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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if children made you see your partner differently??

31 replies

giraffepatter · 09/08/2022 22:18

NC because this alongside the other threads I'm on is outing...

DH and I have been together for 13 years, married for 9.

We've always had a good, supportive relationship. It's fair to say I've always been the driving force to get things done.

After lots of years and disappointment over the last couple of years we have finally had our children. I have struggled with PND and I think in some respect DH has too, both getting our own support individually for this.

Since having children we obviously have less time and energy... I am on maternity leave whilst DH works.

DH has a skill that could potentially earn him lots of money if he went out on his own... over the years he's always said it's something he wants to do, though has never made any steps toward making it happen. Since having the children I've really thought about how much better our lives might be if he were home more (currently he travels 2-3 hours a day for work which could be time spent at home!) but I'm seeing nothing from him to make it happen.

To be quite honest, I don't see much drive to do anything beyond his little routine. He gets home from work, plays with the young children, puts them to bed, plays his computer game, walks the dog and perhaps some TV then bed...

I think he lacks ambition, which isn't a character flaw, but I think I want more from life and from a partner.

Nothing is ever done, or any plans made unless I instigate and plan them. He's good at housework but will walk past 20 supermarkets before remembering we need a pint of milk. He has downtime (as he gets the train to work) and will spend this time watching films as opposed to anything practical....

Ah I am really droning on now. I'm just wondering if this is normal? Do relationships take a while to readjust after babies? Or have we outgrown each other?

OP posts:
Mally100 · 09/08/2022 22:20

How do you want him to be at home more when he has to travel to work 2-3 hours Confused. What more would you like him to do?

Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:24

Yea they do
Relationships marriages partnerships adjust when you have children
They are exhausting and push you far beyond tiredness than you ever imagined they would . Children also test your sanity so please try to build a partnership as parents as well as a couple

You just have to keep taking ans making sure you are both as committed to your children and no one of your half of the partnership is getting a shut deal taking in all the burden and responsibility of being the parent whilst the other swans around "helping" as it isn't help it is shared parenting partnership

Tiani4 · 09/08/2022 22:25

A *shit deal
Grin my phone doesn't want to "swear"

Cadot · 09/08/2022 22:25

If you've got small children and he's working very long hours he probably hasn't got much energy at the moment. He might also feel that it's not the time to be making risky moves to set out on his own rather than having a guaranteed income.

Original poster
giraffepatter · 09/08/2022 22:26

@Mally100 should say that that isn't each day. 1/1.5 hour and a half each way.

But this long working day impacts on me who is at home all day looking after the children, trying to run the home etc.

My issue is that he could change this if he decided to work closer to home or work for himself. He's self employed so doesn't have to work as far away as he does and isn't getting any of the security benefits you'd get from having a contract....

I guess I just want to see a bit more enthusiasm and drive to do more. He literally does not think beyond the next hour and with kids that's impossible to be like that and I find this places the burden onto me.

OP posts:
Original poster
giraffepatter · 09/08/2022 22:32

Thankyou @Tiani4 .... I think I do feel like I'm the parent and he's kind of getting the good end of the stick.

He comes home and it's all fun time Daddy for an hour or so, then bath and bed. I feel like the practical side of parenting (making sure they have clothes for their next growth spurt, ordering nappies, milk, booking weigh in apps, weaning, research) is all left to me.

OP posts:
Mally100 · 09/08/2022 23:45

Have you spoken to him about how you feel. It's easy to lose track in the throes of early parenthood. If you need him to step up more and take the mental load off you then a good discussion is needed.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 10/08/2022 00:04

It's a learning experience, probably the hardest thing you'll do as a team.

In the early days he infuriated me and sometimes needs a nudge back on track though he always takes on board whatever needs working on.

milkyaqua · 10/08/2022 02:43

I think he lacks ambition, which isn't a character flaw, but I think I want more from life and from a partner.

You might have noted this at some point in the last 13 years before deciding to marry and then breed with this man.

I feel sorry for him. Your discontent and boredom at home with the children is colouring your view of him, and it is unpleasant.

But this long working day impacts on me who is at home all day looking after the children, trying to run the home etc.

Seriously, the self-pity and resentment here. I fail to see how he is supposed to muster the energy to go out and be a highflyer whilst working and travelling for hours for work, and coming home to someone resentful and dissatisfied.

Anxiousanddramatic · 10/08/2022 02:53

All due respect
He goes to work every day
Travels for hours
Give the children attention and play time
Baths and puts them to bed
Walks the dog
Does housework

So what he forgets milk
Taking a big step in your career is not easy it's risky and would be even harder work and stress on him

He sounds like he's doing his best and so do you
Maybe you should bring it up in conversation
And find out if there is any reason why he hasn't made any steps

Having children definitely changes a relationship but try to keep focus on what is important.. your a team you do your part he does his but nobody is perfect
If there's something making you feel bad then communicate and fix it
Good luck to you

BlanquitaPerla · 10/08/2022 03:25

Another one who thinks things will remain the same after children. What MORE do you want from him. Of course things will change and they will never go back to how they were before because you're NOT those people anymore. You're Parent's now and you must navigate these waters together. There is no right or wrong way to do this but doing the things together will make you and him grow stronger. I'm really taken back by how easily you dismiss him and what he does for you all and even have the nerve to question if you've outgrown him. Some Women are too busy looking at all the wrong their Husband's do, and forget all the right he's trying to do...

toffeechai · 10/08/2022 03:58

Have you actually spoken to him?

Coyoacan · 10/08/2022 04:17

Your husband sounds lovely and I am normally the first person to say LTB. Whereas you sound about ready to get back to work. Staying at home with the kids is not for everyone. Find a good childminder or nursery and spend less time at home, you'll be a happier person and a better mother

RedWingBoots · 10/08/2022 04:27

My issue is that he could change this if he decided to work closer to home or work for himself. He's self employed so doesn't have to work as far away as he does and isn't getting any of the security benefits you'd get from having a contract....

You clearly don't know people who have built businesses. While they may physically be present as they have to ensure constant work they are initially always networking so he will be on the phone or answering messages at all hours. Then if he has to work with other people he will be out meeting people in person.

Then he would have more paperwork to do. And this is if he doesn't have any employees...

So while he would physically be around more, he would actually be less engaged.

Also why would he change jobs when you are on maternity leave ? It doesn't make financial sense to move now as the company he would move to won't know him so would be more inclined to get rid of him if anything went wrong. When you are back at work it may make sense for him to move roles.

PriOn1 · 10/08/2022 06:16

Be careful what you wish for. Starting his own business would be a huge financial risk at a time when stability is more important tham it’s ever been.

Likely if he did, he would be stressed, and additionally he won’t have any dedicated down time. He could potentially end up working longer hours and being less available.

If you’ve suffered with PND, I think it’s possible you’re looking for things that you feel might improve your life, but that you’re not being very realistic about what to expect at this stage. He’s probably tired from work and children and starting a new business is probably the last thing on his mind.

Is this something you could work through with whatever support it is you have for your PND? From what you’ve written here, your viewpoint doesn’t seem to justify the change in feelings towards him, but if there are other threads, perhaps there’s other stuff going on in the background that you haven’t mentioned here.

MeenzAmRhoi · 10/08/2022 06:23

Gently, op, I think it's time for you to work out what's making you unhappy. From your post, I see nothing wrong with your husband and I think you're being harsh.

Are you needing more time to yourself? Do you want to go back to work?

DangerouslyBored · 10/08/2022 07:16

Train commuting isn’t ‘downtime’. Commuting is a relentless slog.

Original poster
giraffepatter · 10/08/2022 08:49

@DangerouslyBored DH travels by train by choice because he enjoys it- could easily drive but likes to be able to watch things on his phone...

Anyway,

I think maybe I'm getting myself worked up. This cost of living stuff is a massive strain and I just want a solution to make it more bearable, but I guess this is turning me into a nag and a bit of a martyr.

Thanks for replies

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 10/08/2022 08:59

DH travels by train by choice because he enjoys it- could easily drive but likes to be able to watch things on his phone..

I did a role where I sometimes had a choice of traveling by train or driving. If I drove I was more tired.

Some of the women I did part of my commute with preferred taking the train for the same reason - it was less tiring.

We all had children in my case a baby.

Annaritanna · 10/08/2022 09:11

I think it is time you go back to work. Life at home is not for everyone and it is making you resentful.
Your DH sounds lovely. Your unhappiness is casting the wrong shade on your life.

Commute time is not downtime.

TedMullins · 10/08/2022 09:26

Agree with others it sounds like getting back to work would be good for you. Perhaps you could look in future to both work part time and have equal amounts of time with the children. What are you doing that’s ambitious and will make your lives better?

doobydoobydooooo · 10/08/2022 09:33

It sounds like his life hasn't changed much after children and yours has. He hasn't really noticed how much yours has changed or tried to adapt his at all. You're not wrong to be annoyed if all the mental load is falling on you.

And sitting on a train watching movies is hardly a hard slog!

Original poster
giraffepatter · 10/08/2022 10:22

@doobydoobydooooo I think you've probably summarised it very accurately. I do feel a lot of the mental load and sometimes wish that at the end of the evening I could just switch off the way he does (my fault not his)

Equally his routine hasn't changed much and him being out of the house long hours has much more of an impact when I'm here with two babies, usually alone.

In answer to the question about my ambition, I have a good job to return to which pays well and I enjoy. I hope to progress my career and could potentially earn a lot of money, but do worry how this will coincide with having small children, and there's a part of me who would just like to be around for them.

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 10/08/2022 10:31

Only someone who doesn’t commute would see the time on the train as downtime.

i think you’re own boredom, PND, view of your own world is really colouring how you feel about him. He sounds hardworking and does a share around the house. I think you need to talk to him about all this before the resentment on your part builds up.

cheninblanc · 10/08/2022 10:33

I wouldn't call a train journey downtime! I can't believe you think that tbh

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