To ask if you TTC earlier than planned due to possible infertility - and how it worked out for you?

[Kanga171]

We've been told if we want to have a child we need to get on with it as soon as possible, as my fertility is dwindling prematurely. This will mean ditching or delaying plans we had, which I can't help but be a bit miffed about. But if this is potentially our last chance to have our own child, I don't want to wait and find I regret it later.

Just wondering if there is anyone else out there that had to TTC earlier than planned? Did you get your head round it? Are you glad you went for it?

Thank you

My situation is a bit different. Took us 18 months to conceive DD and knew that we would always love 2 kids if possible so we started ttc No2 earlier than we probably would have as we just assumed it would take a while again. First month of trying I got pregnant basically. I don’t regret it at all and I’m just so happy that I’ll have my complete family.

what plans would you need to put off? Can you keep going with them whilst ttc? I think it’s best to look at it as what would you regret more having a baby now and missing out on some plans or doing all your plans but not getting a baby in the future?

@SGChome20 It would be not having the baby that would matter more, especially in the longer run. But the plans involve a relocation/lifestyle change that is more in line with how we want to raise children. We can try and do the two together, but for various reasons it may not be possible. We need support networks already, and this particular move would mean being a few hours from everyone we know. We can try and do a compromise with where we move to and what we do there, but it's not 'the dream'.

I know that if we don't do the move eventually I will regret it. It doesn't necessarily need to be now, but we've been wanting it for so long. We feel ready to go.

I think not having a child will mess me up more further down the line though. Just need a bit of reassurance it will all come right.

I had a couple of medical procedures in my early twenties which meant it wasn't clear if I'd be able to have kids. Was v up front with my husband about it and we started trying years earlier than we would have done otherwise as we both wanted kids and wanted to give it the best possible chance. I got pregnant in three months which was a bit of a surprise but a really good one. Super happy we went for it.

I had secondary infertility. I had to follow a strict lifestyle plan and was told if I waited It would possibly never happen. So I had two more children close together. There are times when I regret what I didn't do, but I wouldn't swap my children for those things. My second is my only child who wanted children, so it's given me grandchildren, who have definitely enriched my life. I didn't much use birth control and only got pregnant once which ended in miscarriage, so it was my only chance, as advised.

We decided to try, even though our circumstances would have been better in a few years, because of potential fertility problems linked to my health condition. I got pregnant, DC is now at school. I'm glad we made that choice those years ago. We gave up some opportunities and sometimes things are tough but it has been worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Yes. I had an ectopic when I was in my late teens with a previous partner and was told I might need IVF. When I got with DH (who knew me at the time of the ectopic) we both knew we needed to crack on.

I had a horrendous time with infertility, then failed IVFs and miscarriages but we had a gameplan of going away for adventurous budget holidays in between the IVFs to get us through, so as well as remembering that period in my life for the losses I also remember having the sort of holidays I couldn't with kids.

I'm 40 now and have two kids with an odd age gap (had failed IVf and miscarriage in between). I'd have loved to have travelled more and settled down a bit later but I think on balance I'd always have tried for kids early.

In terms of support it'd have been easier if I'd been able to have them younger as their cousins would be closer in ages, but there's nothing more I could have done about that. But equally, you don't know what's going to happen to people in your support network a few years down the road either.

I think if you feel ready you need to go for it, if it happens quickly then it's happened, if not, you've given yourself some time to figure out what to do next.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It's helping me keep things in perspective.

If you did the relocation before babies though if that was your original plan would you not still be moving away from your support network? I’m not sure I understand that part.

I always post on these threads so forgive me anyone who has read this before:

we got married earlier than we would have and TTC earlier too due to me having severe endometriosis. Late 20s. Consultant had told me I would be very unlikely to conceive naturally and that IVF was unlikely to work. 11 months later we were married. 12 months later I was pregnant! Bit of a shock for DH who thought we had years of trying. Now have 3 children - each have been conceived the first time we tried.

it makes me feel sick imagining having waited and not having the babies we have! I think everything worked out for the best and I think, like the consultant said to me “you can always tell yourself to wait until you’ve got a bigger house/car/whatever but actually what you can’t get more of is time” - he advocated trying ASAP. All I ever wanted was to be a mother and I was happy to delay anything/everything for that. It depends how badly you want it - you’re not necessarily giving things up anywya,
you’re just delaying them. DH and I will do all the child free adventures and holidays in our 50s when they are at uni!

sorry my point of this rambling post is 1) sometimes things aren’t as bleak as they appear and 2) I think it’s good to get on with things re baby making - good luck!

@SGChome20 - we would still be moving away from our support network, but it would be fewer reasons why it's not a good idea. A close member of my family would be coming with us who has significant health issues. We have had to rely on the people around us a lot for help over the last few months. I'm not sure if moving a few hours away to a rural area with an unwell relative and potentially new baby or TTC journey is a great idea right now. We don't really know anyone there.

These factors have both only cropped up in the last few weeks, so it's been a lot to come to terms with.

I wish I had with my second.
It took 6 years to conceive our first. She was (and still is) and handful, so I couldn't even think about having another one until she was around 2. We started TTC in September 2019 and I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant at 35 years old and way past the age I wanted to be finishing my family. That's infertility life for you though, I put so much on hold during my twenties "incase" I got pregnant that month. I never did.

@Kanga171 ah, I can see why you are in a bit of turmoil then. Keep in mind that if you had a baby now there is nothing to stop you relocating in a few years time before any baby would start school and get properly ‘settled’ if you moved when your child was 3 that likely gives you a minimum of 4 years to plan and execute the move. That way might work better for you?

if it’s any consolation we don’t have any family help either and have caring responsibilities. Whilst yes it is tough sometimes I honestly wouldn’t change it. We saved quite well to allow us to have a little buffer for holidays etc as we knew we were going to have to pay out a lot for nursery etc as well.

Thanks @SGChome20 - I think waiting may end up being the best option for now. I'm sure I'll get my head round it, just need to step back and look at the bigger picture. I think you manage because you have to, don't you? We'll have to work out whether the support or the move is more important to us now, and we're lucky to be in the position to decide. It's an adjustment going from putting yourself first.

Thank you to everyone else who has replied too, finding this thread enormously helpful.

Even taking the baby out of the equation, is moving to a rural area with an unwell relative the best move in itself? I've got elderly relatives who live an hour away from the nearest general hospital and for a while there was constant stress with them getting backwards and forwards.

if you do get pregnant right away and still want to move, you've got a few years before any child starts nursery, and that's a good way to meet other mums.

@RanchoPancho - thank you, I hadn't even thought about the moving before nursery option, that's a very good point.

It's all a bit of a worry now, but we've been planning this for years so it's hard to get over. The hospital issue is a concern, we've had to have several ambulances out, and being very near the hospital has made a difference.

I was told to crack on because of my age but decided to delay TTC for 1 year due to relocation plans. We then went through 5 years of tests, scans, taking tablets, IVF and miscarriages.

I look back and wish we'd started trying sooner but who's to say it would have worked out differently?

I was 28 when DH and I started trying because I knew my underactive thyroid could possibly cause infertility. A year later still not pregnant we underwent investigations and I was diagnosed with PCOS as well. One year after that with a significant amount of help and medical intervention, I fell pregnant. Ideally I wouldn't have started trying until a little later, but equally if I had waited and it still took 2 years that would have much worse for us.

I was advised at age 24 not to leave it too long because of PCOS. DP and I stopped using contraception almost immediately. We began TTC more actively about a year later. Went to doctors for referral after about 3 years. We then found out that DH had male factor infertility (subsequently found out this was a genetic issue) that meant him fathering a child without intervention was close to impossible. I was 27 at that point. We were then referred for IVF, which we were able to fund privately. We were very lucky and I fell pregnant with our first cycle, and we had a second successful cycle less than a year later.

If we hadn't made that decision to TTC so early we would definitely have ended up in the same place (needing IVF), but possibly years later. I feel like we were very lucky we were 'tipped off' to make that decision. But I'm not sure how much that helps with your situation. I hope you come to a decision you can be happy with, good luck with whatever it is.

Yes. We started trying for a second after a year, which was a lot sooner than I wanted or honestly felt ready for. I ummmed and ahhhed a lot but decided I’d have more regrets about not trying than trying.

Fast forward a year and I’m still not pregnant. We’ve had one early miscarriage and are now looking at IVF. I’m getting worried it will never happen for us now. Although if it does, I feel a lot more ready and the greater age gap will be a much appreciated silver lining.

Would I feel worse if we hadn’t started trying a year ago? Yes, probably. At least this way I have the peace of mind that we tried. Although I do now have regrets that we didn’t get more aggressive about it sooner. We were very laid back in the early months.

Just to add, I really feel for you. It’s a difficult decision. Those first couple of months, I was going through the motions but actually quite hoping it didn’t happen that quickly if I’m honest.

I wanted to not leave it too long as I had a close family member never have children due to fertility issues and I was worried it could happen to us.

We started when I was 27 and didn't have our first child until I was 31. In that 4 years, we got pregnant naturally quickly, lost the baby, couldn't get pregnant again, had a million tests and eventually found out DH had low sperm count and the ones he did have were barely moving!
We had to go through icsi and were extremely lucky that it happened first time for us. But it took 4 years just for our first.
We then would have liked a bigger age gap but doctors told us to get a move on with the second as DH's numbers were lower than before. We (again luckily) fell pregnant naturally just as we had everything set up for another icsi. So I'll give birth to our second when I'm 33. All in all, 7 years to have 2 children.

I must admit, I'm really really glad we didn't start when I was 38. I couldn't imagine my life without my DS and am excited about the little one we have on the way.

Actually I'll be 34 when the next baby is born (just!) So 7 and a half years for our two children.

Thanks @LollipopLady123 - conflicting feelings are one of the things I'm struggling with at the moment. I feel guilty for not being 100% all in and excited. I've been unwell with gynae issues for five years so it's become very complicated and sad in my head now.

I really hope it all works out for you.

If it's an egg quality issue just freeze them and revisit when ready

Yes this could be worth serious consideration.

Now that we’re looking at probably having to do IVF anyway, I’ve sometimes thought we should have just done that a year ago and frozen embryos for when we were ready. That’s obviously not a cheap option though and you may find you need multiple cycles to bank enough for a realistic chance of a baby.