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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids on holiday with his new lady friend

40 replies

SukiSock · 11/08/2022 07:38

I'm trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable or not. My DH and I recently decided to split up. We told the kids last week. They were understandably upset. Two days later DH took them for a holiday away from home. He wanted that they have a good time on their holiday without me which I support (even though it's painful for me) - I want them to have a good relationship with their dad.
But they went to stay his his friend, a woman, who the kids or I have not actually met before, but she is someone that he has told me in the past he wants to have a relationship with. They have been there all week. He says there is no romance right now. I've accused him of damaging our kids by playing happy families with a new mum immediately after telling the kids. He says that he has had chats to the kids and all is fine and I should stop worrying. AIBU?

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 11/08/2022 07:41

Nah, I think you're right, that is damaging to them. Wtf is he thinking? They haven't even processed their parents' separation yet.

Longdistance · 11/08/2022 07:45

Good grief, that’s awful. He’s thinking about his dick first.
Poor dc haven’t even processed the split and he’s straight in there with two feet. I can see why you split, he’s had ow in the background.

clickychicky · 11/08/2022 07:48

I've accused him of damaging our kids by playing happy families with a new mum immediately after telling the kids. I doubt the new girlfriend wants to be a "new mum", being a parent to other people's kids isn't that attractive a prospect. She could end up being a really positive influence in your children's life though, hopefully. I do think it's far too soon for anything like this though. But there is nothing you can do now except trust the man you had kids with not to screw them up.

liveforsummer · 11/08/2022 07:53

Very odd. Tbh dragging them away 2 days after such a big thing is not great in it's self but this will be very confusing for them. Unfortunately not sure there's actually much you can do about it though

Footbal · 11/08/2022 08:04

I would hit the roof if that was my children. You don't know this woman or anything about her. Does she have children? Are there other people living in her house?. This is totally not safe for the children at all. I would imagine DC are quite confused as well.

MmeMeursault · 11/08/2022 08:35

She'll have been OW for some time

RayneDance · 11/08/2022 08:38

I can't understand this behaviour at all...not from her or him.

It's disgraceful.

I wouldn't be doing this to my children, I would be waiting and introducing when appropriate.

They won't know what to think or how to react.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 11/08/2022 08:42

I agree. She’s the OW and has been for a significant amount of time. You don’t just take a random person on holiday with your kids and as as random person you don’t just agree to go.

it is still awful though and there is no way he should have done that 1 week after telling them you’re splitting up.

Mally100 · 11/08/2022 08:45

Wow that is unbelievably cruel of him. It's literally days that you have been separated and he is traumatizing the kids. Off course they won't be fine, that's what he wants it to be. I would he livid but not sure what you could do.

GCAcademic · 11/08/2022 08:46

Wow, what a selfish prick, he can't even keep his kids out of his dick business.

balalake · 11/08/2022 08:48

Awful, and I think also that they have been in some sort of relationship for a while.

Original poster
SukiSock · 11/08/2022 08:50

He says that they are only friends. They all went to stay with her at her home. I know so little about her.
I agree that there is nothing I can do about it.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 11/08/2022 08:51

MmeMeursault · 11/08/2022 08:35

She'll have been OW for some time

Of course she has.

An ex in law was abusive, didn't see his children for months (he wasn't allowed) and then had supervised contact. The first time he had unsupervised contact he introduced children to his new girlfriend.

Some men don't know how to prioritise their children above their own egos.

pollypokcet · 11/08/2022 08:57

SukiSock · 11/08/2022 08:50

He says that they are only friends. They all went to stay with her at her home. I know so little about her.
I agree that there is nothing I can do about it.

He's lying. There's some romantic interest there. He admitted he'd want a relationship with her to you! This is actually horrible of him, I'm sorry.

BearGryllsDad · 11/08/2022 09:00

Yes it's too soon for all that. He needs to focus on the kids, not playing happy families with a new woman. Men are dicks.

Berthatydfil · 11/08/2022 09:02

SukiSock · 11/08/2022 08:50

He says that they are only friends. They all went to stay with her at her home. I know so little about her.
I agree that there is nothing I can do about it.

Of course she is the ow - he is gaslighting you. Don’t believe a word he says from this moment on.
Use this time that they are all away to sort out what you do now re divorce ie finances savings child support house pensions etc and go see a shl.

Sniffypete · 11/08/2022 09:02

Bloody hell. Way too soon, even if they are "just friends"! Poor kids.

Narcheska · 11/08/2022 09:07

I suspect posters are correct when they say she was the OW. It’s crappy behaviour by him and YANBU to be annoyed with him for doing it. Nothing you can do to change or stop it but that doesn’t change its poor behaviour on his part

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/08/2022 09:20

And of course he’s doing it to manipulate their feelings. “Look how fun I am. Look how fun and cool new woman is” He Is a solid gold prick for this and I’d keep an eye out for further tactics to cast him in a better light than you.

TommySaid · 11/08/2022 09:20

It doesn’t matter if they are genuinely just friends or if it was a man’s house.

He’s taken them away to spend some quality time with them to show them that’s he’s still there for them even though you’ve separated - yet he’s taken them to some random persons house.

If he couldn’t afford to take them away then he should have just done free days out.

I can’t see how he thinks this is appropriate at all.
I bet if you had done the same he would have kicked off big time.

Chances are he’s doing this just to hurt you considering he’s told you before that he fancies her.
I wouldn’t rise to the bait.

Echobelly · 11/08/2022 09:22

YANBU, he clearly knew this was unreasonable or he would have checked with you - but he knew you would be well within your rights to say 'No'.

Grimchmas · 11/08/2022 09:25

Totally inappropriate to take them on holiday two days after telling them, totally inappropriate to take them to his female friend's even if there are just friends. They're not though, I'd put money on the fact that she's been the other woman for a while now. He's not even waiting for long enough to be socially acceptable to introduce her as his new girlfriend 🙄

I'm sorry. This is a shitty thing for him to have done, even if you only take it on surface value

Stripedbag101 · 11/08/2022 09:29

clickychicky · 11/08/2022 07:48

I've accused him of damaging our kids by playing happy families with a new mum immediately after telling the kids. I doubt the new girlfriend wants to be a "new mum", being a parent to other people's kids isn't that attractive a prospect. She could end up being a really positive influence in your children's life though, hopefully. I do think it's far too soon for anything like this though. But there is nothing you can do now except trust the man you had kids with not to screw them up.

I would be concerned about any woman who moves this fast and spends a week with children days after they were told parents are separating.

it doesn’t sound like she has good judgement.

the dad is of course primarily to blame here - but would you do this? I wouldn’t. So she isn’t demonstrating behaviours I would want my children to copy.

TommySaid · 11/08/2022 09:49

I would be concerned about any woman who moves this fast and spends a week with children days after they were told parents are separating.

I agree but if she is the OW he seems the sort to have told her they separated a long time ago.

Although you still wouldn’t have them stay at your house the first time meeting them.

10HailMarys · 11/08/2022 10:01

Even if they are just friends (which, let's be clear, they're totally not) it would have been bad to take his kids on holiday with someone they've never met, two days after they learned that their parents were splitting.

I assume he's been having an affair with her for some time.

Without knowing her side of the story it's impossible to comment on her behaviour - he might have told her all sorts of lies about his relationship with you, for all we know - but he is being a complete shit here. It's not even about the way he's treating you, it's about what he's doing to his children.