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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me

27 replies

Mw19 · 11/08/2022 06:46

I'm 31 and feel so low.

My mum died suddenly 18 months ago, (a cardiac arrest at home). My dad is rubbish, never calls me, never asks how I am. He has a big family and a great social life and doesn't appear to have struggled at all. My sister lives 4 hours away, and again, never asks how I am. We argued about her lack of support post mums death (and in general) and now we dont talk which means I'm missing out on seeing my 2yr old nephew. I've always been so supportive of her, her business ventures, her pregnancy (I'm a midwife), the birth (I was there), the weeks after etc.

My on/off boyfriend is emotionally controlling. He wasn't particularly supportive when she died and tbh we spent all last year arguing about the fact I wasn't having sex with him.

During our on/off relationship I've been to uni, got a degree, got my dream job and not once did he celebrate with me. He never got me a well done card. A good luck card. No "I'm proud of you" or anything. Recently I got another new job, and nothing. When it was mothers day, knowing that it would be difficult for me, there was no show of support. We got a dog last year and I would have absolutely loved a mothers day card from the dog (sad, I know) - but I got him a father's day card from her and he loved it. Instead, nothing. Even though that would have made me smile so much. Also to add, I only took 7 weeks off work when she died and in that 7 weeks I bought a keyboard and tried to learn the piano. I met friends. I got out the house. I never moped around. I never stayed in bed. I wanted to get on with life, I don't know if that's right or wrong. But my point is it's not like he can accuse me of being difficult to be around when she died. It's not like I locked myself away and leant on him a lot. It was practically like nothing had changed. I showered every day, looked after the dog, cooked etc. It was lock down so we weren't going anywhere anyway.

It came up in conversation last night when I said that he doesn't care about whether I'm happy or not - it simply isn't important to him. I asked him how come he didn't get me a mothers day card when he knew how happy it would have made me, especially on a difficult day. His answer - "because you kept going on about wanting one and it was grating on me. If you tell me what to do I'm not gonna do it - it makes me not wanna do it".

I can remember exactly how I felt on that day. And I remember exactly how I felt when I came home from shift and realised he hadn't got me a card from the dog to cheer me up. My heart broke twice. (May I add - I recall mentioning/reminding him that it was mother's day once. I've looked back through messages and there's nothing on them. I certainly wasn't hounding him about it. I think I'd said "please can I have a card from the dog?"

AIBU to ask for something so little? I guess it's ridiculous to ask isn't it.

I've recently started a new job and it's highlighted just how little I think of myself and have zero confidence in anything I say or do. I'm shocked at how low my self esteem has become. I miss my mum, and I have no one backing me at all. My dad and sister didn't contact me knowing I'd started the job to ask how it was going or anything.

What do I do because I can't keep going like this.
Leave my partner?
Speak to my dad and sister?
I have wonderful friends thankfully.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Gazelda · 11/08/2022 15:03

MuddlerInLaw · 11/08/2022 10:39

And then come home and plan how you can leave your boyfriend within the next 6 months.

Why On Earth ???

The man doesn’t care about her and drags her down continuously. It may be that he’s envious of the things she is achieving. It may be he resents any attention she gives to anything else. Whatever the cause their relationship is worse than useless and the OP would be a million times happier without him. So why should she maintain this awful relationship for six more months? She could be rid of him by tomorrow!

Because the OP sounds fragile and vulnerable at the moment.

It takes a lot of strength and support to permanently leave a long term relationship. I'm not sure OP has either of these in abundance at the moment.

I wanted to encourage OP to plan and take steps that don't overwhelm her or leave her lonelier or more unhappy than she currently appears to be.

Of course, if OP is able to leave sooner than that, then it's a hugely positive thing. There's no doubt her relationship is an unhappy one and her DP doesn't treat her the way she deserves.

Apologies for talking about you on your own thread OP. It's rude of me.
But I wanted to explain why I worded my previous post the way I did. It was meant to be supportive.

I hope you are looking forward today. There's a brighter future ahead of you.

Original poster
Mw19 · 11/08/2022 22:04

OliveRanch · 11/08/2022 09:29

I’m so sorry about your mum and grandma.

Something that is screaming out to me is that you don’t seem to have anyone in your life who makes you feel good. You’re surrounded by all these people who make you feel inadequate,
unworthy and taken for granted. No wonder your self esteem has taken a kicking.

I have some experience of this. My dad died in my 20s, no other family besides a self-absorbed mother who neglected me as a child and takes no interest in my life, and a brother who doesn’t even bother to respond to friendly ‘hello! How are you?’ texts. I held onto abusive relationships because I had no one else. I ended up internalising it all and my self esteem was on the floor. I’d started a degree as a mature student and quit halfway through feeling utterly worthless.

I did the Freedom Programme and seriously worked on my boundaries. I ended a relationship with someone I loved but who was also abusive to me. It was really hard, but I knew it was destroying me (and him!). I picked my degree back up and got involved with other mature students who made me feel good about myself. I started evaluating friendships and ditched the ones that made me feel bad about myself. I worked hard on being kind to myself and made a conscious effort to counter feelings of worthlessness with nurturing, to try to be the parent I never had. It’s still really tough sometimes, like being blue-lighted to hospital recently and having no one to be there with me. It took my mum two days to respond to a text that I was being assessed for a stroke! I did go to a dark place and wished someone could be there, but I pulled myself out of it… because I know that it’s not because I’m unworthy of love and support, but rather a result of prioritising rubbish relationships for so many years instead of focusing on setting boundaries and opening myself up to the possibility of good ones.

I think you need to seriously consider ditching your boyfriend as he seems to be draining the life out of you. As for your unsupportive/uninterested family, you didn’t choose them and you’re unlikely to be able to change them. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Step away from them, even if only mentally. Put on your armour when you speak to them and keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of support and respect, even if they are unable to give it to you.

I would recommend really working on your self esteem. Freedom programme (it’s free). Therapy if you can afford it, self-help if you can’t. Tara Brach’s books and podcasts have probably helped me more than any talking therapy I’ve had. Take stock of how people make you feel and what, if anything, they add to your life. You’ve achieved so much, be proud of yourself. Focus on moving forward and building new, healthy relationships with people who don’t make you question yourself. It might be a slow process, as it has been for me, but believe me having nobody to support you and actively supporting yourself is a million times better than having somebody who doesn’t support you and makes you doubt yourself and feel like shit. It will make you stronger, more resilient and less likely to put up with shit in the future. Things can and will change OP.

Thank you, I'll take a look at Tara's books and the freedom programme, which looks good. I'm so glad you re-joined the degree!

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Some of you have described exactly how I feel.

And maybe people are right about my family having no outward signs that I'm not feeling okay, and that I'd like their input, or to know that they care, and that I miss them etc and that I'm finding life really hard and scary and overwhelming being alone. I probably come across as very independent and OK and don't make it easy when actually what I really want is a cuddle and for someone to be there.

Someone suggested my on/off bf might be envious of my achievements and I've thought that too. I've often thought he must actually hate me to never celebrate with me, never say he's proud of me, never acknowledge what I'm going through losing my mum etc never be interested in me etc. I need to get my act together and find some bravery from somewhere and leave.

OP posts:
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