but...am I missing something?

[PlateuxDesFruitsDeMer]

So. I've been through some stuff. Nervous breakdown. 14 years in abusive relationship. Started a business, grew it. Had two babies. They are now 13 and 10. They are awesome kids and I get compliments from family and strangers alike on how bloody lovely and well balanced they are.

I recovered from my breakdown. Escaped the "relationship". Walked away from my business (toxic business partners with unrealistic expectations) and have in many ways, turned my life around.
I've got a great new job and have held it down for 2 years, I juggle this with bringing up my children single handedly. I have some great friends and a lovely new boyfriend.

And yet, and yet... I've put on SO much weight. I weighed myself at the doctors today (because I thought my bathroom scales were lying bastards... they are not 😣)and I am 14 and half STONE Jesus wept. I am 5ft 4... so I am OBESE.
I have been trying to loose weight and get healthy for the past 4 years but all that actually happens is I am heavier and heavier. I am now heavier than I was at full term with a big baby!

Its like I have a block on looking after myself. I can do whatever is necessary for everyone else but when it comes to me, I just can't stick to any kind of plan.
I am constantly journaling and planning to focus on "nutrition not diet" and a whole lifestyle change. But every day I find myself messing up the plan. Healthy food packed for breakfast and lunch on work days, healthy dinner waiting at home. But I stop and buy a sausage roll and bottle of wine on the way home and spoil the whole day. If I am working at home, I just seem to have no control over what I eat... toast and poached eggs for breakfast. Delicious. Plenty of calories But I want more, so I have more toast with marmite or ham. It's like my appetite is never satisfied
.
I drink too much. For sure. I like the taste of wine and rarely feel drunk. I can easily drink a bottle of wine every night and feel fine the next day. If I manage not to drink, then I can't sleep and feel rubbish in the morning. I fully appreciate the calorific impact (not to mention the health implications) of this but still can't stop myself.

I just want someone to tell me how to look after myself now. I just don't have what I need to do this... the self-discipline? The self-love? The strength.... how do I learn how to do this? I am so frustrated that I've come this far and now seem to have hit a wall.

Consume less food and/or do more exercise - it's not rocket science!

A bottle of wine every night?

That isn't just a calorie and health issue. That is way too much alcohol, and if you can't sleep without it, and feel bad the next day without it, I think you have an alcohol problem.

No, you are absolutely right, the science really isn't that complicated. I have all the plans. The apps, the workout clothes, the running watch, the knowledge.

But I can't seem to DO IT...

I'm hoping someone understands why I keep sabotaging myself and what to do about it.

Bless you I am the same, I was a size 6 and 7 and a half stone wet through for years and now over the last year I've gained looaaads. Slightly different as mines to do with being finally healthy and the medication I'm on but I could at least TRY and rein it in a bit with the food but i just have zero willpower! For the first time in my life Im eating 3 meals a day and loving it but not loving my body :/ I have no real advice but you're not alone

I wonder whether you can reframe this. One of the reasons I started to get fit and lose weight during lockdown was because I realised I was at greater risk of COVID because of my weight, and as a single mum I had a duty to ensure that I lost weight in order to continue to be there for DD.

This has been an up and down process for me but, rather than thinking about it as putting yourself first, could you think of it as being in better health for your children, ergo, for them not for you?

Could you possibly have developed an eating disorder as a way of coping with everything else?
There are far more types than just annorexia and bulimia.
Compulsive overeating/binge eating is the other extreme to restriction. Do you find it hard to think of anything but food? Do you feel the compulsion to eat when you aren't hungry, or even when you're already uncomfortably full? Do you eat things you actively dislike because you feel compelled to eat and it's there?
Can you be sat, thinking about how ashamed and disgusted you are with yourself and your eating, but still feel the overwhelming urge to go and eat something in that moment?
If so, you may well be worth visiting your gp for advice and potential treatment. It really isn't a simple case of everyone who overeats is just greedy it can be a very real psychological illness that needs treatment like any addiction, moreso as you can't live without food like you can things like alcohol or smoking.

I can completely relate. I did really really well a couple of years ago, lost 4 and a half stone and it was easy. Then I put it all back on 😂

If you can find a way to motivate yourself to really stick with it and refuse to give in to the cravings then you can crack it in 1 week.

1 week of low carb and the hunger will go and the cravings for sweet stuff, or stodgy pastry will be gone. Then calorie counting is actually pretty easy because you're not hungry and you enjoy salads and boiled eggs and find them satiating. You just have to get through that week by drinking loads of water, eating loads of green veg, protein and moderate fat.

i understand. I’ve been trying to loose weight for years, but keep gaining. In part for me I think it’s harder to lose weight at my age and I just love food. I love healthy food and unhealthy food…. All food.

I think you may have to face the possibility that you have an issue with alcohol. Do you feel able to speak to your gp about it? You might need some support.

It's absolutely possible that I do have an issue with alcohol. Self-medicating... Rewarding myself for getting through another day. I'm quite scared of admitting that in real life though. Then I'll have to stop.

You are dependent on alcohol. Can you start cutting down?

@AlmostAJillSandwich that all sounds really familiar actually. Its like a compulsion.
I eat on my own. If there are other people around then I don't raid the fridge like I do when I'm alone.
When I am with friends/children/BF I eat "normally"

Plan something for the evening which you can't do whilst drunk - knitting, crochet, yoga. Get nuts and less fattening nibbles in - assuming you stop drinking this should be enough to lose weight gradually.

The wine could well be affecting your metabolism as well. I've been where you are drink-wise and felt a similar dread of admitting to a problem and therefore having to give up. In the end I didn't need to admit anything to anyone. I read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and it totally reset me.

Have a listen to the podcasts by Sassy Sober Mum and Love Sober.

@PieceofKate I've just downloaded that on Audible, going to go and listen.

To everyone else, I do know that on paper the solutions are simple and straightforward. I'm relatively intelligent and have read and learnt a huge amount about the subject. But I am missing the fundamental switch between know and do. I'm really hoping someone can help me identify how to find this switch/magic talisman or just tell me that actually I can't do this on my own and do need to ask for help from GP/externally.

Thanks for your time - please be kind. It's a big step even writing this down.

Alcohol dependency is self medicating trauma.

That's what you're doing.

You have 2 options:

1. Cold turkey, tee total, go to AA if that suits

2. gradually reduce your alcohol consumption to at least below the recommended max of 14 units a week ( 1 1/2 bottles of wine pwk).

Both options are difficult.

Both will result in weight loss and improved health.

Continue as you are, you are at much higher risk of premature death.

Sending hugs OP. I could have written so much of your post a few years ago. I ended up in an abusive relationship and put on 8.75 stone. I knew all the diets, had been on plenty of successful ones, but could not lose this weight. I ate and ate and ate to a point beyond crazy. Then a friend introduced me to Overeaters Anonymous oa.org/. It's based on the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Programme and sees overeating as an illness- a progressive illness. It focuses on the emotional and spiritual aspects as well as the physical ones. I was absolutely lost in food addiction and OA was the only thing that worked for me and gave me sanity. Happy to chat if you want to DM me. Good luck

Sounds like you are low and using food and alcohol as a way of numbing yourself. It's a downwards spiral as the more you eat/drink the more your situation gets worse, you feel worse about it.

Let me tell you this...

You do not have a drinking problem
You do not have an overeating problem

You just have some issues and some very unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Try to get to the root of your problems. Be honest with yourself. Take time to feel your emotions. It's ok to be sad, angry, hurt. Let go of any grudges. Talk about your problems, even if you just write them down on here.

Take time for self care. Get a massage or a haircut, do a face mask, moisturise, take a walk, have a bath. Look at yourself in the mirror and find something that you like about yourself.

Take care

Stop drinking alcohol entirely. Starting today.

If you are incapable of doing that, you have a serious alcohol problem and you need help. How much you're drinking right now might be manageable, but it will get worse. You need to stop drinking.

Do you blame yourself , think stuff was your fault ? Think your kids are great despite you not because of you ?

Try eating only a whole food plant based diet for a few months. Ok to do some meat, fish and chicken but no processed food ie no sugar, flour, mince etc. Lots of legumes, beans, veg and fruit. Google Dr Greger, Dr Klaper and the like.

Dump the booze, I guarantee you’ll lose a stone in a month. Empty calories.

Stop drinking, completely. Th pounds will fall off.

You need to replace the wine, snacks, second breakfast etc with something else you want to do. Be nice to yourself though - you won't get far beating yourself up about this. And it's ok not to do everything at once, you could try just reducing the wine to start with and even that would result in if not weight loss than not putting any more on (and if you're anything like me you might find breakfast easier without post wine carb cravings).

I used to drink too much on a Friday night as a way of signalling the end of the working week and start of the weekend. When I first decided to stop that I felt totally adrift. I had to find something else to fill the gap in the routine, not the same thing every time but something I wouldn't do any other time: a nice long walk, watching a film instead of normal telly, cooking an elaborate meal. It felt weird for a few weeks but now the Friday night = wine link is totally broken in my mind.

It's about retraining your brain and to do that you have to make it feel good about what you're doing.

I've just read the obesity code by Jason fung. Very enlightening and helps reframe diets and eating.