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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel I'm being coerced into contraception choice I don't want

102 replies

utopian99 · 08/08/2022 11:45

Hi,
Not really sure if this belongs in AIBU, but not sure where else. Used to post on MN a while ago, around birth of DS1 and have mainly lurked since then. Am 40 v soon, and have been getting huge stress from my doctor here, the last place we lived et a. for the last few years to switch away from the combined contraceptive pill.
It works for me, I don't really want to switch, but keep being told that it increases breast cancer risk and blood clot risk. We don't have a family history of illness related to either of these, BUT I don't want to ignore what is increasingly high stress from outside to change either.

I liked the injection a while ago, pre-children, but it definitely made me gain weight, which I don't want to go through again as am a stone heavier than I'd like to be even now. Have had friends use the implant who liked it, but also heard it can cause months of spotting/bleeds, which negates the point of contraception, if half the time you can't have sex anyway?!
The medical consultants I've spoken to are pushing the coil really hard, but I know a few people who've had horrible pain/issues with this, again to the point it's affected their sex life.
This leaves the mini-pill, which I went on between our two DS (22 month gap,) but think it caused some pretty severe mood swings - although this could just have easily been exhaustion/new baby/2 under 2 etc..

Basically, nothing apart from what I'm on seems like it doesn't have significant downsides. I'm not really sure what my AIBU is, apart from that I feel like I'm being punished for wanting to just be able to go on having sex with my husband!? Like the subtext to this is if I don't want sex to make children, I should be made to give up now I'm 40 and pointless to society in reproductive terms.

(DH is aware of the pressure I've been put under for the last few years and is also saying he could get tubes tied, which he's open to but then that's a significant operation for him as well, and again neither of us know much about the possible downsides there, although it's yet another option.)

Thank you to everyone for your patience if you've got through this rant, and happy for admins to move this if better in another forum of course!

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 08/08/2022 13:14

I was sterilised by having ovaries removed for family cancer risk. Otherwise I would have gone back on the pill which I’d been on for years before trying to have DC. No way would I have a coil. I know women who had an awful experience with theirs - no way.
If no pill, I would have gone for sterilisation. Either him or me.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 13:18

Why are you solely responsible for contraception, why not use Condoms or your DH get the snip?

terriblyangryattimes · 08/08/2022 13:23

My husband worked (from home).the same day he had his vasectomy. It was very speedy and quick and he's had no repercussions as a result. After literal decades of me being on hormonal contraception (or being pregnant\breastfeeding) I'd had enough and it seemed like the best option for us as a couple.

His cousin also has a successful reversal and went on to have another child years after the snip.

Original poster

utopian99 · 08/08/2022 13:26

Thank you everyone for replying (and giving me a bit of a sap for being histrionic, possibly..) Lots to think about and investigate, and will also talk more to DH too.

OP posts:

APurpleSquirrel · 08/08/2022 13:27

After having DC2 I was done with using hormonal contraceptives & thankfully DH was absolutely fine with this & had a vasectomy. Done by a local GP in the drs surgery, took about an hour & home again. A couple of days of discomfort & done.
This was the best & easiest option for us.

schmalex · 08/08/2022 13:27

If your DH is happy to get the snip, why not do that? It's really not a big procedure.

Rosehugger · 08/08/2022 13:30

Also, OP consider than in the next few years your oestrogen levels would start to naturally fall. Even in peri-menopause you might want some kind of oestrogen supplement so staying on the combined pill might be a good plan. I felt like my oestrogen levels fell off a cliff at 40. I was on the progesterone only pill for a while but got vaginal dryness, loads of itching, absolutely no sex drive at all so definitely need oestrogen - I'll take my chances with greater risks of other things, I just feel like myself again with more oestrogen! Some mini pills have a greater risk of things like DVT than combined pills like Femodene anyway.

housemaus · 08/08/2022 13:31

Just FYI - a vasectomy is a quick, simple procedure with a 99% success rate, and he can go home immediately after. The risk of complications is low and the only major downside is that getting it reversed is tricky. While I'm not saying it's a super easy option, it's not a big operation and the main side effects are post-procedure swelling or bruising.

I agree though, lots of the options seem terrible. It's worth remembering that as our bodies are so different, other people's experiences aren't espcially useful as a gauge - for example, both my best friend, sister and I all have the Mirena coil and love it. No pain (other than fitting), no periods and long-acting. Another friend has the copper coil and loves it too. So it's not like the coil is a guaranteed nightmare. Same with the implant and had a nightmare, my cousin says it's the best thing she's ever done. So if you're not looking at the vasectomy route and don't want to just do condoms instead, it might be worth trialling some of the other long-acting options to see if one works with your body - it's super annoying that you'll have to put up with a period of adjusting to it, but your experience might be great and unlike any of your friends'.

northbacchus · 08/08/2022 13:34

What age does a DP need to be to get the snip? I don't think it's necessarily an option for everyone as don't doctors prefer men to be of a specific age.

Rosehugger · 08/08/2022 13:35

It's not just about contraception or as simple as DH having the snip though - it's about hormone levels in peri-menopause. I felt like shit without oestrogen, and I HAVE to take something that stops periods or else I get endometriosis tissue building up outside my womb. Endometriosis is very common.

dementedpixie · 08/08/2022 13:36

My dh was in his early 40s when he had his vasectomy. The had to ask to make sure we had finished having children first

SparrowsNest · 08/08/2022 13:40

I have had no issues with the coil over 12 years, so maybe worth giving it a try. Otherwise vasectomy seems the way to go.

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 08/08/2022 13:43

They all push the coil. I had really heavy periods and they tried to push it on me. I think I just said NO way on earth will I ever get the coil and they instantly dropped it and suggested the progesterone only pill.

A lot of my friends have stories about the coil being pushed on them. It's a disgrace how heavily this is pushed on women.

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 08/08/2022 13:43

Another vote for the Nuva ring here, I'm always surprised that more people don't use it as it's so easy and much less invasive than a coil etc. I have a feeling it's quite expensive which might account for GPs not usually suggesting it as an option.

SirenSays · 08/08/2022 13:44

When my implant causes bleeding I go back to my doctor and get the pill for a few days and it stops. 99% of the time I have zero periods or other side effects

MintyGreenDreams · 08/08/2022 13:44

They keep trying to get me to swap too and am I fuck going to.Im 42 send perfectly happy on the combined pill.

GiltEdges · 08/08/2022 13:46

I don’t think you can really say you’ve given the mini pill a proper try, so I’d probably give that another go in the first instance.

Summerhillsquare · 08/08/2022 13:52

What's wrong with a vasectomy or condoms? Why is all this pressure on you alone?

Singinginthesnow · 08/08/2022 13:52

Copper coil here. Best decision I ever made. Periods are heavier. But I was having multiple periods a month. Mood swings fuzzy head.

It lasts 10 years and no hormonal effects. Periods where very heavy for a few months. They are still heavy now but not unbearable.

Dh doesn't want a vasectomy. His choice. And I don't want my tubes tied. So I'm happy with this

Hopeandlove · 08/08/2022 13:55

Easy husband gets the snip.

GP gets paid per coil they fit it’s a financial.

I had one offered to me after my son and I took it -GP presented it as a clear easy option - it wasn’t. I bled constantly and it hurt to have it done. Broke up with husband and told the GP I could feel the strings. He told me I was imagining it and it was all in my head. Saw another female GP who removed it with painkillers and told me I wasn’t having sex so didn’t need it. And to come back with any new partner to talk through the options available to both of us. I lost weight quickly and bugger me I couldn’t feel any strings any more!

CrisisCafe · 08/08/2022 13:57

I'm less interested in advising on the types of contraception that might suit OP and much more interested in the idea of GPs having some kind of agenda.
Me and 2 of my friends were relentlessly pressured by our GP surgery to come off the mini pill and have the coil fitted. None of us wanted it. We were happy being on the mini pill. I absolutely do not think there's any agenda to stop you having sex with your husband .... but I do wonder if surgeries have targets or quotas to meet , or even some kind of financial incentive to get women off the pill and using the coil instead? i had to have a right ding dong with a doctor on the phone and she, very begrudgingly, gave me a prescription for 3 months. Just putting unnecessary obstacles in my path.
Any GPs reading who could comment?

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/08/2022 14:03

a vasectomy is not major surgery??

ilyx · 08/08/2022 14:04

I’ve heard somewhere drs get £300 for everyone they put on the coil. I had horrendous experiences with the copper coil, extremely heavy periods, constant bacterial infections that stopped once I stopped using it.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 14:09

northbacchus · 08/08/2022 13:34

What age does a DP need to be to get the snip? I don't think it's necessarily an option for everyone as don't doctors prefer men to be of a specific age.

Mine got his age 30

upanddownandupanddown · 08/08/2022 14:10

GP here. No financial incentive that I am aware of to get the coil. Just that lots of women benefit from it. I offer it but accept if some people don’t want it then that’s fine. Just seems a shame sometimes that people are put off by stories from other people that it doesn’t suit, when it could be great for them.

As an aside, I’ve had a coil before and it was fine for me, but my husband could feel the strings and he didn’t like it so I had it removed. Too old and fat for the COCP. On the mini pill now, no periods, suits me fine.

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