Husband and son not getting on

[stressybessie33]

I have a ds11 and a dh - together 6 years, married 2. When ds was younger they got along well, always had a matey sort of dynamic between them as ds bio dad still very much in his life and dh didn't want to step on his toes. The matey relationship has veered into banter and teasing on both sides at times and has occasionally gone too far and caused rows.

Now ds is approaching his teenage years they are not getting on so well. Ds is admittedly being a little shit at times. Very sulky and rude, bad attitude. Anything, even the smallest request is met with huffing, puffing and protesting. Any reprimanding results in 'everyone hates me'. It is exhausting but par for the course in kids his age.

Dh doesn't get particularly involved in discipline but I know he thinks I'm too soft with ds. I maybe am. The kid has been through a lot and I love him to bits so I do let more slide than I maybe ought to. But when ds is directly rude to dh he will tell him off. Again, this is escalating more and more lately. There have been rows and bad atmosphere between the pair of them and it's making my life a misery. I am constantly mediating, trying to make dh see that ds is just a typical kid while also trying to explain to ds that his rudeness isn't acceptable.

Dh and I also have a baby and tbh I am knackered and fucked off with them all. I know people will say prioritise your ds, LTB etc. but truly I don't think that's the answer. Dh is a good man, he's done a lot for ds and me and our lives would be worse off without him. I once asked ds if he'd be happier just us and he said no. So this isn't a case of him being horrible to ds. It's just them not understanding each other and I guess dh not having that natural parental inclination to let shitty behaviour go like I do.

How can I improve this? I'm really worried about how things will get when ds is a teenager and really pushing boundaries. I love them both and constantly feel stuck in the middle. Has anyone else had this?

@ZekeZeke

He has a dad who shouts is intimidating and has a temper.
A step dad who acts like a mate.
A mother who let's him away with stuff.
And a new baby,
Throw in puberty.
Poor guy!

He needs security, consistency discipline and love.
He cannot speak to your DH in a rude manner and likewise your DH need to stop being a mate and stop teasing your son and parent him.

THIS

What jumped out at me was his dad scaring him.
(I hsve 4 adult children 2 are step. )
That will be the biggest issue and my child would not be visiting until that was resolved

@Robin233 his dad and I split up for this reason amongst many others. He does shout and can be intimidating but that's his parenting style. Totally different to mine but seems to work in the sense that he doesn't get the bad attitude and rudeness that we do.

I'm pretty sure I can't withhold contact because he shouts. I don't like it but ds is always happy to go there.

@YellowPlumbob you seem to have an agenda here which is to convince me that my dh is somehow abusive which couldn't be further from the truth. He takes a lot of shit from my ds without saying a word. Maybe you think it's acceptable for kids to be telling adults to shut up for no good reason, I don't. And I'm trying to work on it without alienating my ds or ruining the relationship that is left between him and dh.

If I were your husband and was subject to abuse from an 11-year-old, such as you had described, and with no sanction from his parents, then yes, I would leave.

By your own admission, the problems with your son's behaviour and your priorities will affect your marriage.

I'm not sure what you expect from your husband but very few ppl would tolerate being spoken to like that for very long and you're starting to see the consequences of it now.

Lots to unpick here.
But acting like a mate to your ds has not afforded your dh the respect he's deserves.
He isn't his mate.
He is an adult and a step father.
You cannot be 'mates' with your kids.
The reason is because you may tell your best mate stuff that you wouldn't tell a child.
My dd has 2 fathers (one bio and one step)
They both parent - or did she's 30 now.
Kids need firm boundaries.
Not a bad tempered dad.
And if you left because of that - good on you by the way - your son needs the same protection.
It maybe even classed as abuse these days.

We went through a bit of this when I got married, having a ten-year-old son from a previous relationship. I was always in the middle, trying to buffer, trying to prevent conflict. It was exhausting, and it was no solution.

I had to go away for a few days, early in the morning. I left a note in the kitchen which said...

"Dear spouse and son,

I can't keep mediating. It's no good for anyone.

You two need to work out your problems between you. You need to understand and then get along. As things are, we're all unhappy and I can't bear that.

Talk about it while I'm away. I mean, actually sit down and have a conversation.

Love you...."

And they did. Didn't solve everything, but it gave them a direct connection that I, in my desire to 'make it all alright', had got in the way of.

Things improved a lot after that, and twenty years later they still get on very well.

@WalkingOnTheCracks
Absolutely
Sometimes mums do need to step back
Had this between my kids.
In the end I said similar and more or less the minute I step back things changed.

Thank you.

In my case 'dad needed to step back'. But the principle applies in either case.

Just for a little reassurance op.this isn’t just relegated to step and step kids. The teen years,a dad and his son…well shit the bed it can be horrid!ours was.they constantly went for each other.I’d go to say at one point didn’t like eacother.
I would say you dh needs to be able to parent.you say your doc has 2 parents.but your in a relationship with dh now.he needs to be allowed to be step dad.you not allowing this will be making your day unsure and possibly acting on that and making your dh feel more frustrated.
dcs need this walks,safety,boundaries.it’s actually what makes them feel safe.knowing there are rules,someone and so where safe where they can be told what and how to be and do things.where someone will catch them if they fall.
have you sat down as a 3. Discussed this together?