To think he needs to make sure he's available?

[PeapodBurgundy]

I currently work until 8.30pm one day per week. No scope to change that, although I could potentially end that commitment in December, but certainly not before then, and if I did, it would have an impact on both my contract (I would be down on hours which cannot easily be made up elsewhere due to the nature of the job), and on the business, as the service I provide at that time would then cease to be on offer.

I'm separated from my DC's dad. Since the split, on that day, he has collected them from the childminder, brought them home, then stayed here and left for work the following morning (his choice, he could get the train back to his if he wanted, but here is more convenient for his current job).

He's currently job hunting, and casually mentioned yesterday that he can no longer guarantee to look after the DC on a Wednesday any more.

AIBU to think that as my work commitment is pre-existing that he needs to find a job which fits around his current commitments? Surely it's not fair that he does whatever suits him with no thought as to whether the DC will be provided for?

A major reason for the separation was his persistent assumption that he could do as he pleased and I would automatically pick up everything else. That wasn't so bad when I was a SAHP, but when I went back to work, it became intolerable. I'm not sure whether the residual frustration from our relationship is clouding my judgement, or if I'm justified in telling him that he needs to be available to care for the DC on that evening.

If that's his usual time with the DC, then surely he needs to sort out childcare for that time?

It sounds as if you two need to agree your child's time with each of you. He should be having your child at his home, not yours. You are each responsible for any childcare arrangements that are required on 'your' days.

That's what I feel. The childminder would keep them as late as 6.30pm, but then she closes, I don't have family or friends who would be able to commit to childcare at that time of day (my DC are young and go to bed at 7pm). I genuinely don't think I could find childcare, and it feels like this shouldn't be my issue to solve.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do besides get it written into a legally binding court order, but until then....he can screw you!

@DisplayPurposesOnly he doesn't have his own place, he's staying with his Mam at the moment, who lives three towns away; he doesn't drive, so going there on a school day isn't possible.

I don’t think that it should come down to who was doing it first. Are you supposed to be co-parenting, or is he the non-resident parent and helping out informally?

If he’s NRP or even if you share but Wednesday’s your day then I don’t think it reasonable that he should have to limit his job search to one that lets him help you on that day.

He’s not said he won’t, of course, but is letting you know that it’s conceivable that the new job might make it hard.

Even then a court order doesn’t force him to have the child it only forces the op to make the child available on that day. Whilst I get why people say “if it’s his day he should sort child care” well he’s not going to is he? Unfortunately you can’t make someone have the child he just won’t turn up not even a court can force that.

@ImWell he's not helping me out. They're his children!

I think it's something you need to both sit down and sort a solution for. Start the conversation with 'it's not an option for me to change my current whorling pattern'. There are more childcare options than that one childminder and it seems to be one day that's the issue. There's a solution somewhere. You're co-parenting so you both need to solve it.

If he doesn't drive and lives some distance away then what would you do if he called and said no public transport. He may simply not be able to get there.

But they're yours too so you need to work together.

Tell him that if he gets an offer that means he can't do Wednesdays the two of you will try and find a solution together, that's in your childrens best interests

That’s not answering the question. What’s the formal arrangement as to who they live with? If they live with you, then child care is your responsibility. If it’s shared then it’s his responsibility on his days, and vice- versa.

He either needs to sort childcare, or he needs to pay you whatever money you'd be losing by not being able to work those hours.

How do you work that out? Why should he have to pay if she’s the resident parent?

Would go on the assumption that he is still the arse you split from and he's not going to change.

My neighbour is a mother's help and covers exactly this sort of thing 3 nights a week for desperate mums,

one of her clients got a job in the evenings to cut down on childcare when she was married, split up and ex refused to cover as "she chose those hours".

So would advertise for a mother's help. Parish magazine/notices at local church can be a good place to start.

@BigFatLiar he rides his bike mostly, just hops on the train with it part of the when the weather is bad.

@ImWell They live with me. He takes them to his Mam's one weekend a month. He sometimes visits them here on the other weekends if he hasn't got plans.

With regard to other childminders, there's only one who picks up from their school, and she closes at 6.30pm. We'd have to find somebody who could pick them up from the childminder, give them dinner and put them to bed. Not an easy thing to do. If he pulls out of the Wednesday, I'll likely have to leave my job.

@10HailMarys it's not a case of that. I'm contracted for a set number of hours which I need to have worked over the year. I can't drop the evening until December. If I have to leave the job, it will leave work in a right mess as there nobody else able to cover it.

If you are the resident parent then it’s your job to take responsibility for child care. You can’t really have it both ways, you have custody, but want him to be responsible when it suits.

He could still do so with a court order. The times set down are more in the nature of the times OP needs to make DC available.. Court can't and won't try this force him to have the children.

It's unfair OP, he committed to that time and yes he should keep that commitment unless you both decide together to change things, but honestly it doesn't sound like he will take your work needs into account and no one, including the court, can force him to have his children at any time. Given he treated you as the default parent while you were together it would be very unrealistic to expect him to treat you better as your Ex then when you were together.

@ImWell I have custody because there isn't another choice at present. He's currently staying in his Mam's box room, when they stay there once a month, she sleeps in his room, and he shares her bed with the DC. One weekend a month that's manageable, but between the sleeping arrangements and the travel situation, it's not feasible for them to spend any more time staying with him. Full time custody was not my choice, and if there was an option to split the time more evenly, that would be the situation.

Please don't assume I'm hoarding the DC away from him, and then summoning him to take over responsibility for them as it suits me. I discussed taking on the evening work with him before I committed to it, he agreed, and I took in on given that the DC were suitably provided for.

There's nothing to suggest OP is having it her way with the current arrangement, we have no idea if she'd rather do shared care or at least more regularly every other weekend and one day a week. Her DC Dad is doing very little parenting at all currently and is saying if it suits him he'll do even less. He's still their parent, it shouldn't just be their Mum who has to suck it up and pick up any parenting slack.

@PeapodBurgundy Would you possibly be able to change the night you work if he ends up not being able to do Wednesday but has a different night free? I'm not sure if by no scope to change you meant must work those hours one night or must work those hours Wednesday night.

You mentioned above that it’s your total hours that matter, do you have the option of working a half a day at the weekend rather than on a Wednesday evening, when he is hopefully able to help out?

If you're going to separate then separate.

If you're relying on him for childcare & he's staying overnight at your house & you have no formal agreement in place then you aren't actually separated in any meaningful sense.

This sounds completely unsustainable & if one of you gets a new BF/GF then this agreement is unlikely to continue anyway. Most people don't like the thought of their partner having sleepovers at their ex's house.

You can't have it both ways, you want to say you're separated so you feel single but you want him to work around your job & be your childcare.

Get an order in place & move on with your life!

You will likely feel better once you have gained true independence & stop relying on him to facilitate your work commitments.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons it has to be a Wednesday unfortunately. Any other part of my job I could flex by swapping bits around with other staff or handing some of it over to one of the zero hours staff. With this being an evening, it can't change. There are no permanent staff available (all of the ones who can do evenings are already working, and it's not possible to do both theirs and mins), I can't had the evening over to a zero hour member of staff, as it would mean them having responsibility for the whole thing, which isn't allowed in their contracts, they're meant to be support and relief staff.

@GeriSignfeld We're as separated as we can be with his living and transport arrangements. I'd like nothing more than a completely clean break where I only see him to hand over the DC, but that's not going to happen until he pulls his finger out of his arse and gets himself somewhere proper to live so he can take them regularly. As it stands, he's not even trying, he's happy to sit and fester in his Mam's back room like a teenager. There's nothing I can do about that.