Repairing Broken Relationship

[AnxiousWombat]

Content Warning: mental health, suicidality, self-harm.

My DS (20, 3rd year of university) is gay and I needed to get some things off my chest and see if I could repair our broken bond.

When he was around 13, my DS was heavily bullied at school for being gay (he was outed at school) to the point of him regularly self-harming and being strongly suicidal, and this carried on regularly until he was around 16.

I found out that he was gay accidentally when he was around 14/15 (I found some things that really suggested that he was, and then I pressured him to tell me), and due to my culture and upbringing I was really against it. Shamefully, I even told him that he couldn't tell his younger sister nor his father because if the news spread in our community then his sister might not be able to get married later on. I know that I even said some things like that he would go to hell and that being gay is disgusting and that his life would be miserable and full of disease if he had sex with another man.

When he was 16, I guess the pressure got to him too much and he told a teacher at school about everything that was happening both at home and at school (right after exam season) because he was about to commit suicide. The school kind of dealt with the people who were bullying him, and me and DH got called in about this too because DS was at a high risk of committing suicide. This is when DH found out that DS was gay, and he was really angry about this, but also about the abuse that DS faced at school, and he told DS that he was too young to know and that he would find a girl soon.

It pains me to say this, but I didn't take this well at all. Instead of supporting DS, I got really angry and upset with him because social security became involved and came to my work and home for questioning. I also made DS downplay what was happening at home, which makes me feel horrible now.

Ever since then, DS moved schools and is now at university and is thriving. Because of everything in the past, I don't have a strong relationship at all with him (he hardly has a relationship with DH because he is very verbally abusive and is extremely narcissistic), and truth be told I still don't like him being gay and don't accept this (we never talk about his sexuality/dating life, and in front of family and friends I always say in front of him that he is interested in girls).

Now I want to try and repair our bond but I don't know how to and I am unsure how I can accept him as being gay and be openly supportive about this. I still can't view him as that and I know that he can get really stressed and has bad mental health because of this trauma that he has went through with us and school.

How can I help understand him and repair our relationship? AIBU in wanting to do so?

You can either improve your relationship with your son, or continue with your religious-right attitudes. But not both. You can't expect someone to pursue a close relationship with someone, even his mother, who considers his very existence, as the person he is, to be a sin.

I do realize that it is difficult to break away from strongly-held religious views, but I hope you can for the sake of your son and your relationship with him

You may find the Pflag UK resources for families of gay people useful.

www.pflag.co.uk/

You told him he would go to hell and be full of diseases! What on earth is wrong with you? Why would you subject your son to such hatred?

Surely your community or religion or whatever is at the root of your abhorrent thinking, is far less important to you than your son's happiness and welfare?

If it's not, then you don't deserve him and he is better off without you.

Just out of curiosity and no one who is homophobic has every managed to explain this to me without some reference to religion or disease, which are both not rationale answers, what is so wrong about being gay? You act like he has a choice in this, he doesn't, it's who he is.

The OP is long-gone, but I wonder which other “undesirable” traits she hates people for. Being non-white for example, or left-handed, or a bit taller than average.

Tell him you are sorry, that you were wrong, that nothing could make up for not supporting him for so many years but gat you are prepared to do anything it takes to repair this relationship. That if he chooses not to see you you will accept it but you will always love him. Etc. Glad he is doing well now

You talk about wanting to repair your relationship, and being ashamed and pained for your past behavior. But what have you actually done to address this? Have you even apologised?

I’m not gay but I’d be heartbroken if my parents didn’t accept me if I was

You should love your child no matter their appearance, sexuality etc

Your son is probably better off without you in his life. He can surround himself with people that support him and love him for who he is

I’m sorry but we are in 21st century now and being gay shouldn’t be taboo anymore and should be accepted as normal

I couldn’t forgive with myself if I knew I contributed to my sons mental health and still years later couldn’t accept him

You can't until you accept his sexuality. No one needs unsupportive parents so don't bother interfering with his peace.

just in case this is real...

You need to go and work on yourself OP. You have no chance of making up with him until you change your mindset about homosexuality. If your h doesn't do the same then you need to divorce him for being homophobic.

Even if you educate yourself, there's no
guarantee that your son will forgive you but you are the problem here. Your disgusting attitudes and ideas have created this situation.

I hope that your son can enjoy a lifetime of happiness despite his parents and upbringing.

Tell your son there are local charities who will support him, and he can find a new family because you are disgusting, and hes better off without you.

This surely can't be real. If it truly is then, you reap what you bloody well sow. The part of your OP where you described how angry you were because Social Services got involved honestly made me wince.

Hi everyone, OP here.

Firstly, I wanted to please say sorry to everyone. I am actually the son in this scenario and I wrote this from my mother's perspective (this is all true and has all happened to me for anyone who was doubtful). In truth, I wrote the post in this way because I was afraid...I haven't shared this story with anyone apart from my counsellor and close friends and I was terrified for some reason for sharing it online. The trauma I have faced still haunts me to this day and I haven't healed from it yet at all - it is just so overwhelming and it feels like it will never go away. I also wrote it like this because deep down I wanted to see if there was any hope that I could have a proper relationship with my mother like you see on TV...but it seems like the chance for that is long gone.

I'm 20 now and I haven't ever been in a relationship, and everything from my past only makes me think that I won't ever find love because of what has happened to me. I am constantly scared that if I ever get into a relationship I will always have to step around it and never talk about it with my family. I've always dreamt since I was younger that I would be able to come home with a lovely guy and introduce him to my family but...I guess some things will always just be dreams.

From everyone's comments, it really seems like I should leave my family, doesn't it? Yet some part of me wants me to stay (perhaps it is just the years of abuse controlling me...) but there is a part of me that wishes that things could have turned out differently. There is a constant fear that if I leave everything (which I can't really do because I am just a university student with no money...) that means I will have to leave my younger sister too, the girl who I care for so deeply and have tried my best to be as much of a parental figure to because ours are so bad. It also upsets me that I might have to cut off contact with my family, it means all of those dreams and hopes of them being in my life when I get married and have children hopefully, will all be gone. But perhaps that is the best really...

But I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented. You have all made me realise that my situation has actually been a terrible one. It has been so many years since this all started, and I guess I have become desensitized to it all now, though it still hurts - its like a constant numbness and pain which I have now grown used to.

And to the comments which said that you hope I can have a good life moving forward and hope that I find a good partner, thank you, thank you so much. I cried reading them because I genuinely thought my life would never change, that I would be trapped like this and wouldn't ever have a good life. But thank you for giving me hope, thank you for wishing me well and I really really want things to get better, I just don't know how to change things.

I wish that things could get better with my family, so I guess my question now is, AIBU for holding onto the hope that things will get better?

I'm sorry for your experience it I bloody hate reverses.

Just block any contact and carry on living your life. Our friends are the family we choose.

*but I bloody hate reverses and iPhone keyboards

Your right to leave well alone .. understandably you wanted to protect yourself and seek advice and you can see that all above for you. I hope you can get some support around you. You've come a long way already and that must have taken a lot of strength .. keep going xxx

You're *

Of course you're not unreasonable to hold out hope, but the ball is in their court now. Thaley might come around or they might not but don't let them hold you back.

You're not unreasonable to hold out some hope - it's your family. But, unless they're able to accept you for you AND you're able to forgive them, I'm not sure it's ever going to be a close relationship.

Concentrate on yourself and your own happiness and anything else that comes along is a bonus. Surround yourself with people that are happy to accept you for who you are and build your own family.x

And you're not "just a university student with no money". You're at the start of your adult life trying to give yourself the best chance to go on to earn a good living to support yourself.

I really do hate “reverses” like this, but all I can say here is that I am so, so sorry that you have been put through this by the people who should have been there for you, looking after you at all times.

I have no advice, but hope you find love, and get to form your own family with someone who loves you.

While I think you’ve been treated terribly by your family and it would be totally justified for you to walk away and never look back if that’s what you want, I don’t think the responses here acknowledge how strong an influence religion and culture can have. Most people who grow up in a religion/ culture with certain beliefs end up holding those beliefs themselves often unthinkingly. I think otherwise good people can hold abhorrent views for religious/ cultural reasons. Same sex marriage has only been legal in the UK since 2014. I’m in my early 30s and I remember a question on gcse religious studies about whether gay people should be allowed to have children - you were meant to look at the religious arguments for and against. As demonstrated on this thread attitudes have thankfully moved on a lot but just a few decades ago your parents’ views might have been quite normal and I’d assume they’re still normal within their community.

So your parents may well never change their opinion on homosexuality and it may be in your interest to cut off or minimise contact with them considering what they put you through but your mum also might not be an inherently terrible person. If she was willing to apologise and accept you there might be hope for your relationship.

I think also that mumsnet can be quite flippant about suggesting going no contact with family. I can see why it’s being suggested here and it may even be for the best but it is usually a traumatic thing to do. Even people who leave cults often feel conflicted about leaving family behind and sometimes go back because they miss them. If you did go down that route you should probably get some counselling to help you come to terms with it.

You have put a religion that breeds hate before your flesh and blood. I am so very surprised he gives you the time of day whatsoever. Suicide, mental health problems, irreparable damage, rejection of TWO parents because of something - and read this twice OP - he never chose. Being gay is not a choice. You have so so so much to answer for. I hope your God is worth it.

I'm sorry - I saw your update OP. I'm so sorry. I was just so angry for you.

Your poor son. The one person who should have had his back through thick and thin and you treated him that way! And your still not accepting him for who he is now!!!