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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Repairing Broken Relationship

48 replies

AnxiousWombat · 12/08/2022 12:52

Content Warning: mental health, suicidality, self-harm.

My DS (20, 3rd year of university) is gay and I needed to get some things off my chest and see if I could repair our broken bond.

When he was around 13, my DS was heavily bullied at school for being gay (he was outed at school) to the point of him regularly self-harming and being strongly suicidal, and this carried on regularly until he was around 16.

I found out that he was gay accidentally when he was around 14/15 (I found some things that really suggested that he was, and then I pressured him to tell me), and due to my culture and upbringing I was really against it. Shamefully, I even told him that he couldn't tell his younger sister nor his father because if the news spread in our community then his sister might not be able to get married later on. I know that I even said some things like that he would go to hell and that being gay is disgusting and that his life would be miserable and full of disease if he had sex with another man.

When he was 16, I guess the pressure got to him too much and he told a teacher at school about everything that was happening both at home and at school (right after exam season) because he was about to commit suicide. The school kind of dealt with the people who were bullying him, and me and DH got called in about this too because DS was at a high risk of committing suicide. This is when DH found out that DS was gay, and he was really angry about this, but also about the abuse that DS faced at school, and he told DS that he was too young to know and that he would find a girl soon.

It pains me to say this, but I didn't take this well at all. Instead of supporting DS, I got really angry and upset with him because social security became involved and came to my work and home for questioning. I also made DS downplay what was happening at home, which makes me feel horrible now.

Ever since then, DS moved schools and is now at university and is thriving. Because of everything in the past, I don't have a strong relationship at all with him (he hardly has a relationship with DH because he is very verbally abusive and is extremely narcissistic), and truth be told I still don't like him being gay and don't accept this (we never talk about his sexuality/dating life, and in front of family and friends I always say in front of him that he is interested in girls).

Now I want to try and repair our bond but I don't know how to and I am unsure how I can accept him as being gay and be openly supportive about this. I still can't view him as that and I know that he can get really stressed and has bad mental health because of this trauma that he has went through with us and school.

How can I help understand him and repair our relationship? AIBU in wanting to do so?

OP posts:
BraveFaceScaredInside · 12/08/2022 13:03

😡 Until you can accept your son for who he is you are better off leaving him to be his self around people who accept him for who he is!!!

drbuzzaro · 12/08/2022 14:14

he's better off without you

gwenneh · 12/08/2022 14:17

Now I want to try and repair our bond

Tough. It's not up to you now. That's up to your DS and as you've made your position abundantly clear, sounds like he's made his decision on that.

Sunnyqueen · 12/08/2022 14:18

Leave him the fuck alone to be happy without you.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2022 14:21

You can’t repair it until you can accept his sexuality.

If he posted here I’d advise him to stay well away from you.

He’s thriving and that’s in spite of your failing in all of your parental responsibilities.

RainyDays22 · 12/08/2022 14:22

He's better off without you. How can you not be supportive of your child? You don't choose to be gay for goodness sake.
You shouldn't of had kids if you can't love them unconditionally.

FavouriteMug · 12/08/2022 14:24

There's not a religion or culture in the world that would lead me to behave towards my own child as you have done.

At his absolute most vulnerable- the one person he should have been able to turn to was you, and yet all he got was further abuse, blame and rejection.

He will probably spend the rest of his life trying to come to terms with your rejection of him (which you admit continues even now).

Why are you trying to repair a relationship with someone who obviously disgusts you?

Leave him alone, let him live his life in peace without you and his dad as you are clearly both monstrous.

ImWell · 12/08/2022 14:24

For your son’s well-being, please, please stay away from him. You still have mental problems around his sexuality, he deserves to not have you continuing to judge him negatively for who he is.

Have you looked into any sort of counselling to get over your problems? Maybe if you start there you may be in a place one day to approach him and ask for forgiveness.

User8273738273737 · 12/08/2022 14:27

Until you can accept and love him for who he is, and prioritise his wellbeing, safety, happiness and integrity over some cultural, “what would the community think” mindset, leave him alone to thrive and find people who won’t hurt him.

Don’t keep picking at the wound you, your husband and bullies in school caused.

Go to therapy or whatever else will make you realise that you don’t have a right to decide who your child is, that other people’s opinions actually mean nothing, and if people in your community are out to harm your children, your duty is to protect your child, not pile on.

I’m so glad to hear that the school and social services followed up on this to support him.

TedMullins · 12/08/2022 14:27

You and your husband are abusive homophobes and when he comes to his senses and cuts you both out of his life forever it’ll be the best thing he ever did. Leave him alone.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 14:28

In the unlikely event this isn't a wind-up, it's for the best he doesn't attempt to have any realtionship with you. Stop contacting him.

Eunorition · 12/08/2022 14:28

Yeah, no, the deal is done. The best thing you can do for him is stay out of his life. You said what you said, you made him suicidal. The bridge is burned and you wanting to just hang around not really speaking about it won't help.

The time for all the regrets and sorrys were before you said those things. You can't take them back.

User8273738273737 · 12/08/2022 14:30

SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 14:28

In the unlikely event this isn't a wind-up, it's for the best he doesn't attempt to have any realtionship with you. Stop contacting him.

@SleeplessInEngland unfortunately a view held still by many many people so it is possible it is not at all a wind up

VainAbigail · 12/08/2022 14:32

You and your husband are homophobic and you need to leave this guy alone. You’re only trying to “repair a broken relationship” with him because you feel guilty, or actually, in reality, subconsciously want to try and make him hook up with a potential wife.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 14:33

User8273738273737 · 12/08/2022 14:30

@SleeplessInEngland unfortunately a view held still by many many people so it is possible it is not at all a wind up

Show quote history

We'll see. If the op actually engages then maybe, but 'truth be told I still don't like him being gay and don't accept this' is grade A goady-ness.

ImWell · 12/08/2022 14:34

I wonder which sort of culture the OP is from that thinks that this is any way to treat your children.

MessyBunPersonified · 12/08/2022 14:35

The op already posted this is the LGBT kids section, and didn't return after the answers there being along the same lines as here.

Shes looking for sympathy and validation, not any meaningful advice about her abusive behaviour.

SleeplessInEngland · 12/08/2022 14:38

The op already posted this is the LGBT kids section, and didn't return

Blow me down with a feather.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/08/2022 14:41

My Christian auntie is like you OP with my cousin. He's now in his 30's and thriving, got a lovely boyfriend and my auntie is miserable, saying it's still a phase and can't accept him for who he is.

One of them is happy and one of them isn't.

Accept your son for who he is.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/08/2022 15:38

You can't repair anything until you can accept him for being him which I'm not sure, from your post, you're able to do.
Until then, he's better off without you - and I hope he meets a lovely man to spend his life with and help him through his issues.

Neverendingmindfuck · 12/08/2022 15:46

Sometimes in life there are toxic people you should avoid at all costs.
Your son should avoid you, his father and the rest of the vipers who believe being homosexual is a disease or something someone will grow out of.
How dare you add to your sons miserable childhood.
You and your husband deserve each other.

Lindasllama · 12/08/2022 15:49

Until you can except that his sexuality is completely part of who he is. Like his colour and his sex - that these characteristics are fact and cannot be 'changed' - regardless of how people often wish them to be. They are facts.

You have a male, homosexual son. That is who he is. It cannot be changed. So either park your prejudices against someone who couldn't and shouldn't change or leave him to live a much happier life without the bigotry.

prepared101 · 12/08/2022 16:00

drbuzzaro · 12/08/2022 14:14

he's better off without you

This.

OP, if you're not willing to accept him for who is, wholly, please stay out of his life.

Whattodoaboutworknow · 12/08/2022 16:05

You seem to be blaming everyone else but you need to accept that YOU are a bully too and you are just as bad if not much worse than the ones at school as you are supposed to love your son unconditionally!!!!

You are no better than your husband. You need to change your ways dramatically or cut your son loose and let him be happy.

This sounds harsh but you have contributed to his mental health being in bits because you have treated him appallingly and abusively.

OffYouTrotBoris · 12/08/2022 16:19

Op, I'm a Christian so have religious beliefs. My daughter is Gay. I do NOT have an issue with it. I love her for who she is. As long as she is with a partner who loves and respects her that's all a parent can ask for.
My beliefs are my own, and I would never push them onto anyone else. I really feel for your son because at the time he needed you the most, you let him down in the worst way possible.
Politely, I do not think you should even try to repair this relationship until you can accept him for who he is.

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