Help me

[Mw19]

I'm 31 and feel so low.

My mum died suddenly 18 months ago, (a cardiac arrest at home). My dad is rubbish, never calls me, never asks how I am. He has a big family and a great social life and doesn't appear to have struggled at all. My sister lives 4 hours away, and again, never asks how I am. We argued about her lack of support post mums death (and in general) and now we dont talk which means I'm missing out on seeing my 2yr old nephew. I've always been so supportive of her, her business ventures, her pregnancy (I'm a midwife), the birth (I was there), the weeks after etc.

My on/off boyfriend is emotionally controlling. He wasn't particularly supportive when she died and tbh we spent all last year arguing about the fact I wasn't having sex with him.

During our on/off relationship I've been to uni, got a degree, got my dream job and not once did he celebrate with me. He never got me a well done card. A good luck card. No "I'm proud of you" or anything. Recently I got another new job, and nothing. When it was mothers day, knowing that it would be difficult for me, there was no show of support. We got a dog last year and I would have absolutely loved a mothers day card from the dog (sad, I know) - but I got him a father's day card from her and he loved it. Instead, nothing. Even though that would have made me smile so much. Also to add, I only took 7 weeks off work when she died and in that 7 weeks I bought a keyboard and tried to learn the piano. I met friends. I got out the house. I never moped around. I never stayed in bed. I wanted to get on with life, I don't know if that's right or wrong. But my point is it's not like he can accuse me of being difficult to be around when she died. It's not like I locked myself away and leant on him a lot. It was practically like nothing had changed. I showered every day, looked after the dog, cooked etc. It was lock down so we weren't going anywhere anyway.

It came up in conversation last night when I said that he doesn't care about whether I'm happy or not - it simply isn't important to him. I asked him how come he didn't get me a mothers day card when he knew how happy it would have made me, especially on a difficult day. His answer - "because you kept going on about wanting one and it was grating on me. If you tell me what to do I'm not gonna do it - it makes me not wanna do it".

I can remember exactly how I felt on that day. And I remember exactly how I felt when I came home from shift and realised he hadn't got me a card from the dog to cheer me up. My heart broke twice. (May I add - I recall mentioning/reminding him that it was mother's day once. I've looked back through messages and there's nothing on them. I certainly wasn't hounding him about it. I think I'd said "please can I have a card from the dog?"

AIBU to ask for something so little? I guess it's ridiculous to ask isn't it.

I've recently started a new job and it's highlighted just how little I think of myself and have zero confidence in anything I say or do. I'm shocked at how low my self esteem has become. I miss my mum, and I have no one backing me at all. My dad and sister didn't contact me knowing I'd started the job to ask how it was going or anything.

What do I do because I can't keep going like this.
Leave my partner?
Speak to my dad and sister?
I have wonderful friends thankfully.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading x

Everybody grieves differently. Don't assume because they don't appear to be acting like you that your sister and father are having an easy time of it.

Your boyfriend is a dick, judge people by how they celebrate your success and you'll get a more accurate representation of how they truly view you.

You have a lots of different things going on here and I’m sorry your lost your Mum 💐

You don’t sound like you’re happy in your relationship but there has to be more to that than the lack of a card from the dog. Honestly I think thats an unusual thing for you to be focused on and to have put a high expectation on, but if it’s more an explanation of how you don’t feel like your feelings are acknowledged or considered then it’s more understandable. Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?

It definitely sounds like your expectations of your family are very high. I don’t believe that your Dad hasn’t struggled, that would be impossible even if your parents didn’t have a great relationship and even if your dad does have supportive friends and family. He may have hidden it well from you but that doesn’t mean he won’t have struggled at all. Youre complaining that he hasn’t called you to ask how you are, but do you call him to ask how he is? Same for your sister. She had a baby around the same time as she lost her Mum and that must have been incredibly hard for her. I can see why it would be hard for her to provide support to you when she has a baby to look after, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. It’s probably worth reaching out to her and trying to repair that relationship.

@Mw19 - I’m so, so sorry for your loss. None of us know how grief will affect us until it happens, and it can be completely overwhelming and devastating. Notwithstanding, you should be so proud of yourself for all you have achieved. You clearly have intelligence and determination. I think your mother would be incredibly proud of your academic and career success. Are you able to access grief counselling? This might help with dealing with the sudden loss of your Mum, and also your self esteem (grief is so overwhelming that it can overshadow everything else).

Re your sister and your father - people process grief in different ways, and we can’t always how other people behave. I think an open chat with them would help. You need them to reach out and remember particular days, but maybe they cope by suppressing things. I’m not saying they’re wrong - just that people deal with things differently, and once you know how someone else deals with a situation it’s easier to understand when they don’t behave as you expect. You probably don’t need more upheaval in your life, but your boyfriend sounds awful. Knowing that you wanted the card, he deliberately didn’t do it? I think you deserve better than that. Hang in there - it does get better. And be proud of yourself - you’ve achieved so much.

Your partner sounds vile, do yourself a favour a cut the dead weight off. Don't worry about father and sister, if you gave good friends lean on them.

I do, I message him a lot. And I did my sister too, I went down to London as much as I could.

They both have their own families whereas I have no one (me and my bf are more off than on and they know this). So to never check up on me hurts a bit. I didn't think my expectations were high but I'll reassess that.

And no, I don't want to stay in the relationship. There is more to it than just the card. Like I said, he has barely been supportive and always puts his needs before mine. He deliberately didn't get me a card on one of the saddest days "just because". He's pretty awful to me, but that's another conversation

How do you feel about calling your dad and sister?

Personally I think you need to leave the boyfriend, sorry if I missed it but do you live with him? After a few months you'll feel so much lighter. You've managed to achieve so much you should be really proud of yourself.

Also consider contacting women's aid if you feel you need advice on leaving him if you feel he is abusive.

I can hear how unhappy your relationship is making you from your words. I think it is affecting your self esteem and although you are lonely, your relationship is compounding that feeling, not helping. If you have the strength to split for good, I would set yourself free and try to forge lots of new friendships and relationships with kinder people who add more to your life.

I think you need to start with this. Being in no relationship rather than an awful one is always preferable. I know how difficult it is to ask them to leave, even when you are desperately unhappy in the relationship, but when the dust settles its SUCH a relief to be rid of a partner who doesn't treat you with kindness.

Start here, OP. You can't fix everything at once, but you can start here.

I’m so sorry about your mother. Sudden death is incredibly hard to come to terms with.

This is what leaps out from your OP:

tbh we spent all last year arguing about the fact I wasn't having sex with him. During our on/off relationship I've been to uni, got a degree, got my dream job and not once did he celebrate with me.

I realise you must feel rather alone - but this relationship is pointless and damaging to you. Look how much you’ve achieved! But all of it spoilt by lack of interest or support from your so-called boyfriend.

Sometimes people get into the habit of not respecting someone. Sometimes people forget that relationships are meant to be fun and to enhance your life.

At a time when you’re grieving, and feeling (even if unjustifiably) neglected by your family, your relationship is bringing you down further. Please find the strength to end it. Amongst the billions of men there are in the world I guarantee there must be hundreds with whom you could be infinitely happier. In the meantime, break up with this one and try to find strength in yourself. Things will get better eventually.

I think you are being unfair on your sister and father and setting very high expectations, almost as if they should recognise that you have suffered a greater loss than they have. Your sister lost her mum too, so how can you complain to her that she is not supporting you enough? Assuming your parents were an average married couple, your father has probably just gone through the biggest trauma of his life. He has probably decided that keeping busy was the best thing for him to do and that doesn’t seem unreasonable to me.

Your relationship with your boyfriend doesn’t sound great though, in that it doesn’t seem like either of you are very happy. Surely it is time to call time on it for both of your sakes?

I am going to side with him on the Mothers Day card thing though. What is the point in badgering somebody to buy you a Mother’s Day card from a dog, or badgering somebody into buying you anything, you might as well just buy it yourself. To me it has no meaning if you have to badger for it anyway. Maybe slightly separately but I lost my mother when I was 36 and I am now 52 and not a mother. I generally get through Mother’s Day by ignoring it, my husband once hinted that I would be getting something from the dogs and I nipped that in the bud as I found it inappropriate, a bit insulting even, maybe your boyfriend just couldn’t get his head around that.

Like I lack the ability to articulate how I feel without them triggering me.

For a bit more context, on Christmas day I woke up ill and tested positive for covid. We were at my dads. My sister was in one of her moods with me. I'd only brought enough dog food for the 2 days I was due to stay, but now I was quarantining there for the week. So I asked my dad if he'd mind going to the pet shop one day soon to get me some more dog food. What then ensued was a Spanish inquisition from them both about why I buy my dog food from pets at home and not from Aldi like my sister does. I explained it's just the one she was weaned onto and I wanted to keep it the same etc etc and it became a massive gang up on me (as usual) about how ridiculous that is. Pets at home is 20 minutes away and I should buy it from the supermarket. I tried to say that changing her food suddenly can cause an upset tummy so is it just OK if he could get it for me as 1) I can't leave the house and 2) I don't feel well. He said no. At the Christmas dinner table.

I ended up going myself later in the week using contactless service.

My dad says no to me about going to the pet shop but will do anything for my sister. Literally, he's driven across Europe to help collect her and her dog to bring them back to the UK, drives down to London to babysit for the day, etc. For me, he said no to a 20 minute journey when I was poorly.

Ok sounds like you're dad and sister aren't the best people to call maybe. Could you try the GP? They might be able to point you in the direction of some counselling to help you work through your feelings?

I really need to try and understand how I'm setting such high expectations? I've been there for both of them so much. Whenever a family crisis happens, it's me they call. Whenever shit hits the fan, it's me. Whenever my dads been poorly, it's me that sorts it, gets him seen, gets stuff done. When my sister fell pregnant unexpectedly and had a wobble, I was there, whenever she's started a new jon or business venture, I've been promoting it and joined her online classes, invited people etc. Spread the word. When her birth experience was traumatic because the midwife abandoned her, I stepped in. I held her hand and told her everything would be OK. I explained absolutely everything to her and she does say how she's so appreciative of that but my point is I've been there for both of them and I feel let down.

Mid cardiac arrest who did my dad call. Me.
I asked to speak to the doctor heading up the team working on her and we spoke on a healthcare professionals level. I knew what it meant.
Who then called everyone else to tell them. Me.
Who organised everyone and everything.
The list goes on tbh. I wouldn't even know where to begin. But if my expectations are all wrong then I'm open to this. I just don't feel like the support I've been to the family over the years is reciprocated.

You sound absolutely lovely and have done so well to graduate and in your career. Your mum would be very proud of you. They sound as if they are both busy in their lives wrapped up in themselves. Try not to dwell on that too much but deal with getting rid of your boyfriend, spend some time with your good friends and see how you go.

I’m trying to say this in the nicest possible way OP, so please forgive me if my words on a screen don’t come across with the kindness and understanding I mean.

The things you described in your last paragraph about supporting your family when your mum was ill are just normal things that could fairly be expected of you at that point. Although it will have been difficult and draining for you, it’s not the sort of support that you’d expect to be ‘paid back’.

It does sound like you’ve done a lot to support your sister with her pregnancy and birth, but those are major things that it’s clear people can’t do alone. At the moment, you are feeling very much in need of support, but there’s nothing outward that would make your dad and sister think that you need them much right now. You’ve started a new job and that’s a positive thing, so they could be forgiven for thinking that you’re fine. Clearly you’re not, but in the absence of a family crisis, how do your family know that you need them?

Your sister probably doesn’t have much in her to give while she’s had a baby/toddler because it can be very full on and take so much energy and attention that everything else falls away for a few years. I can see it being especially difficult if she’s been accused of not being supportive enough at a time that would have been incredibly hard for her.

You say that they know you are more off than on with your boyfriend, but as long as you’re still choosing to be on as much as possible with him, maybe your dad is expecting to be more supportive when you split up. Maybe he’s a man that doesn’t get the need for emotional support in a way that would help you and it’s not that he wouldn’t support you, it’s that he doesn’t know you need help and if he did he wouldn’t know what to do anyway.

Youre talking the dog food thing personally and allowing it to hurt you, when from your Dads perspective it wasn’t about being unwilling to do you a favour and it was probably just that he disagrees on the need for the type of food you want.

Is there any chance you’re projecting some of your upset onto your family when the bigger problem is really your relationship?

Yes maybe you're right and the bigger problem is the relationship. But I feel like I hold onto him and go back to him because I feel like I have no family support and they all lean on me. Maybe its a viscous cycle. And all the while I just want to speak to my mum and I can't.

My grandad has been in and out of hospital and that was all on me.
My grandma from the opposite side died 2 weeks ago and it's her funeral tomorrow.
I just wish I had someone.

Oh bless you 💐 I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandma as well. No wonder you’re feeling bloody awful right now.

Be kind to yourself today and over the weekend and give yourself a break. This isn’t the time to be thinking about ending your relationship for good or to be thinking clearly about your family relationships. It’s too much all at once. Just do a day at a time, and maybe after the funeral you’ll start to feel a bit stronger.

You’re not alone in feeling alone, but it won’t be like this forever.

You need to reach out. Say you are sorry. People grieve in different ways. Your dad is coping tbecway I do. Surrounding himself with fun and distraction. It's not that he doesn't care.

You seem the type that wallows I'm their grief and that can be difficult for others to be around if they need the uplift

Your dad might not call you because it's too painful for him to see you upset and he can't manage that right now

No-one is grieving in the right or wrong way.

You are hurt but you need to recognise they aren't deliberately hurting you. They are trying to cope and get on with their lives best they can

Pick up the phone. Don't argue.

Ask them how they are and do they fancy meeting for Sunday lunch keep it light and conversation pleasant

I’m so sorry about your mum and grandma.

Something that is screaming out to me is that you don’t seem to have anyone in your life who makes you feel good. You’re surrounded by all these people who make you feel inadequate,
unworthy and taken for granted. No wonder your self esteem has taken a kicking.

I have some experience of this. My dad died in my 20s, no other family besides a self-absorbed mother who neglected me as a child and takes no interest in my life, and a brother who doesn’t even bother to respond to friendly ‘hello! How are you?’ texts. I held onto abusive relationships because I had no one else. I ended up internalising it all and my self esteem was on the floor. I’d started a degree as a mature student and quit halfway through feeling utterly worthless.

I did the Freedom Programme and seriously worked on my boundaries. I ended a relationship with someone I loved but who was also abusive to me. It was really hard, but I knew it was destroying me (and him!). I picked my degree back up and got involved with other mature students who made me feel good about myself. I started evaluating friendships and ditched the ones that made me feel bad about myself. I worked hard on being kind to myself and made a conscious effort to counter feelings of worthlessness with nurturing, to try to be the parent I never had. It’s still really tough sometimes, like being blue-lighted to hospital recently and having no one to be there with me. It took my mum two days to respond to a text that I was being assessed for a stroke! I did go to a dark place and wished someone could be there, but I pulled myself out of it… because I know that it’s not because I’m unworthy of love and support, but rather a result of prioritising rubbish relationships for so many years instead of focusing on setting boundaries and opening myself up to the possibility of good ones.

I think you need to seriously consider ditching your boyfriend as he seems to be draining the life out of you. As for your unsupportive/uninterested family, you didn’t choose them and you’re unlikely to be able to change them. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Step away from them, even if only mentally. Put on your armour when you speak to them and keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of support and respect, even if they are unable to give it to you.

I would recommend really working on your self esteem. Freedom programme (it’s free). Therapy if you can afford it, self-help if you can’t. Tara Brach’s books and podcasts have probably helped me more than any talking therapy I’ve had. Take stock of how people make you feel and what, if anything, they add to your life. You’ve achieved so much, be proud of yourself. Focus on moving forward and building new, healthy relationships with people who don’t make you question yourself. It might be a slow process, as it has been for me, but believe me having nobody to support you and actively supporting yourself is a million times better than having somebody who doesn’t support you and makes you doubt yourself and feel like shit. It will make you stronger, more resilient and less likely to put up with shit in the future. Things can and will change OP.

I can't offer much in the way of wisdom as some fabulous previous posters have.

But I wanted to tell you that you come across as a kind, thoughtful, capable person who is lonely.

Maybe start with a squeeze on your dad and/or sisters hand at the funeral next week.

And then come home and plan how you can leave your boyfriend within the next 6 months. Give yourself a project and target. Control how it happens.

Follow up the funeral a week or so later with a quick text to dad and sis to say it was good to see them, albeit in sad circumstances. Keep the line of communication open but try not to expect them to be emotional support for you.

Is there a helpline accessible through work? Most healthcare settings seem to have something these days. Maybe give them a call to see if grief counselling might be available?

Your DM was a huge part of your life and possibly kept the family connected. She's left a gap that isn't your responsibility to fill. But I understand why you want your Dad and sis to realise how much you miss them.

This isn't about not getting a Mother's Day card from the dog, is it? It's about the fact that your relationship is deeply unhappy and you need to end it. Deal with that first, and then deal with the family.

I’d end the relationship. You’re clearly not happy and I can’t see that changing. Then figure out ways to stop you getting back with him.

In families people tend to unconsciously assign roles to other family members. Your role seems to be the support person. Do you think your family sees you as not needing support as much as they do ??

Also don’t underestimate how draining it can be to support someone in an on- off relationship. I think if you end it for good then you might find things with your family will change.

Freedom programme is a great idea

And then come home and plan how you can leave your boyfriend within the next 6 months.

Why On Earth ???

The man doesn’t care about her and drags her down continuously. It may be that he’s envious of the things she is achieving. It may be he resents any attention she gives to anything else. Whatever the cause their relationship is worse than useless and the OP would be a million times happier without him. So why should she maintain this awful relationship for six more months? She could be rid of him by tomorrow!