but...am I missing something?

[PlateuxDesFruitsDeMer]

So. I've been through some stuff. Nervous breakdown. 14 years in abusive relationship. Started a business, grew it. Had two babies. They are now 13 and 10. They are awesome kids and I get compliments from family and strangers alike on how bloody lovely and well balanced they are.

I recovered from my breakdown. Escaped the "relationship". Walked away from my business (toxic business partners with unrealistic expectations) and have in many ways, turned my life around.
I've got a great new job and have held it down for 2 years, I juggle this with bringing up my children single handedly. I have some great friends and a lovely new boyfriend.

And yet, and yet... I've put on SO much weight. I weighed myself at the doctors today (because I thought my bathroom scales were lying bastards... they are not 😣)and I am 14 and half STONE Jesus wept. I am 5ft 4... so I am OBESE.
I have been trying to loose weight and get healthy for the past 4 years but all that actually happens is I am heavier and heavier. I am now heavier than I was at full term with a big baby!

Its like I have a block on looking after myself. I can do whatever is necessary for everyone else but when it comes to me, I just can't stick to any kind of plan.
I am constantly journaling and planning to focus on "nutrition not diet" and a whole lifestyle change. But every day I find myself messing up the plan. Healthy food packed for breakfast and lunch on work days, healthy dinner waiting at home. But I stop and buy a sausage roll and bottle of wine on the way home and spoil the whole day. If I am working at home, I just seem to have no control over what I eat... toast and poached eggs for breakfast. Delicious. Plenty of calories But I want more, so I have more toast with marmite or ham. It's like my appetite is never satisfied
.
I drink too much. For sure. I like the taste of wine and rarely feel drunk. I can easily drink a bottle of wine every night and feel fine the next day. If I manage not to drink, then I can't sleep and feel rubbish in the morning. I fully appreciate the calorific impact (not to mention the health implications) of this but still can't stop myself.

I just want someone to tell me how to look after myself now. I just don't have what I need to do this... the self-discipline? The self-love? The strength.... how do I learn how to do this? I am so frustrated that I've come this far and now seem to have hit a wall.

43, I seem to lose and put on the same two stone repeatedly. Every single one of my friends are in exactly the same situation. We had a conversation about how, if u want to remain slim forever, you have to always be watching your food and doing loads of exercise and We aren’t sure we want out r lives to be life that forever!

There are well researched, proven links between trauma and obesity. It’s not your fault and it’s not as simple as Eat Less, Move More 🤦‍♀️
I recommend you follow Rebelfit on Facebook - he’s a personal trainer who talks a lot of sense, backed up with evidence and above all is compassionate. He runs paid for programmes but there’s loads of useful content on the main page.

The alcohol use is probably also self medication. I gave up completely and, yes, initially my anxiety and insomnia increased but white knuckle through the first week or so and you’ll feel so much better. This Naked Mind by Annie Grace is a great book, or The Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley for something a bit less heavy.

This is not your fault, you sound really strong - time to use some of that strength for yourself.

I think you're using the eating as a coping mechanism. I've struggled with weight all my life and lately what's helping me has been:

• Keto (dirty keto, just count carbs) less carbs = don't have cravings. Maybe start 2 weeks with 100 carbs /day then decrease to 25 gr. Sounds hard but it gets easier, you choose your meals until you reach the limit

• Get help from a Weight Loss GP - Not completely necessary, but will speed up the loss. There are very good pills/injections that will help you don't feel hungry and burn fat

• I have no time to exercise at a gym so I got a treadmill, I do only like 4 days a wèek. I feel I loose more weight when I do the exercise.

• Set yourself a realistic goal, example: by Christmas I need to loose 10 kg or fit into that old red dress.

Good luck!

Thank you all for your replies. I came back on Saturday morning to reply, promptly got distracted by children and haven't had time to return til now.

To everyone who recommended stopping drinking. I have cut back dramatically. I didn't have a drop on Saturday. 2 small glasses with my dad and BF on Sunday and one last night. As I would easily have sunk a bottle (maybe more on saturday) this represents a huge achievement and change. I didn't feel too bad on saturday at all without it and the glasses I have had, I made very conscious choices to have them in company (Dad bought the wine on sunday as a gift... that he expected a glass of 🙄) I felt in control of my decision and said "no thank you" when offered more.

I think I do have mega underlying issues that need addressing. I appreciate that I probably need some serious therapy but the services are so terribly stretched and as I am no longer in a mental health crisis, I don't want to absorb these resources. I don't think its fair. But I do need to do something. If anyone has any ideas of free or cheap sources of support to help me, please do say.

I do take SSRI's (sertraline) which keep me level these days and they may mask emotions which I still feel but the edges are blurred. I tend to eat/drink my feelings. That's a relatively easy thing to do.

I really am so grateful for all of your input. Thank you so much.