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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7am - window and curtains open

34 replies

Selfishpartner · 12/08/2022 07:50

Picture the scene...it's 7am, albeit on a weekday but he's not working today and I work from home and can start anytime I like.

He tossed and turned all night - he does this thing where he will lie on his back and bend his legs, then they gradually drop, he feels it and brings then back up again.
Hard to explain but it's all while he's sleeping and goes on for ages, like a little exercise session. Wakes me up and the only way to stop it for a while is to push his legs gently down again which stirs him slightly.

So basically - I've had a shit nights sleep and am grumpy. He gets up to pee, comes back in and opens the window wide, leaves the curtains open and gets back into bed.

Between the traffic and the birds I can't get back to sleep so I get up, he's gone back to sleep.

Selfish/inconsiderate/dickish of him to do or am I over reacting because I'm exhausted?

This is just the latest in a long line of similar things he's been doing over the past 6 months and I'm finding it more and more difficult to ignore. Talking to him doesn't help.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 12/08/2022 07:51

And when you've had a conversation about it......?

itsgettingweird · 12/08/2022 07:52

Sorry realised that sounds harsh Blush

I meant what does he say when you talk to him?

Lemonblossom · 12/08/2022 07:55

This is obviously about something else. You should have your windows open now whilst the air is cooler and fresher to replace the stuffy air before you close all the windows and curtains for the day.

HikingforScenery · 12/08/2022 07:55

Why not sleep elsewhere?!
Our windows were open last night and then again, at 7 because I shut them in the middle of the night. DH opened them because he was too hot.

Im guessing he’s not doing the legs up and down thing on purpose because he’s asleep?

LionessesRules · 12/08/2022 08:01

It's definitely worth having the windows open right now, while it's cool - and if you are both hot, probably a good idea.

I'm not sure what he can do about the movement in his sleep.

Going to the loo at 7am isn't unreasonable.

So the only unreasonable bit it leaving the curtains open when you wat to sleep.

If you want to sleep for longer, is there another bed somewhere that you can go to or a few hours? Or would he get up, and leave you to sleep with closed curtains?

I suspect you are hot (because the windows were closed), tired because its been hot and you've had a disturbed night, and grumpy. Have a chat later and see if there is a compromise.

CurlsLDN · 12/08/2022 08:03

Sounds like the legs thing is an unconscious sleep thing and the window thing is a fair action to get a morning breeze in to cool the room SO THAT he (and you!) Could get a bit more snoozing in.
Unfortunately it's done the opposite for you, but in this weather his action isn't unreasonable.
You sound very tired, take care of yourself today, try to stay cool and let your body rest and see if there's any steps you could take toward getting a better sleep tonight, such as sleeping In a different room, using a fan etc

Cosycover · 12/08/2022 08:03

Why are you living in such misery? Sleep is so important and yet we put ourselves through this shit just to sleep next to someone else?

I got my own bed about 8 years ago. If I didn't I'd be divorced or dead from exhaustion.

Get your own bed.

Original poster
Selfishpartner · 12/08/2022 08:05

As I said, it's one example of inconsiderate behaviour.

All small things like this that seem too tiny to react to on their own (and if I talk to him he will invariably end up saying something like "why are you even arguing with me over such a small thing?"

I've lost the ability over the past year or so to talk about things with him. I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my tether with it all, but it's all such small stuff :(

When I talk to him I get blank looks and silence, mostly. With a look of disbelief depending on how insignificant the thing I'm talking about is.
I can spend an hour saying variations of the same thing to him to try and get a reaction or him to say something to me, but all I get is "I don't know what to say". Like nothing goes through his brain - whether I'm saying I think he's being a bit selfish or saying I want to split up. Never knows what to say...

OP posts:
Original poster
Selfishpartner · 12/08/2022 08:06

CurlsLDN · 12/08/2022 08:03

Sounds like the legs thing is an unconscious sleep thing and the window thing is a fair action to get a morning breeze in to cool the room SO THAT he (and you!) Could get a bit more snoozing in.
Unfortunately it's done the opposite for you, but in this weather his action isn't unreasonable.
You sound very tired, take care of yourself today, try to stay cool and let your body rest and see if there's any steps you could take toward getting a better sleep tonight, such as sleeping In a different room, using a fan etc

Yes but he didn't have to open the curtains as wide as they go too 😂

OP posts:
LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 08:07

my husband does the leg thing. I just elbow him and tell him to roll onto his side.

jsvacation · 12/08/2022 08:09

Do you have a spare room?

Original poster
Selfishpartner · 12/08/2022 08:09

LionessesRules · 12/08/2022 08:01

It's definitely worth having the windows open right now, while it's cool - and if you are both hot, probably a good idea.

I'm not sure what he can do about the movement in his sleep.

Going to the loo at 7am isn't unreasonable.

So the only unreasonable bit it leaving the curtains open when you wat to sleep.

If you want to sleep for longer, is there another bed somewhere that you can go to or a few hours? Or would he get up, and leave you to sleep with closed curtains?

I suspect you are hot (because the windows were closed), tired because its been hot and you've had a disturbed night, and grumpy. Have a chat later and see if there is a compromise.

He wouldn't get up. I wouldn't even know how to word that but I know if I did, I'd get a blank look or he'd say something about not wanting to get up just yet.

I've been up for an hour now and he hasn't raised himself yet....if it were me that opened the windows and my partner got up straight after (I sighed an appropriate amount to let him know it wasn't happy 🙃), I'd sense that I'd forced him up, feel bad and get up myself and apologise.

It wouldn't even occur to him to do the same.

OP posts:
bitemyarsenic · 12/08/2022 08:11

My DH does the leg exercise thing at night.
Sometimes leg drops, sometimes zig zags like his legs are scissors 😅
He also is completely unaware
He has ADHD
We have separate rooms

Original poster
Selfishpartner · 12/08/2022 08:11

LidFlipper · 12/08/2022 08:07

my husband does the leg thing. I just elbow him and tell him to roll onto his side.

Oh does he? At least u know its not just mine!

Trouble is he's doing it so often that I see most hours through the night and I'm knackered most mornings.

I know he's not aware of it, but it's not easy to live with.

To whoever asked - no spare room unfortunately.

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 12/08/2022 08:11

Sounds like you’ve got to the stage where every little thing annoys you tbh.

Original poster
Selfishpartner · 12/08/2022 08:13

bitemyarsenic · 12/08/2022 08:11

My DH does the leg exercise thing at night.
Sometimes leg drops, sometimes zig zags like his legs are scissors 😅
He also is completely unaware
He has ADHD
We have separate rooms

Scissor legs! That's exactly what I was trying to describe!

And then sometimes he tells me his hips hurt in the morning and I explain why that might be 😆

It's just he's generally quite unaware of my needs, wants, upset, all of that stuff.

My son does have adhd and I do recognise a lot of his behaviours in my partner, however he refuses to go and get diagnosed.

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 12/08/2022 08:14

Get a really good eye mask - one with dents in for your eyes so it doesn’t press down on them. Then get some foam ear plugs from Boots. Honestly life enhancing

SheWoreYellow · 12/08/2022 08:18

In our house if we thought it was too hot for sleep, either one of us would dive behind the closed curtain to open the window.
Different people are more sensitive to light and noise when asleep, but DH and I know what each other’s sensitivities are and act accordingly. The great rule is ‘don’t wake people up’!

Brefugee · 12/08/2022 08:20

I've lost the ability over the past year or so to talk about things with him. I honestly feel like I'm at the end of my tether with it all, but it's all such small stuff :(

We're back into the "she divorced me because i left a cup by the sink" territory here, aren't we. So when he says "why argue over one small thing" point out that 20 small things are in a lot of ways worse than one big thing that you can argue about and clear the air.

I echo pp with the "can you sleep elsewhere?" comments, because that's what I'd probably do. But if you are feeling a general malaise over your relationship you do need to talk. About what the natural consequences will be if it carries on like this.

I sighed an appropriate amount to let him know it wasn't happy

I ignore sighs like this. If something is wrong use words.

Lemonblossom · 12/08/2022 08:23

Sorry op but you sound like hard work to me. Lots of little things can be annoying but thus really does sound like you’re fed up with him in general snd don’t like him much. When you love someone you put up with the little niggley stuff (or in my case because I’m a solutions person I find a solution eg sleep on the sofa whilst it’s hot)

queenMab99 · 12/08/2022 08:28

The leg thing, might be helped with some kind of knee support cushion which would stop the legs dropping. I got one from Aldi, before I had a knee replacement, my knee was painful when straight so I needed to keep it flexed.

AlwaysLatte · 12/08/2022 08:30

No that's unfair of him. My husband asks if I mind even if I'm awake! We're sleeping with the windows open all night at the moment but the blackout curtains closed.

CoolClearGreen · 12/08/2022 08:32

Husband has a bent arm thing, hand/ thumb goes on his face and slowly his arm lowers, often elbows me in the nose, or face, waking me up, and it all starts again. Have to push him awake to get him to stop.
And snoring for, years, no sleep, or very little broken sleep, it’s torture.
Should have left while I could

WouldBeGood · 12/08/2022 08:36

It sounds like you’re just fed up of him to be honest, to the point where everything about him annoys you. Hard to come back from.

resuwen · 12/08/2022 08:44

This is called 'Periodic Limb Movement Disorder'.