to have not realised I’m gay until 40 and now trapped?

IdiotbutNOTabroad · 2022-08-09T13:04:37+00:00

As the title says really Ive fallen head over heels for my best friend. She is divorced but has always been straight. Im happily married, or so I thought but have always been straight. I have a lovely husband and 2 children - I can’t destroy them but feel very very sick about what life will look like without her. Weve cut off contact because it’s all too painful. anyone else been here??

Essexgalttc · 09/08/2022 14:24

You’re not trapped
Does your husband have any idea how you are feeling?
I’d be hurt if DH fell for one of his mates and didn’t tell me

Also, OP you cannot help how you feel

Original poster

IdiotbutNOTabroad · 09/08/2022 14:37

Yes he does
He was devastated.
I love him, I don’t understand how this could happen.

OP posts:

ShinyMe · 09/08/2022 16:02

It does happen OP, and far more often than you'd think these days, judging by the discussions I've found online since I came out.
There was a thread here only a couple of days ago from someone in a very similar position.

There are some good reddit groups, look for latebloomerlesbians and have a read.

tomatounicorn · 09/08/2022 16:07

Life's short OP. Do you think you're gay or bi? If you're gay I would reconsider being in a straight relationship but if you're bi I would stay with your DP.

BattenburgDonkey · 09/08/2022 16:10

have you told your friend? How does she feel?

KalaniM · 09/08/2022 16:12

must you lose your best friend? Was that the best decision, really? It kind of turns this turn of events into a trauma.
whereas actually you’ve realised you are bisexual or gay, which needn’t be a trauma.
are any of you open to polyamory?

GreenManalishi · 09/08/2022 16:25

This happens, you're not the first and you won't be the last, give yourself a break! You're not trapped, any more than anyone else that's married is trapped because their past self made a decision based on how they felt at the time.

Don't panic! You're a human!

user58486267489 · 09/08/2022 16:49

I don’t understand. Having feelings for anyone else when you’re married isn’t ok. Knocking things on the head straight away if you do have feelings for someone else is surely the right thing to do? Because you’re married - you have committed to your husband. And your children!

imagine the comments of it was your husband who had “fallen” for one of his friends.

this sounds harsh. But come on… physical or emotional affairs are not ok, whatever the circumstances.

Oblomov22 · 09/08/2022 16:55

None of this makes sense. Your best friend isn't even gay! If you are tell your Dh, split and then you can find yourself a new female partner.

NumberTheory · 09/08/2022 17:01

I don’t know how knew this is for you, so you may have already done this, but I think you should take a step back.

Sudden infatuation in mid-life is pretty classic and not necessarily permanent. I’m not saying your attraction to someone of the same sex is a phase you’ll get over. You’ve probably had the capacity all your life and not realised it. I’m saying falling for any person at your current stage of life could “just” be a mid-life crisis and some counseling, individual and couples, might help you find your feet again and make decisions that set you up for a sound future (whether that be sticking with your marriage or separating and pursuing other men and women.

midgetastic · 09/08/2022 17:03

The gay /straight thing is irrelevant

It's no different really to falling for another guy

TheKeatingFive · 09/08/2022 17:04

Are you sexually attracted to you DH? If so that would make you bi not gay.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2022 17:08

tomatounicorn · 09/08/2022 16:07

Life's short OP. Do you think you're gay or bi? If you're gay I would reconsider being in a straight relationship but if you're bi I would stay with your DP.

She's fallen for someone else! It's not spin the bottle, sexuality edition!

catandcoffee · 09/08/2022 17:11

midgetastic · 09/08/2022 17:03

The gay /straight thing is irrelevant

It's no different really to falling for another guy

100 % agree.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 17:17

tomatounicorn · 09/08/2022 16:07

Life's short OP. Do you think you're gay or bi? If you're gay I would reconsider being in a straight relationship but if you're bi I would stay with your DP.

Blimey. How unpleasantly shallow & transactional.

You'd make your decision PURELY on which sex of avaiable partner you reckon you fancy more? Nothing about their character, history with you, or lovability - just whichever one you feel like fucking today?

If OP were straight, would you tell her to stay with her DP just because their orientations align?

drpet49 · 09/08/2022 17:46

“imagine the comments of it was your husband who had “fallen” for one of his friends.”

^This

Sunnyqueen · 09/08/2022 17:51

I think if you've actually fallen in love with someone else regardless of gender it's probably time for at least separation. It's not really fair on your DH. I do appreciate it's a massive thing to do though and certainly not as easy for you to do as it is for me to say it.

Vikinga · 09/08/2022 17:52

She is straight so that's not going to happen, is it?

How long has she been your friend?

How is your relationship?

Original poster

IdiotbutNOTabroad · 09/08/2022 17:55

Sorry I need to add more so this makes sense
My best friend feels the same - she told me she was in love with me after I had spent a year ignoring my feelings completely and trying to avoid her / meet in group situations so it didn’t feel so intense.
Once she told me how she felt, I had to tell DH and he rightly told me contact had to stop as I was honest about also having feelings for her.
I love him - I wouldn’t say massively physically attracted no but it’s always been that way since we met 21 years ago.
Once a week and not much spontaneous in any sense and that’s been both of us.

OP posts:

user58486267489 · 09/08/2022 18:02

OP, I'd take this to therapy with you husband. If I was you I'd also stay with him and work things out - prioritising each other.

I think it's quite normal to have fierce crushes in life, but that's not normally the reality. the reality is choosing to love someone day in, day out. Building a family life together and prioritising your partner and children.

I don't think a crush/one off person makes you gay AT ALL.

qpmz · 09/08/2022 18:27

user58486267489 · 09/08/2022 16:49

I don’t understand. Having feelings for anyone else when you’re married isn’t ok. Knocking things on the head straight away if you do have feelings for someone else is surely the right thing to do? Because you’re married - you have committed to your husband. And your children!

imagine the comments of it was your husband who had “fallen” for one of his friends.

this sounds harsh. But come on… physical or emotional affairs are not ok, whatever the circumstances.

Feelings can't be helped. Acting on them can. Don't have a go when she hasn't done anything! Unless you're in a bubble of a perfect relationship.

user58486267489 · 09/08/2022 18:32

@qpmz I'm not having a go. The OP had feelings, distanced herself etc. All good. But "feelings can't be helped" isn't really any excuse for affairs (physical or emotional). No such thing as a perfect relationship and I wish the OP all the best. She says her husband is lovely - I think that lovely husband is worth focussing on and making the effort to make it work again. That's all.

I'm not saying the OP is doing this AT ALL, but sometimes people start relationships with someone of the same sex and it's excused because "they're now, obviously, gay..." I don't think it's any different to an affair with another man really.

This sort of thing does touch a nerve because there is so much pressure to "discover" your true sexual identity and I think once you are married with children the focus always has to be on the partner you are actually with.

KalaniM · 09/08/2022 20:41

Well, yes, in answer to your question of ‘ has anyone else been here’, yes, I have. In that I’ve been in love with someone I couldn’t pursue a relationship with. And had to get on with life without them. I’m not sure I did it brilliantly. Large glass of red wine at 6pm. Lots of diary writing. Pretending to be in contact psychically, to send love. Missing them lots. There’s a saying Time Heals All. It kind of does.

Whitehorsegirl · 09/08/2022 21:12

I think you need to take a deep breath and not panic.

There are several issues there:

you are attracted to your friend and she feels the same.
you are not really attracted physically to your husband, and have never really been attracted to him that way, although you love him as a person. I think that's a big clue ...

I am sorry OP but it sounds like you have been ignoring your true sexual orientation for decades.

You can't pretend to be something you are not and just resume your life continuing to pretend you are straight just for the sake of appearances and because you don't want to upset everyone.

Of course you can't pursue a relationship with this woman while you are still married but you also need to be honest with yourself and with your partner.

If you only have a friendship with your husband at this stage, you both need to accept this is not working.

Personally I could not continue to be married to a man who had admitted to me that he did not fancy me, had never really fancied me and had just fallen for a male friend. There are things you can't just put back in a box once they are out and pretend that nothing has changed...

Tooshytoshine · 09/08/2022 21:34

I have developed crushes on other women whilst married to my wife. I think she has too, through little clues such a talking about them more, hearing them chat on the phone etc. We are human and like the thrill of feeling interesting and attractive to somebody new. I have never understood the thought crime view of cheating - our internal lives are our own and shouldn't be policed by a jealous partner.

However, this sounds like something with more intent that by telling you your friend has made it more tangible and something that exists in the real world. It has been named and is quite clearly an emotional affair. If you want your marriage to work then you need to cut contact with her.

I have never been a tempted to cheat or covet a new life. If this woman didn't exist would you still feel trapped by your husband or would your relationship feel safe and reassuring, built on years of trust and partnership? Would you still consider leaving him?

Take your friend out of the equation, as when we are smitten we idealise others. We fill in the gaps of our knowledge of them with perfection - she may fart in bed and be a terrible kisser. Do you want to leave your husband and be single?