Boundaries/consequences for older teens?

[Eselch]

Just wondering if AIBU to want to put some consequences in place for this stuff.

DH and I have 4 DC between us - 19,17,16&15. They live with us FT.

There are a number of small issues that are starting to cause resentment.

We have a tiny bin for rubbish so have to recycle - but DC will put it in the rubbish rather then rinse and recycle it. I end up sorting it.

crockery and cutlery is dumped in the sink rather than put in the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full of clean pots, rather than put it away, they ignore it and dump their stuff in the sink.

they don’t clean the kitchen after they’ve made food.

I’ve asked them to let me know if we run out of something so I can replace it (I go shopping every 2 days) - but multiple times I go to cook with something and it’s all gone.

Empty packets are frequently just left in the fridge or cupboard.

DC have taken all 20 Tupperware boxes to work and not bothered bringing them home so I have nowhere to store leftovers from last night.

when they do their washing they just leave it for someone else to fold, and leave pocket crap on the side for days on end until someone else moves it.

they expect lifts everywhere, but never say please or thank you.

I KNOW it’s minor. But it’s four of them, and it’s constant, multiple times a day. Its always me that solves it. I tidy up after everyone, and have to go to the shop to replace stuff. They are good kids. But this stuff is SO annoying and inconsiderate and it’s really starting to grate on me.

YABU - that’s just life with teenagers
YANBU - they’re capable of sorting all of the above themselves

I just text mine.

Kitchen..

Kitchen.....

KITCHEN.....

until they do it. To be fair it doesn't take more than 3 times, quicker if they want something.

Call them back. Every time. Even just for one mug.

Never do it for them.

I work in a supported living environment for 13 adults with learning disabilities - they live in a house together, not separate flats and share a kitchen and laundry room and also share bathrooms (though there are obviously multiple bathrooms they don't all have ensuite) so its very like parenting teens because they can't do exactly what they want due to the fellow residents sharing communal areas and common possessions like crockery, cooking and eating together etc.

I also have 3 teens at home.

The same tactics mostly work, but its a lot easier if you start earlier of course.

Don't fold their laundry - remind in a neutral voice but leave it. They might end up rewashing it a few times but they'll twig eventually.

It's hard to leave things lying but do.

Don't rush to replace things which run out unless they're on the list - but do have a communal shopping list (an app is a good idea).

Draw up a cooking rota if you think that'll work or just cook with what's in even if meals are odd or boring.

Call them to put their things in the dish washer no matter what they're doing. If they actually refuse you could put the dirty dishes in their room if that won't inconvenience you more than you are willing to cope with.

Good luck. Grey rock is your best strategy - neutral voice, remind, repeat, remind, repeat...

Thanks all, it’s all very helpful.

Unfortunately we can’t change the wifi code or block the wifi as it causes chaos on our security system so that’s out. We tried it before and it was a nightmare. A

We also gave up on eating dinner as a family a year ago as I was sick of fussy eaters and people whinging they wanted to eat at different times so now 80% of the time they eat their own, or grab leftovers after me and DH have eaten, so I can’t threaten that either!

I do tell them to tidy up their mess if they are here - but, like most teenagers, they treat the place like a hotel. So they’ll make a mess first thing in the morning, clear off to work or school and then see their mates/boyfriends/girlfriends and not reappear at home until at least 9pm. I WFH so it’s me that has to look at it and deal with it every day!

To be clear though they do have boundaries in place and expectations/chores - they do their own washing, ironing, bedding, tidying of bedrooms etc. and there’s a rota for feeding and walking the dogs. This often gets ignored when they decide to go out with their mates though.

And the other problem is if we stop giving lifts, they would either go to their grandparents who would take them at the drop of a hat with no thought to how that would be undermining our parenting, or lose their jobs which would make them even worse!

DH has suggested sitting down with them and reiterating house rules and giving them all a list of basic expectations, which I hope will work. And to outline consequences - no more lifts or pocket money if they don’t follow house rules. But I’ll also ask them why they’re struggling to do various things and ask them to come up with their own solutions - that’s a great idea.

it's really tricky. often on MN people suggest that if one's teens do anything less than muck in cheerfully without being asked then you have raised selfish ingrates who are an embodiment of one's parenting failures. But teens do developmentally become quite inward looking and very absorbed in their own worlds though - friendship group issues, school/college work, personal crises seem to take over their headspace.

I reinforce the boundaries and expectations repeatedly, even if I don't enforce "consequences". They roll their eyes and act like I'm being a drama queen at even a gentle rebuke, and I remind them again that it is their inability to follow basic instructions that gets us to this point. They then do the thing (they are not awful people), and 2-3 days later we start the cycle again .

DH has suggested sitting down with them and reiterating house rules and giving them all a list of basic expectations, which I hope will work. And to outline consequences - no more lifts or pocket money if they don’t follow house rules. But I’ll also ask them why they’re struggling to do various things and ask them to come up with their own solutions - that’s a great idea.

This sounds really good.

I'd also them that leaving things for you to do makes you tired, disappointed, frustrated, etc, and is just unfair. It's good for them to appreciate that things they do (or don't do) affect the people they live with. I think they tend to forget that.

I'm sure they will still do things that drive you crazy, but it sounds like they're basically good kids who need some reminders that there's a lot you're doing for them, and they're somewhat taking you for granted.

Learning to say thank you when someone gives you a lift is an invaluable life skill and one they should definitely practise.

My oldest is 21 and it's quite funny watching her get frustrated with the 19 and 17 year olds because they leave the bathroom a mess, etc. It's nice that she's now on our side.

Start with this tonight: no one is getting lifts to work from Monday if every single Tupperware box is not back here, properly washed and dried by Friday, or replaced if lost. And stick to it. Make them jointly responsible- they should be used to that from school days.

I have ones who keep plates etc upstairs - they have to go back up and bring them down before we eat in the evening.

Oh yes I have one of these too - she half filled the dishwasher with crap from her room this morning!

Honestly at those ages I wouldn’t be thinking in terms of punishment at all other than them experiencing the direct consequences of their own actions ( eg if they don’t fold their clothes, they have crumpled clothes, if they don’t throw a packet away you don’t know to replace it etc).

I think part of it (IME) is less that they’re lazy and more that they simply don’t make the necessary mental leap (eg from seeing the dishwasher is full of clean dishes to thinking “I’ll empty it”) and there’s a developmental aspect to that. So it’s a boring question of reminding them and (and this can work wonders) really thanking them when they do get it right. Even if it’s just putting something away which they obviously should do anyway, it’s worth pointing out that you noticed and appreciated it. I even thank mine for thanking me sometimes 😂

1.You shouldn't be doing any of their washing;they are all old enough to do it themselves.

2.Ditto for their bedsheets.

3.Thé ones who have lost all the Tupperware pay to replace it and will continue to do so until they learn not to be lazy;makes me wonder if they are binning the empty tubs at work.

4.A chore rota needs to be come up with

5.Your DH needs to stay burying his head in the sand.