To ask if children made you see your partner differently??

[giraffepatter]

NC because this alongside the other threads I'm on is outing...

DH and I have been together for 13 years, married for 9.

We've always had a good, supportive relationship. It's fair to say I've always been the driving force to get things done.

After lots of years and disappointment over the last couple of years we have finally had our children. I have struggled with PND and I think in some respect DH has too, both getting our own support individually for this.

Since having children we obviously have less time and energy... I am on maternity leave whilst DH works.

DH has a skill that could potentially earn him lots of money if he went out on his own... over the years he's always said it's something he wants to do, though has never made any steps toward making it happen. Since having the children I've really thought about how much better our lives might be if he were home more (currently he travels 2-3 hours a day for work which could be time spent at home!) but I'm seeing nothing from him to make it happen.

To be quite honest, I don't see much drive to do anything beyond his little routine. He gets home from work, plays with the young children, puts them to bed, plays his computer game, walks the dog and perhaps some TV then bed...

I think he lacks ambition, which isn't a character flaw, but I think I want more from life and from a partner.

Nothing is ever done, or any plans made unless I instigate and plan them. He's good at housework but will walk past 20 supermarkets before remembering we need a pint of milk. He has downtime (as he gets the train to work) and will spend this time watching films as opposed to anything practical....

Ah I am really droning on now. I'm just wondering if this is normal? Do relationships take a while to readjust after babies? Or have we outgrown each other?

I have commuted for years before maternity leave, and yes it's not ideal. But sitting on one train, twice a day, for an hour with wifi and a pair of headphones isn't exactly a mad commute. I used to see it as a bit of downtime, a chance to decompress after a busy day, listen to a podcast/audiobook...

It is what it is I guess.

Depends on the train I think. Crammed in nose to armpit in the middle of London, perhaps not. Sitting comfortably on a less busy line, probably.

I consider my drive to work downtime and I enjoy it. Peaceful, sitting down, no kids or anyone expecting anything of me and I can just listen to a podcast and be me.

Seriously, the self-pity and resentment here. I fail to see how he is supposed to muster the energy to go out and be a highflyer whilst working and travelling for hours for work, and coming home to someone resentful and dissatisfied.

This, with big brass knobs on !.

Honestly?

Ride this out. You'll be much much better when you're back at work.

How long until you go back and can you bring the date forward?

Speak to him prior to returning to ensure mental load is fair so that he has specific responsibilities. For example, you take turns to take the kids to medical appointments.

You're finding it boring and frustrating being at home all day with small kids - a feeling shared by many many parents!

Are you taking this frustration out on him?

Seriously just get back to work. You'll find things easier!

" I used to see it as a bit of downtime, a chance to decompress after a busy day, listen to a podcast/audiobook..."

But your husband should only see it as a chance to do something productive as you don't approve of him using it to decompress and use his phone?

Sounds like you would resent him no matter what - why would he try and stick his neck out and change his way of earning a living during a huge cost of living crisis and a time of great uncertainty? You want him to have ambition and drive - now is not the time with two DC and you at home to be making huge changes like that IMO.