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Original poster

To tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable to me

40 replies

shutupandance · 10/08/2022 10:39

I've been dating a guy a few months. It's been complicated but we were in a great place before I left for a month for a really exciting work trip.

We've done a great job of keeping in contact for the first 3.5 weeks and all has been good, but the last few days he's been distant and hasn't called when he said he would.

But more importantly, when we have spoken, he's talked solely about himself and his life and hasn't asked a single thing about me. Not how I am. Not what I've been up to. Not how work is going. Nothing.

We finally had a quick chat this morning and again, he talked non-stop about himself. Now, he does have a very interesting and busy life. But so do I and I'm losing all enthusiasm for being effusive about the minutia of his day when he hasn't even said 'how are you?'.

I'd like to bring this up to him later but, with a few days until I see him in person, I don't want to start an argument.

However, I'm way too old and jaded to let this stuff slide and not state my boundaries. Not calling when he said he would, without any explanation, is not something I'm ok with. Particularly when I'm busy myself. Likewise, not asking a single thing about MY life, is just so off-putting.

The wrinkle in this is that I've actually been through this with him once before when we were both travelling. It was exactly the same after the first couple of weeks apart - he kind of went a bit weird and self-centred. Once we were back in the same place, he was lovely again and things were wonderful. So there is logic to just letting it go and seeing how he is when I'm back. But I still have another week to go and i'm so bloody wound up!

I don't know how to put this to him without getting labelled demanding or shrill, but surely these are basic asks/common decency.

OP posts:
yesimbragging · 10/08/2022 10:42

I don't know how to put this to him without getting labelled demanding or shrill

Does he have form for this?

10HailMarys · 10/08/2022 10:46

You're not compatible.

Telling him his conversation is 'unacceptable' isn't going to change him; this is the kind of person he is and if you are already getting 'so bloody wound up' and think he lacks 'common decency' then this relationship is absolutely not meant to be.

It's absolutely reasonable that you're finding his self-absorption annoying, but I don't think ordering him to communicate in a manner that's more acceptable to you is going to fix things.

Ponoka7 · 10/08/2022 10:47

Things shouldn't be this hard after a few months. Dating should be fun, this doesn't sound like fun. You are out of sight, out of mind and then he does what he needs to, when he sees you again to get what he wants.

Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 10:52

yesimbragging · 10/08/2022 10:42

I don't know how to put this to him without getting labelled demanding or shrill

Does he have form for this?

No. Not at all. The opposite. He's very receptive if I raise something.

OP posts:
FOJN · 10/08/2022 10:53

You're a few months in, it's the second time this issue has come up and you're worrying about how he might label you for raising it again.

Is it really worth it?

Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 10:53

FOJN · 10/08/2022 10:53

You're a few months in, it's the second time this issue has come up and you're worrying about how he might label you for raising it again.

Is it really worth it?

No. Probably not. The first time round I was really worried about it. This time round I find myself just exasperated and wanting to match his energy (or lack thereof).

OP posts:
Mushroomlady · 10/08/2022 11:05

You could take a NVC (non violent communication) approach... State the situation, what you felt, what your need is and then make a request.

ie. 'When you call and don't even ask how I'm doing I find it upsetting/frustrating because I need to feel cared for/valued/respected in my relationships. Would it be possible for you to be more mindful of the balance of exchange in our conversations in future?'

If he doesn't change then dump him.

eatsleepeatrepeat · 10/08/2022 11:10

It just sounds like he's more than a bit self absorbed OP. You've already raised it before and he's reverted back to the previous behaviour. It's only a few months in so maybe just chalk up to a personality clash. Me & DH we're in long distance relationship for a good couple of years and never had an issue like this so I personally wouldn't put up with it xx

SarahSissions · 10/08/2022 11:10

He’s not interested in you or what you are up to. If you raise it, he might start asking the questions to keep you happy, but he doesn’t really care about the answers; if he did he’d already be asking.

you deserve better OP

Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 11:15

eatsleepeatrepeat · 10/08/2022 11:10

It just sounds like he's more than a bit self absorbed OP. You've already raised it before and he's reverted back to the previous behaviour. It's only a few months in so maybe just chalk up to a personality clash. Me & DH we're in long distance relationship for a good couple of years and never had an issue like this so I personally wouldn't put up with it xx

I didn't raise it last time. I will do this time.

That said, as you say, it shouldn't be an issue at all. He's a grown man. He knows how to take an interest in someone's day.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 11:25

I don't know how to put this to him without getting labelled demanding or shrill
You don't need to care what labels a self-obsessed flaky man puts on you.

The wrinkle in this is that I've actually been through this with him once before when we were both travelling. It was exactly the same after the first couple of weeks apart - he kind of went a bit weird and self-centred. Once we were back in the same place, he was lovely again and things were wonderful. So there is logic to just letting it go and seeing how he is when I'm back.
You could reframe this.
Instead of thinking "well it all got better last time" -
you could reverse it & think "fucksake here we go again" ...

Whatever you decide to do, please DO NOT fall into the trap of accepting that it's your job to train him. It's not your job to teach a self-obsessed man how to focus on someone other than himself - it's your job to spot that selfishness, & remove yourself from its orbit.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/08/2022 11:28

He sounds like a proper bore. I wouldn't bother going over it again with him, he won't change.

GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 11:33

Acting distant, doesn't call when they say they will, when they do rants on about themselves

This person is probably not so keen on you

You know what's a good way to show someone their behaviour is not acceptable?

Stop answering their calls!

Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 11:33

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/08/2022 11:28

He sounds like a proper bore. I wouldn't bother going over it again with him, he won't change.

Funny, I've been using that exact phrase about him to a friend today. I'm just bored with it.

He is absolutely lovely in person though, otherwise we couldn't have made it this far!

OP posts:
Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 11:36

GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 11:33

Acting distant, doesn't call when they say they will, when they do rants on about themselves

This person is probably not so keen on you

You know what's a good way to show someone their behaviour is not acceptable?

Stop answering their calls!

See this would be my advice to someone else, but in person this man cannot do enough for me. He treats me like a queen. It's really confusing.

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 10/08/2022 11:38

I just read this and thought 'bore'. Tell him to bore off OP

Vikinga · 10/08/2022 11:39

If he's great in person then I woul still give him a chance. Maybe he's focusing on impressing you, storing up exciting stuff to tell you when he chats to you so you think he's really interesting?

I think it is too early to tell. Enjoy your holiday and don't worry about it. You dont have to make any decisions now.

UWhatNow · 10/08/2022 11:45

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/08/2022 11:28

He sounds like a proper bore. I wouldn't bother going over it again with him, he won't change.

Yep I’m at an age where I no longer have a single solitary iota of patience for self aggrandising male bullshit.

Men seem to have this notion that women just breath and exist to be the adoring recipients of their infinite ‘wisdom’ and mundane epic monologues. I’m 52 and refuse to put up with it - I either rudely cut across them (I don’t care if it’s rude) and point out that they’ve talked too long/they’re too dull/they’re incorrect/there is a woman I’d much rather hear from etc or I walk away.

I think you must be blunt if you want it to change. He’s being rude so don’t be afraid of being rude back. Stop being so polite and educate him. Or walk away.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 11:46

See this would be my advice to someone else, but in person this man cannot do enough for me. He treats me like a queen. It's really confusing

Do you think he has been Love Bombing you?
"Confused" is exactly how you are meant to feel when a partner blows hot & cold. It's designed to keep you wrong-footed, with all your attention on them.

Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 11:51

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 11:46

See this would be my advice to someone else, but in person this man cannot do enough for me. He treats me like a queen. It's really confusing

Do you think he has been Love Bombing you?
"Confused" is exactly how you are meant to feel when a partner blows hot & cold. It's designed to keep you wrong-footed, with all your attention on them.

It's not something that would occur to me but it could be I suppose?

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 11:54

Yep I’m at an age where I no longer have a single solitary iota of patience for self aggrandising male bullshit.

Men seem to have this notion that women just breath and exist to be the adoring recipients of their infinite ‘wisdom’ and mundane epic monologues.

Ye Dogs I hear you @UWhatNow.
Have builders in currently. All male. One of them is so irritatingly, gobsmackingly convinced he is entitled to my attention. It's been taking the form of monologuing, but repeating the monologue 5 times, because obviously I need to witness him Performing His Role & won't be able to understand a single iteration of "is it ok if I put the new control box on this wall here?"
The need for constant applause, the body-blocking & standing too close - his last antic was to invade the room I'm holed up in to read out to me - slowly - the long text he is sending his boss about my job, then tell me at great length how he composes & checks texts before sending them.
Fortunately like you I am long in the tooth & wise to male attention-hogging, & sent him off with a curt "great, thanks, I'm on a deadline to get an email sent, could you close the door on your way out so the dog doesn't escape?"

It's EXHAUSTING.
Just do your fucking job & stop expecting me to applaud you for it like you are 3 & I am your mummy.

Blimey, that was a derail. Apologies OP.

Sunnyqueen · 10/08/2022 11:56

If he's honestly never once asked you about yourself I don't know how you got past day 2.

Original poster
shutupandance · 10/08/2022 12:01

KettrickenSmiled · 10/08/2022 11:54

Yep I’m at an age where I no longer have a single solitary iota of patience for self aggrandising male bullshit.

Men seem to have this notion that women just breath and exist to be the adoring recipients of their infinite ‘wisdom’ and mundane epic monologues.

Ye Dogs I hear you @UWhatNow.
Have builders in currently. All male. One of them is so irritatingly, gobsmackingly convinced he is entitled to my attention. It's been taking the form of monologuing, but repeating the monologue 5 times, because obviously I need to witness him Performing His Role & won't be able to understand a single iteration of "is it ok if I put the new control box on this wall here?"
The need for constant applause, the body-blocking & standing too close - his last antic was to invade the room I'm holed up in to read out to me - slowly - the long text he is sending his boss about my job, then tell me at great length how he composes & checks texts before sending them.
Fortunately like you I am long in the tooth & wise to male attention-hogging, & sent him off with a curt "great, thanks, I'm on a deadline to get an email sent, could you close the door on your way out so the dog doesn't escape?"

It's EXHAUSTING.
Just do your fucking job & stop expecting me to applaud you for it like you are 3 & I am your mummy.

Blimey, that was a derail. Apologies OP.

Ugh. This is exactly the energy that I can't stand and am very wary of. How do they not have the self awareness to see how vile this is?

OP posts:
GeriSignfeld · 10/08/2022 12:03

"treats me like a Queen"

What does this mean exactly?

Does it mean that in person he does ask you about yourself & is just not a phone person?

Does it mean he behaves in a gentlemanly & traditional manner?

I've found there are some men that enjoy feeling chivalrous & putting on a performance.

Especially when that performance leads to sex.

Interesting that when you meet up & presumably sex is on the cards he "treats you like a queen"

But when you're chatting on the phone & there's no chance of sex you're expected to be his captive audience.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2022 12:03

Vote with your feet. Why would you waste even one more minute on this man?