I’m having my 3rd and final baby in a few months. I’ve had 2 previous postpartum periods that neither of went the way I wanted them.
Background: Pre-babies, PIL never overly interested in me, I thought we had a good relationship. Saw them for maybe a few hours every 3 to 4 months, suited me just fine. hey live a 2.5-3hr drive away, my mum lives 10 mins away and watches the kids one day week as we both work.
PP1:
DS1 born, inlaws went from pretty disinterested in us to overbearing insanity overnight. I had 6 of them show up in the hospital the morning after my csection, I was in agony, I’d hemorrhaged,on morphine etc etc. The night I got discharged from hospital after my csection, 3 days pp, they rocked up with my DHs BIL x2 + girlfriends (who I'd met twice), an aunt & uncle who all slept in our house on couches and floors for the next couple of weeks on rotation until I lost it and got DH to tell them to leave, I barely got near my newborn in this time. It was awful and they were back again in a week for more visits. All I wanted was my mum to look after me and make me soup but she couldn’t get near me because we were overrun, literally no more seats to sit on in the house etc. I saw my mum for less than an hour in total those first few early weeks. I’m very bitter about this.
PIL started inviting themselves to stay in our home for between 3-5 days every 3-4 weeks minimum & often would bring extra people we didn't know were coming. They would spend these visits ordering us around, taking over my baby as if they were the parents, undermining me, ignoring what I told them about baby and doing what they wanted anyway, treating us like kids (we are in our 30s and very independent). I was very overwhelmed with all the additional cooking, food shopping, cleaning and laundry that these visits caused.
PP2: June 2020 – peak lockdown.
The first lockdown started to lift 3 weeks after DS2 was born (3 glorious weeks of just our little family). Six of them came to visit for the day and stayed for 7 hours. I was struggling with a reflux baby, getting maybe 2/3 hours broken sleep a night, had an infection in my wound and was on 2 sets of antibiotics and various painkillers. I can’t say I enjoyed one minute of their visit.
3 weeks later, when I am 6 weeks pp, lockdown starts to lift again. I’m still in a bad way and babys reflux has gotten worse. They say they want to come and take their campervan to visit and stay with us (they wanted to sleep in the driveway but I said no and made them book a caravan park, only 5 mins away). I tell them that the most we can do is a weekend, Friday to Sunday (because mentally, emotionally and physically that is all I can cope with), MIL says ‘No we are coming for 2 weeks’. During those 15 days of their lovely holiday they did not lift one finger to help. They didn’t even ask if I needed help, they sat around drinking tea for 12 hours straight in my house. Not one load of laundry done, no quick whip round with the hoover, no meals made for us, absolutely nothing. All they did was order me about, tell me rather than ask me their plans with toddler, repeatedly tell me to go out (go walk the dog, go to tesco, go out) and leave my kids with them, hold newborn and not give him back (don’t worry I grew balls after my first son and had no issues just snatching him off her). Think of all the usual overbearing crap and they have done it.
I remember going out with my newborn one day because I couldn’t face them and I ended up sitting in the car with him for hours and hours in a carpark because I just could not face going back and having to speak to them. They literally decided to take a 2 week holiday at a postpartum womans house against her wishes, I mean, wtf?!
So now my question, PP3 coming up. AIBU in telling them to GTF out of my postpartum period this time round? I think I could maybe cope with them for a 1 hour visit maybe after the first 2 weeks, but if they are having to travel then I don’t know if this is completely unfair of me?
They literally do no leave our house unless I spell it out for them, which recently I’ve had no issues doing by texting them beforehand and saying ‘visit will be ending at 4pm’. Previously they would stay until 11pm or so even after I’d gone to bed. They don’t take hints and have zero concept of acceptable boundaries.
They have pulled so much crap since my kids were born I have zero tolerance for their BS now. We have a pretty rocky and uncomfortable relationship since I started standing up to myself a couple of years ago and they do not like the new dynamic (or me).