Aibu or is my husband ?

[Chickenwrap]

For the last few months my husband has been smoking weed, started just one joint about once a week (ready rolled by a friend) smoked in the garden.
I objected to the smell when he comes in the house - he stank of it, and he knows how I feel about drugs, any drugs . I'm not a prude, did drugs in my younger years.

Anyway we have a summerhouse in our garden which is set up for visitors. He has taken to smoking it in there and sleeping in there all night - its cooler and he sleeps better. But it's becoming more regular. He says it's because of the heat but he always makes sure he has a joint ready.
Aibu to object to my 52 year old dh behaving like some sort of teenager. He came into the house last night to get some snacks, stoned and laughing his head off.
Before this he hadn't smoked it for many years. We have been together 10yrs. I know he smoked it in his teens and 20s.
Don't really know what to make of it, although I do like having the bed to myself ! 🤔

Have you tried telling your husband that you're not happy? You can't stop him from doing drugs but make him aware you're upset.
Also smoking in the summer house isn't ok, tell him to stop acting like a man child. Has something happened to him recently that's making him act like this?

Is weed legal or illegal where you are OP? Just checking as we get many Americans on here.

When someone suddenly starts using weed frequently at the age of 52 there's got to be a reason for that. What's going on in his life to make him behave this way? Also the sleeping in the summer house is odd, is he smoking so much that he passes out or is he avoiding sleeping in the marital bed for some reason? You need to talk to him and find out what's really going on.

@Discovereads legal
I think the only thing that has lead to this is opportunity. In that he knows someone who will give him a little bit for free whenever he wants it.
He knows I'm upset about it we spoke when it first started. That was before the sleeping in the summerhouse started.
i was going to sit him down over the weekend but wanted to check that I wasn't being unreasonable. As he says 'it's only a little bit'. I don't want to tell him off like a naughty child.
It just feels off that we are watching TV together in the evening then just goes off to the garden for the night !

I wouldn't be happy with it either. I'm not against weed in moderation but this feels like he's a teenage boy who's moved in to the summerhouse to get away from his parents. Plus if he's doing it inside the house, it's going to stink.

Well you told him you don't want him in the house after a J. So he's doing what you wanted. And now you don't want him doing that either?

As it’s legal, I do not think you have a right to tell him to not use it at all. However, I think you can have a conversation about addiction and cutting back though as his behaviours have gone from 1 joint a week to what you say is regular, perhaps even daily smoking of more than 1 joint. I agree that’s too much both for health and finances.

As for sleeping arrangements, I’d think about that separately. Do you both get good sleep when in the same bed still? It’s very common in middle age due to snoring, menopause, restless legs, overheating etc for couples to prefer separate bedrooms to avoid sleep deprivation.

To be honest smoking, of any kind, would be a dealbreaker for me.

I don't agree with the notion that because its legal Op doesn't have a right to tell him not to do it. That's absurd to me. They are a married couple, If you're doing something and its affecting your marriage; its affecting the person whom you say you love; you don't get a pass because of its "legal". There are a lot of things that's legal but should it be done anyway?

Op I think you need to lay down your expectations as its not right what your DH is doing. It starts with one joint now and then other addictions starts...So its up to you how you want to deal with this now.

Nope. Tell him to move permanently into the summerhouse or find somewhere else to live for good. Dealbreaker for me.

Do you have kids?
Any drug taking is a dealbreaker for me. Think of the money - your joint money - that he'll be spending on it

Im back! Had to step away from this thread to think about the situation.

I came on here because I wasn't sure if I should just let him get on with his own thing and wasn't sure if it would be controlling to tell him to stop.

The last couple of weeks he's only been doing it once a week. He knows it pisses me off but I can cope with that, and actually enjoy the time to myself.

Friday night just gone he came home with a joint, hadn't had one all week. So off he went to the shed, stayed there all night.
This weekend has been very full on with overnight visitors and visiting family so we haven't really spent any time together.
He popped out at 7.30, came back and he said he was off to the shed, he had a joint and a bottle of wine. He's off work tomorrow.
I told him I wasn't happy with that. I had hardly seen him in days.
Reluctantly he said he would wait till 9 🙄
He literally sat on his phone for about a 1hr, then at 8.57 went out the back door and hasn't been back!
I've sent him a shitty text and locked the back door. It takes a lot to piss me off, but here I am fuming!
I really don't know how to deal with this.
I know people will think he's checked out of the relationship and I have considered this, but when he's here he's so affectionate, takes me out and does housework etc.
I don't know what's going on but will speak to him tomorrow. I was fine with once a week but now he's taking the piss !

(By shed I mean summerhouse) it's a large converted shed

YANBU, it's selfish to smoke in the garden if you have neighbours. I know someone whose neighbour smokes the vile stuff in the garden and their whole garden (and house, if windows are open) ends up stinking too. It's one thing wasting money and affecting your own health, but people who have no interest in the stuff shouldn't have to suffer it too. In this case, it's affecting you in more ways than one OP, so definitely YANBU.
I actually have an ex who smoked it and it was a big factor in me leaving him. I don't think people realise just how irritating it can make them act, he was just so slow and nonsensical if he'd had some, thought he was laidback but really just annoying and embarrassing if other people were around to see, to be honest.

It isn't legal, it's a class B drug that can see you fined, imprisoned, or both, simply for possessing it. There is a very, very tiny amount of illnesses for which it can be prescribed medically, but even that is still very rare.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it if it was once a week. I think life is hard enough and if it's legal where you are, it's important to find little bits of time in a busy lifestyle to do something you enjoy. Eg someone enjoying a bottle of wine on a Friday night, to me personally is no different to a joint one night a week.

I however wouldn't be happy with the sleeping outside.. but I'm very attached to my partner we have busy lives and children and I love the night as I can cuddle him and just feel close/bond during that time so I would be selfish about that.

Everyone deserves time for themselves and as you said you hadn't seen him much this weekend I would probably feel a bit gutted too, and it's hard as your against the smoking so can't go and join him to chat etc

I don't see any problem with someone starting this at 52. My mum was never a home drinker when I was growing up, once I was about 20 she started having a glass of wine on a weekend evening etc and thoroughly enjoys it to wind down from a busy week. She was mid 40s when this started and it hasn't affected her life or marriage to my father they both quite enjoy it together.

Try not to worry too much but always voice your concerns if you have any, don't bottle it up :)

Bloody stuff stinks and is everywhere these days.

Well I've had a very heartfelt apology from him this morning.
Says he knows he's been an idiot, he didn't mean to upset me and he won't be doing it any more. We will see!

Well I'm back . We've just had a massive row about the same issue which has continued since my last post.
It's been building up for a long time but this week has just tipped me over the edge!
We agreed on once a week, that went to two. This week he's smoked a joint 3 nights and then planned to smoke another last night as I was going out.
He's now calling me controlling. That he will do whatever makes him happy and that basically how I feel about it is irrelevant. I don't know where we go from here.

It's over isn't it?

Yes. He's getting worse, not better. You sound miserable. Do you have somewhere you could go for a few days for some space- or does he?

Yes I am miserable. This is affecting me so much and I can't even put into words why!
I just don't like being in the same room as him when he's stoned, it puts me on edge.
(When he did it in the summer he slept in the summerhouse so I didn't see him. Obviously it's too cold to do that now so he smokes it outside then comes in)
When I try to explain it to him he gets so obnoxious. My feelings just don't matter to him.
I wish I had somewhere to go but it's so close to Xmas and we have plans with family etc. I live in his house. It's all just wearing me down. I can maybe get away for a couple of days in the new year.

He is an addict so you can't win. Addicts lie.
Of course he isn't getting it for free either. Kick him out.

Sorry you have to deal with a 52 year old teenager.

God what an embarassment that man is. So sorry OP. You deserve better!!!

Hope you can get yourself together and leave safely.

@Valeriekat as far as I know he is getting it for free, he's getting it from one of his children, one ready rolled joint at a time. Which actually makes this worse as he's always objected to them smoking it!
It's the way he turns things around and says I'm controlling which annoys me the most.
He drank almost every night for years, it was affecting his health and our marriage and I was desperate for him to stop. He has more or less stopped now, but only because his health issues escalated, and has replaced it with weed. So apparently I'm 'always moaning about something'!
He has an addictive personality and has never done anything in moderation so I know this will only get worse.
He just doesn't see things the same way as I do. Even after our argument yesterday when I said I was close to leaving him, he's gone to get a joint tonight!

Sorry for going on but I cannot talk to anyone about this irl. He always makes me feel like I'm overreacting to 'just a bit of weed' .