's still not ok. If dh asks a simple request I'm holding my breath waiting to see if there'll be attitude. If there is of course I pull ds up on it but then I'm met with denial (I wasn't giving him attitude!) or blame (he was rude to me first!) and it's just draining. It will end up affecting my marriage as rightly or wrongly ds comes first, even when he is acting horribly.

As someone who has 2 adult sons, one no problem, but the other could argue for England. Anything asked was met with a sarcastic answer and he was (still is at 26) very stubborn with a temper and will never back down in an argument and will never apologise. DH and my DS were always falling out and I was in between and could see both sides of argument. They would only make up for my sake as they could see how upset I was. I’m sorry that I don’t have any other advice. I used to talk to my DS and say we have to just try and get along and although he agreed I think he just wasn’t mature enough to handle his moods. Are they any hobbies your DS could do with your DH, just the 2 of them, my DH put up with going to the cinema to see action movies together.

He’s 11. Puberty. A baby. Two lots of grieving. I think your DH needs to back the fuck off, tbh.

I say that as a mother of 14, 11 and 6 year olds.

11 is a bloody rough age for them anyway, without trauma thrown in.

You cannot hold children to a higher emotional standard than you would yourself or another adult; I see it time and time again, but mostly with blended families.

Doesn’t matter if he’s “done a lot” for DS, that’s part and parcel of being with someone who already had a child, and as his own father is very involved, then I fail to see how he can have done anything so extraordinary for him, that it would result in him being able to verbally abuse your DS, with you sitting there, doing nothing. DS doesn’t have to be grateful forever that a bloke who shacked up with his mother has been nice to him; that’s the bare fucking minimum, no?

@YellowPlumbob sorry at what point have I said dh has verbally abused him? He talks to him and occasionally asks him to do very simple requests and is often met with disrespectful attitude, backchat and told to shut up. It's not as if he's getting at him all the time but I think most people would have an issue being spoken to like that by a child. I hate to hear it myself.

New baby
near onset of puberty
stress in household

Have a talk with your dh. Tell him to stay calm and neutral. Kids do say very hurtful things at times, but as adults you have to be wiser.

He has a dad who shouts is intimidating and has a temper.
A step dad who acts like a mate.
A mother who let's him away with stuff.
And a new baby,
Throw in puberty.
Poor guy!

He needs security, consistency discipline and love.
He cannot speak to your DH in a rude manner and likewise your DH need to stop being a mate and stop teasing your son and parent him.

Your DS needs to learn some manners.

Neither of mine behaved like that and if they had there would have been consequences.

It's so challenging, I have three DSS and one DC with my DH. In teenage years I became the focus of a lot of anger and upset from my DSD she refused to come to us for a while, would swear and shout, cold shoulder etc. I'd been in her life about 7 years by this point and had been active and caring. She'd always struggled with her parents split more but when the hormones hit and she was angry and confused I was where that was focused. The only thing that really helped was time and patience, I gave her a lot of space, was warm but not too present with her. She found her way through and our relationship has repaired and we have a lovely warm connection now.

You said there have been rows.

Puberty makes kids like toddlers, only bigger and with swear words in their vocabulary. It’s not personal. Their brains are rewiring so to speak, they have very little impulse or emotional control.

Have a read of The Teenage Brain by Frances Jensen, a Paediatric Neuroscientist and single mother of two boys.

I think you and DH need to be a united front here. Set the basic ground rules for an acceptable level of behaviour ( taking into account the age and stage of DS and his new sibling’s arrival). Don’t sweat the small stuff but agree to be consistent and united.

Ask DH to ignore the small niggles, lay off any teasing and maybe encourage them to do some activities together.

with work this will pass and they can continue to have a good relationship. Don’t underestimate the level of impact a new sibling will have at the age of 11.

@ZekeZeke I disagree, he already has 2 parents he doesn't need dh to 'parent' him too. He isn't his parent. That said he does need to show him some respect in the way that I would expect him to show respect to anyone, especially someone who does show him a lot of generosity and kindness.

@PurpleWisteria slow clap for you for having perfect children.

@YellowPlumbob rowing doesn't equate to verbal abuse. If you are the target of constant rudeness even over something as simple as saying good morning or asking to pass a spoon then you are probably eventually going to snap. I don't blame dh for that I just wish it didn't have to come to that.

Lots of varied responses here that make me feel kind of better for not knowing the best way to tackle things. Ds does need to stop this rude behaviour but equally he needs to know he is loved and supported too.

A difficult age, a new sibling, school transition, two bereavements and a step dad who has a 'mate' dynamic with him.

He's had a lot to deal with, but he just doesn't see your partner as a parent figure, you can't suddenly force that. You need to do 100% of the parenting yourself and hope their dynamic resets to a place where your ds respects him as an adult in his life.

Stop letting your ds rudeness slide. You are being too soft.

Id never tolerate my child telling me or anyone to ‘shut up’ when asked a simple request.

OP why is he saying “everybody” hates him. I would be checking if he’s getting bullied. Sudden change in behaviour/worrying slip of the tongue etc. Maybe nothing but it’s possible he’s acting out at home because of problems elsewhere.

Sorry, I'd be planning my exit, and in some detail.

@Pyewhacket you'd end your marriage because your pre pubescent son has an attitude problem? Ok then.

@Discrimination1234 I did wonder but there is no evidence of this at all. He has a great group of friends, lots of support there. He sees friends a lot, plays online with them. He's part of two sports teams so friends there too. He isn't reclusive in any way. Outside of the house he is to all intents and purposes a happy and polite boy. It's just us that he does this with.

Hmmm saying its a compliment to your parenting that your son feels safe enough to get away with being rude to your DH is a bit of a joke. What was his reaction to that statement? I'd have been pretty irked in his shoes.
I don't think saying 'everyone hates me' etc. means he is being bullied or even unhappy - tweens are the masters at over generalising for effect.

All behaviour is communication.

I don’t know what you class as a row, but in my world, it would mean prolonged shouting at each other.

Again, this is escalating more and more lately. There have been rows and bad atmosphere between the pair of them

From your OP. Escalation, rows, bad atmosphere.

Who is the adult here, your 11YO or your husband? Because it’s genuinely difficult to tell. If your husband can’t cope with a surly shut up without rowing, he’s got a temper problem too. Seems you’ve got a type.