Like someone else said… You’re not the first and you won’t be the last. I was lucky, in that I didn’t marry the man I was with because I realised in my 20s.
I asked the same thing as you… how can this happen? I loved him. Ten years later I still love him. He was my soulmate and one of the kindest, funniest, most intelligent men I know. He was attractive- I always knew that, even though I later acknowledged (with horror) that I had never fancied him. I knew no different, I didn’t realise anything was missing. Until I experienced it.
I was part of a group of friends, we’d all met our partners at uni and all of us were heading towards marriage and kids.
I told him. We were both devastated. Our seemingly perfect relationship ended and my life began.
He is now with an amazing woman, who fancies him and they have two kids.
I’m married to a woman and we have a son.
Nobody is pretending or in denial or in the dark.
We all go to each other’s houses for dinner, with the kids. He’s a good friend and that is how it should always have been.
Like I said, I still love him- the way I always did. As a friend.
That may be baffling to some, but I didn’t know. And probably didn’t want to know. Because it was an inconvenient truth and unconsciously I didn’t want it to be true. Because at that time, it would have meant I couldn’t get married, couldn’t have kids… I’d be a second class citizen.
When it started to dawn on me, it took a long time for me to have any degree or certainty or clarity about it. Because I couldn’t believe that I had been in a relationship for so many years, with such an amazing man, who I lived with and very much loved… yet this whole time I was a lesbian?! It didn’t add up.
So, in part, I understand your predicament.
Some people are saying that falling for your female friend is just the same as falling for another man.
If you are straight or bisexual then, yes. It’s the same.
An affair is an affair no matter who you are or who you fancy or who you’re with.
But that isn’t the issue is it? You haven’t had an affair. You’ve nipped it in the bud and told him the truth and cut all contact.
The issue is whether you have realised you are gay and therefore, regardless of your female friend… can/ should a lesbian stay in a straight marriage with a man?
What would that mean for your husband? What would it mean for you? For your children?
Of course, some people don’t feel strongly about labels. Sexuality can be fluid.
But for others, they are very straight or very gay.
I bet there are plenty of women who identify as straight… who are not interested and will never be interested in having sex with other women. I wouldn’t insist on telling her it’s just a label and she could easily be sexually attracted to other women.
And gay men who are repulsed by the idea or having sex with a woman. I can’t imagine anyone advocating for a gay man to be in a straight marriage.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Your decisions needs to be based on the truth. You need to get to the bottom of how you feel.
It’s not your fault but it is your responsibility.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
I remember being overcome with grief and guilt. Wondering how the simple concept of ‘being myself’ could cause so much pain and distress to the people I love.
Try reading some of the resources people have posted about. Try therapy. And be honest with your husband.
I couldn’t have stayed.
I hope you find the strength and support to do whatever is right. Not necessarily what is easy.