Boundaries/consequences for older teens?

[Eselch]

Just wondering if AIBU to want to put some consequences in place for this stuff.

DH and I have 4 DC between us - 19,17,16&15. They live with us FT.

There are a number of small issues that are starting to cause resentment.

We have a tiny bin for rubbish so have to recycle - but DC will put it in the rubbish rather then rinse and recycle it. I end up sorting it.

crockery and cutlery is dumped in the sink rather than put in the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full of clean pots, rather than put it away, they ignore it and dump their stuff in the sink.

they don’t clean the kitchen after they’ve made food.

I’ve asked them to let me know if we run out of something so I can replace it (I go shopping every 2 days) - but multiple times I go to cook with something and it’s all gone.

Empty packets are frequently just left in the fridge or cupboard.

DC have taken all 20 Tupperware boxes to work and not bothered bringing them home so I have nowhere to store leftovers from last night.

when they do their washing they just leave it for someone else to fold, and leave pocket crap on the side for days on end until someone else moves it.

they expect lifts everywhere, but never say please or thank you.

I KNOW it’s minor. But it’s four of them, and it’s constant, multiple times a day. Its always me that solves it. I tidy up after everyone, and have to go to the shop to replace stuff. They are good kids. But this stuff is SO annoying and inconsiderate and it’s really starting to grate on me.

YABU - that’s just life with teenagers
YANBU - they’re capable of sorting all of the above themselves

I think they sound very normal ie self absorbed 😂

Not to suggest it is acceptable or that you should put up with it.

But good luck if you can find a way.
some parents do punishment, some do rewards. Whatever you do you need to be consistent for it to work.

My parents raised us to be very independent and we knew that if we wanted something we had to do it ourselves. I’m not sure how they did it though 🤔 I haven’t achieved it.

What about a parenting teens course? Might be something online?

You ask if this is normal for teenagers or whether they can do this stuff for themselves - but actually the answer to both those questions is 'yes'.

Teenagers are absolutely capable of putting things in the dishwasher etc but they are also often incredibly lazy and a bit on the selfish side, so they don't. When I was a teenager I was definitely capable of bringing down the umpteen cups, plates, glasses, spoons from my bedroom, but did I actually do it? I did not, because I was, like many teenagers, a bit of a twat in that respect. I've no idea why. But I was.

Stop doing it yourself, call them into the kitchen, they have to sort through the bin to find the recycling. Send them to the shops to buy items they have eaten. Get them to unload the dishwasher. If you keep picking up after them they will keep doing it.

Have a sit down family meeting with all of them and lay it out. Selfishness will not be tolerated. We had a washing up rota in our house when I was 9.

Sit them all down and tell them this is no longer acceptable. They pull their weight or they don't get lifts, money to go out etc.

What does the 19 year old do? If they are working full time tell them to get their act together or go and a rent a room somewhere else.

I also find it quite difficult to enforce proper consequences now they're a bit older. It feels ridiculous taking their phones away like I did when they were younger. Watching with interest.

I have to say that mine will do things when I ask them, they just don't think of it on their own. One is particularly bad with dirty clothes, but he will collect them up, bring them downstairs and put a wash on when I remind him. But then I also have to remind him to hang them out, put them away....

A parenting teens course @BlueWhaleBay sounds brilliant. It is so, SO difficult to know when to give them some space to indulge their brattishness (ie if she’s just done 2 solid hours of revision do I ask her to clear the washing even though that’s her chore) and when to be firm (I once changed the Wi-Fi password until everything - EVERYTHING - was in it’s right place).
This is why Mumsnet is so great - we can go into individual contexts and get our heads wobbled.
Sorry, OP - no practical help whatsoever. I think I’m on the PPs’ sides who say you need to lay down some rules with very clear consequences. But maybe individually. A brood of 4 teenagers. That’ll take some thinking and then resolute application of what you decide. Could I be any more vague? Sorry!

The 19 YO works full time - 16&17YO are at college with part time jobs. (They get lifts from us to their jobs, of course!)

@User280905 youve hit the nail on the head - we can’t remove wifi, or games consoles, or ground them - they’re either adults, or nearly adults anyway! So “punishing” them feels wrong.

DH has so far chosen to ignore it because he got to the point where he was about to blow his top over it all and instead has chosen to step back so he doesn’t hit the roof completely. But I think sitting down and outlining expectations and making them tidy up after themselves is probably the way forward.

I may have slightly chucked the teddies out the pram this morning though when DS19 asked me to buy him toiletries at the shop and I told him I wouldn’t be helping him when he didn’t even have the courtesy to apologise for leaving all my Tupperware at work

And I fully understand that teenagers can be selfish twats 😂 I was one too. But they are generally good kids. DH thinks we’re lucky if this is all we have to deal with -aside from a couple of alcohol party related blips, they don’t really cause us any trouble. No drugs, smoking, sneaking out, attitude problems, bad friends, etc. so at least there’s that!

It’s just SO FREQUENT. And so frustrating!!

I agree with PP that it is typical teenage behaviour. I personally think consequences don’t necessarily work with later teens, but sit them down, reinforce the house rules and call them to empty the dishwasher when it needs doing, only works if they are at home of course! Mine would use every glass in the house rather than reuse one for drinks, it used to drive me batty. Mine would do jobs when asked and would take turns for the dishwasher. For the Tupperware, text when they are in work and ask them to retrieve them there and then ready to bring home and to confirm back to you when done, or ask them to replace from the supermarket. Put the responsibility back onto them.

I’d wait until you need a food shop, make a helluva mess in the kitchen and leave it and then go out for the day, possibly book into a travel lodge or just get yourself a McDonald’s and eat out for a few days and see how long it takes for them to crack.

Agree it's really tough.

I sometimes find that asking them to come up with a solution is helpful – explain what's happening, why it can't continue, and get them to suggest systems and approaches that will work.

Having the ideas come from them sort of pre-loads the responsibility being theirs, rather than them kicking back against you telling them 'how it's going to be'.

Stop tidying up after them

Stop giving them lifts

Stop giving them money

The only thing which solved the dishwasher unloading problem in our house was me writing their names on the calender so 1 child does it each day.
Shopping list - Alexa brilliant for this. Kids just shout at her to replace stuff.
I still threaten to remove phones with my lot purely because I still pay for them. (ok so they're 17 and 2x13 so a little bit different)
I've been known to drive round the village to collect my darlings (well the twins anyway) to bring them home to tidy up after themselves.
You have to be consistent hard and a team with your DH.
Without him on side you'll struggle.

Could you frame it as "actually I didn't have time to do your laundry today because I had to do do X that you hadn't done"? Point out the consequence of their laziness and let them see that if they pull their weight, you will all benefit

This OP.

Surely this is the other side of 'treating them as adults'.
Stop doing things for them.

No lifts until they pull their weight, they do their own tidying and folding, they will very quickly get the message, your are too soft, time to change.

Warn them. If continues I totally would change wi fi password or lock them out. If cant treat home with respect you dont get the things that go with it.
I'd also go for kitchen cleaning rota so one teen does it a day, plus day dh and day yourself.

I'd also allocated hoovering and bathroom cleaning on rota.
Mine are younger but it's amazing how much tidied they have become when they have ti clean

Natural and give and take consequences is the way to go with older teens.

Don't do your washing = no clean clothes
Don't tidy up after you have made something = no lifts for one day.
Take it turns to empty dishwasher
Don't tell me when we have run out of something = I'm not cooking tomorrow and will get myself a takeaway
Put rubbish in the wrong place = it will end up hung from your bedroom door in a bag.

The trouble is you might have left it a bit late OP. By that age they should already be doing things having been taught to at an earlier age.

Bin all the shit they leave out on the sides from washing. Disposable plates/cups/cutlery only to be used. Collect a tenner each off them to replace the tupperware.
Definitely stop them giving them to lifts to work! (who does this??)
Stop cleaning up after them in the kitchen, block the WiFi till its done each evening.
But yanbu it does all sound fairly typical and mundane but that doesn't mean it wouldn't drive you a bit mad.

We only have one so it’s easy to know who the perpetrator is. She gets called to correct the problem when it is found.

if you don’t know the culprit, I would use a rotating system for correction, but I would stop cleaning up after them.

also, you can do things like take away wi-fi and consoles, especially for the non-working ones.

The 19 yo is trickier, but there it’s either understand that living at home like an adult requires acting like an adult or being treated like a child. The 19yo is working and has the option to move out and be a slob.

It's not about teaching them - that's a one-off thing.

It's about reinforcing the right habits throughout their teen years and beyond, which is a non-stop never ending thing (at least in my experience so far).

OP, I don't tell mine to do things, but I do periodically remind them (sometimes quite tearfully if I'm really exhausted) that they're effectively assuming I'm their servant and will do all this stuff for them, and I point out how exhausting and hurtful it is.

Mine are pretty good about things like emptying the dishwasher, taking out rubbish, washing up after dinner, etc. But they also still leave crap everywhere, and the house can be a mess and get me down, and at times like that I remind myself that they are teens and a bit shit and I still love them.

It's hard.

I think yours are on the selfish side, and do need to improve their ways somewhat.

It's sole destroyingly boring I know. Get 4 big blue ikea bags, if you take laundry out the machine it goes in their bag (unfolded or sorted in anyway). Any pocket jazz left lying around get chucked in too. Bag goes to their room for them to deal with. If you want to go to the extreme and can tell who's plates in the sink, Chuck them in a bag in their room for them to deal with too.

OP what happens if you ask one of your kids to empty the dishwasher or wash up everything in the sink?

Natural consequences.

So "well I was going to cook X but someone didn't tell me we are out if Y. So if whoever it was or any of you pop to the shop and buy it then I can make dinner".

Same with making dinner.

"I can't make dinner because a b and c are all over the side and all the dishes are in the sink dirty. So when you tidy up after yourselves I can start".

I think motivation is the key at this age. Make the, see what they can't have because they haven't done x y and z.

My teens are a mixed bag , helpful with some things, hopeless at other and need (sometimes strong) reminders. But at the end of the day I am quite happy to say to them that if they act like a 5 year old then they will still be treated as children, which can mean consequences. If they want to be treated as near adults then they should be behaving as such.