To tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable to me

[shutupandance]

I've been dating a guy a few months. It's been complicated but we were in a great place before I left for a month for a really exciting work trip.

We've done a great job of keeping in contact for the first 3.5 weeks and all has been good, but the last few days he's been distant and hasn't called when he said he would.

But more importantly, when we have spoken, he's talked solely about himself and his life and hasn't asked a single thing about me. Not how I am. Not what I've been up to. Not how work is going. Nothing.

We finally had a quick chat this morning and again, he talked non-stop about himself. Now, he does have a very interesting and busy life. But so do I and I'm losing all enthusiasm for being effusive about the minutia of his day when he hasn't even said 'how are you?'.

I'd like to bring this up to him later but, with a few days until I see him in person, I don't want to start an argument.

However, I'm way too old and jaded to let this stuff slide and not state my boundaries. Not calling when he said he would, without any explanation, is not something I'm ok with. Particularly when I'm busy myself. Likewise, not asking a single thing about MY life, is just so off-putting.

The wrinkle in this is that I've actually been through this with him once before when we were both travelling. It was exactly the same after the first couple of weeks apart - he kind of went a bit weird and self-centred. Once we were back in the same place, he was lovely again and things were wonderful. So there is logic to just letting it go and seeing how he is when I'm back. But I still have another week to go and i'm so bloody wound up!

I don't know how to put this to him without getting labelled demanding or shrill, but surely these are basic asks/common decency.

I'm wondering why you wouldn't just interrupt him and say 'yes I'm great actually - thanks for asking! Would you like to hear about my day?' I appreciate you shouldn't have to but sometimes you just have to be blunt with some people - good luck!

Interesting q, @shutupandance

I suspect that self-awareness develops exponentially in people who are raised & socialised to put other people's feelings first & develop empathy for others.

No prizes for assigning which sex tends to be on the end of that "think about others" upbringing, & thus self-awareness - & which tends to be raised to consider its own goals & wishes as primary.

This is likely the approach I will take when we talk next.

I said the exact same to a friend this week! How liberating it must be not to have such concerns.

@KettrickenSmiled love it! Wish more women had the confidence to cut through it like that.

Unfortunately I fear that men are so oblivious to their own boorish nature it doesn’t even register. That’s why you should be blunt op. You’re fretting far too much about his feelings instead of focussing on your own.

Thank you @UWhatNow ... & it's only taken me 6 decades ...

Heh. I am 53 and also no longer tolerate one single jot of this kind of tedious self-important bollockry. It must be a menopause thing, wish I'd learned it earlier though!

Could be live bombing as mentioned, or true colors showing, or less keen than you think, but I also think long distance makes it harder. I would keep my eyes open, would say “I have had a brilliant day” as suggested, mention something in person, and see how things go.

If things really have been great and when you are together he acts differently I’m going to wonder if he lacks the imagination and curiosity to show an interest in your day? Certainly worth mentioning in a non aggressive way, ‘sounds like your trip is going well, shall I tell you about my day now?’ I’d do this at least once before going in more strongly.

Only you can tell if he’s just showing his true colours or he’s simply being a bit thoughtless. I hope it’s the latter and he takes note.

Doesn't sound great if you've only been together a few months.

Treating like a queen / love bombing are very common in this phase.

And my psychologist has a really good expression, which has escaped me, for describing of course it's great when it's great but when it isn't great is when you realise whether there is something worth pursuing.

I was with a guy like this for a while. We split up for other reasons but I never miss the dull self absorbed monologues!! I also took a while to realise that it was never going to go back to the phase when he was on his best behaviour and treating me like a queen at the beginning !!

I feel for you. I thought my sister had the perfect relationship with her husband. I found out recently that when she goes away with work (e.g. to South Africa) they no longer stay in touch by phone because he would be like your partner and it was so angry-making that now they just text! He would ask nothing at all about her or her work/day, and waffle on about the minutiae of relatives and neighbours - and he can talk for a long time! Your chap sounds the same.

Meh, you are far too patient. Luckily, my DH and I have found a good middle ground but had it with friends and acquaintances, as well as extended family/inlaws. I just cut them off and talk over them if they don't get the hint. My MIL chuckled the first time when she witnessed it and hugged me later when I firmly stopped BIL's repetitive monologues by briskly telling him the story was interesting the first couple of times round how about letting others talk. If and when he tries to continue to hog the conversation and being a boorish attention hogger I announce cheerfully that I will make him wait for a 'conversation stick' to hold if he doesn't stop monopolising the entire conversation. If you come to my house, you don't talk over everyone! BIL thought of himself of the patriarch of the family as DH's dad died quite a long time ago. I know some women do it too but I found it to be mainly men that think they can waffle on and everyone, especially us women will listen enraptured.

When he starts on about himself, go and make a cup of tea.

When your beverage is ready, pick up the phone and if he's still there, say "oh, you're still talking..." and put the phone down.

Life is too short.

I can't work out how to do a laughing emoji on MN but this definitely deserves one!

So, I’ve known a guy for around 5 years, I met him at work just as my marriage was ending and we kind of hit it off and realized there was massive chemistry and we started a ‘thing’.
He has always been on the avoidant side which suited me at first, but he would flake at plans at the last minute… I wasn’t to upset about in the beginning it as he was kind of in the background.. but his inconsistency and flakiness got increasingly worse. Last year I gave him an ultimatum, if this is never going to be anything serious then I need to move on. He did step up and things were getting much better until last night..
We went to one of our favourite bars, he started chatting to a woman at the bar. I had no idea of who she was and he didn’t introduce me. He turned his back on me, carried on chatting for another 20 minutes before I said, I’m going to go then. He absolutely lost it. Told me I was being ridiculous and jealous as she was a school friend he hadn’t seen for 20 years and I was out of order. I told him I was confused about who she was and why he was ignoring me. He then shouted at me and told me to F off. I left. I really want to message him to tell him what he did was completely unacceptable, i get the impression he felt he had done nothing wrong. I’m beyond angry…