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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contacting relatives who complain I never contact them but they don't contact me

31 replies

reddishroses · 08/08/2022 10:17

Aibu to just stop contacting them?! I'm a bit fed up today admittedly but it was my granddads birthday the other day. My grandparents are retired and live in a different country. I text him to say happy birthday and he said thank you, shame we haven't heard from you for such a long time, don't seem to ever hear from you.

Fine but if I don't contact them it's nothing at all from them. They hardly acknowledge my dc, sending a birthday card in the post but no further contact all year about them, no how are they etc.

My mum is the same. I'm so fed up with this attitude of it's all my responsibility to contact them and if I don't they act like I'm a terrible dc/granddc, got me thinking I don't actually really want to maintain contact with people who act entitled to me contacting them without any effort their end.

OP posts:
SparklyAntlers · 08/08/2022 10:28

I pretty much cut off some family due to this, so no YANBU. I did so after having DC and it becoming incredibly obvious how disinterested they were in me and my DC. It still infuriates me how much they love to go on about how close they are as an extended family yet my sibling and I were always excluded. There was no argument, I just stopped making the effort; the relationship has completely died as a result. My mental health is much better for it.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 08/08/2022 10:30

I once refused to see an aunt on Christmas day as dd was due Christmas Eve.
She hung up on me and never rang me again!
Were nc for the few years before she died!

alittlequinnie · 08/08/2022 10:34

I found with most of my relatives that they want to see me... but only if I magic myself into their living rooms...

... in other words - yes - they moan that they don't get much contact from you and never make any efforts themselves.

I used to send my in-laws really long updates about what we were doing and how we were getting on - by email - when they saw us they said they loved getting the and really enjoyed the photos etc... but they only ever sent back a one word reply - or at best a line ... and they never emailed us.

They used to say "don't leave it so long next time" when we were leaving their place... but never invite us or come to ours...

You just get fed up and give up in the end don't you!

FlibbertyGiblets · 08/08/2022 10:34

I had similar with two of my siblings (there is a double handful to be fair) so now nah, I don't bother with them, the traffic was always one-way. Not heard from one since Feb, the other was I think the week before Christmas? Oh well what a shame nevermind. The other sibs caught on quite quickly that I did not require nor request that Flying Monkeys carry news to these two. Thumbs up!

Fairyliz · 08/08/2022 10:38

Mil is like this, never contacts anyone but constantly moans that no one contacts her.
Last time she was going on about a cousin she never hears from I put on my innocence voice and said ‘oh dear what does she say when you phone her?’
She shut up moaning then and changed the subject.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/08/2022 10:49

Same situation with my father. Seemed to not have realised that phones are two-way devices. I stopped bothering after he made it clear that he couldn’t be arsed

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 08/08/2022 10:52

Yanbu. Friendship and family only work on communication, which needs both parties to make an effort. If they don’t add/contribute effort or anything to the relationship, then let it go. So long as they have a means of contacting you - telephone and/or address, then it’s up to them.
Having said that, there is always one side who makes more effort than the other. - You have to decide if making that extra effort is worth the relationship for you. Just because they are family and older doesn’t let them off the hook of making an effort.

LindaEllen · 08/08/2022 10:52

I've had this with my family too. 'You don't call/text', 'You don't visit' .. You do know the roads/phonelines work BOTH ways, right? No health issues to mean they can't phone/text/visit.. but it's always on me. Not fair. Plus I tend to let time run away from me as well so it can get a bit longer than ideal.

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 08/08/2022 11:10

I think people want conversation and not text tbh. I would set aside 15/20 mins here and there to call your grandparents. They won’t be around forever, I wish I could still call mine.

my DP wait for me to contact them, saying that they know that I’m busy. It’s annoying but I get on with it

Original poster
reddishroses · 08/08/2022 11:12

Glad I'm not the only one. I know they moan about other family members too.

OP posts:
Original poster
reddishroses · 08/08/2022 11:15

@Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom if they said they're worried about bothering me that would be a different situations this is more entitled I'm older than you you should make the effort scenario. If they had jobs and a lot on then fair enough but they have far more time than me and if they phoned me or made any contact and I missed a call I'd always phone back.

Tbh if they made any kind of effort I'd care but because they don't and since having dc they cba to call or text but have time to moan when I do I feel differently, my granddad literally text back saying we never hear from you, no, how are the dc, how are you.

OP posts:
SpiderVersed · 08/08/2022 11:22

I see your grandparents have one of those special One Way Phones too, OP. The in-laws are the same, never contact us then moan we aren’t ringing them.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/08/2022 11:24

You can stop doing all the running around but make sure you are emotionally prepared for the hurt and other repressed feelings this will bring up, even two years later. Are you prepared to never hear or see them ever again? I have done this with three family members and they have not contacted me at all. They could be dead and i will never know.

annonymousse · 08/08/2022 11:52

I've given up with my family. I've lived in my current house for 9 years. Not one member of my family has ever seen it. They live 3hrs away. Apparently the road only runs one way. I feel very bitter when they complain they haven't seen me if I don't make the trip to them every couple of months.

Transformatio · 08/08/2022 12:07

YANBU

I find it bizarre that there is no self awareness to what they are saying and how it applies just as much to them - some kind of weird entitlement.

I used to invite certain family members round regularly for meals/afternoon tea or invite them out with us on a day trip or out for meals (we always paid)...never anything back. Gradually decreased the frequency in the hope that they would realise it was 'their turn' - nope. Then it dawned on me that we were often treated to PA remarks or monologues about other people (often negative) anyway so I just stopped bothering.

When we do see them now (usually for obligatory present exchanges) there is always the PA remark about how long it has been (last time mock surprise that our dog still realised who they were). I dare say they are going around telling people that 'Transformatio and family never bother with us'.

Bringon2023 · 08/08/2022 12:16

My family are terrible for this! My grandad would never phone me even though he had a phone and knew how to work it. I think the older generation expect younger ones to phone them. Also, my dad always moans that his parents never came to visit him at his house. And now he's doing the same to me, but he just can't see it. It frustrates me because I'm the one that's busy working etc yet the retired people can't even pick up a phone or drive ten minutes down the road!

AprilRae91 · 08/08/2022 12:21

understandable with grandparents as elderly people can’t get around as easily. Also when retired they have so much time on their hands a week without a call feels like forever.

But can’t be arsed with this from parents and siblings. I’m having a baby and my sister keeps saying that I will have to bring baby to visit her regularly her as she is too ‘nervous on the road’ to drive the 20 mins. She’s just lazy. Obv not going to happen.

girlfriend44 · 08/08/2022 12:28

yes had the same and as soon as you stop bothering it peters out. Says alot about them, dont bother things should be two way,

girlfriend44 · 08/08/2022 12:29

annonymousse · 08/08/2022 11:52

I've given up with my family. I've lived in my current house for 9 years. Not one member of my family has ever seen it. They live 3hrs away. Apparently the road only runs one way. I feel very bitter when they complain they haven't seen me if I don't make the trip to them every couple of months.

what happens if you invite them?

Ludoole · 08/08/2022 12:33

I ring my dm everyday and if she doesn't answer I call later. She picks up when she chooses to. She only usually gets back to me when I've asked my brother if she's ok.
I pay her phone bill incidentally so it's not like she can't afford to call me back.

annonymousse · 08/08/2022 12:50

@girlfriend44 they sigh and tell me how far the journey is and how long it will take them. I know exactly how far it is and how long it takes because I make the trip to them regularly. It just seems I've been cast in the role of adult responsible for keeping the family together.

They all live within about 6 miles of each other and visit each other all the time. Maybe this is my "punishment" for moving away.

I have stopped inviting them now. I sometimes wonder what I would do if they asked if they could visit. I kind of feel a bit past it after all these years.

It does hurt when I see pictures of them all meeting up on Facebook and birthday presents bring exchanged. I feel forgotten and invisible.

CrapBag39 · 08/08/2022 12:53

Text back and say “same, such a shame I don’t ever hear from you either.”

IneedsomeSleeppleasenow · 08/08/2022 12:57

My DH's nan moans that we never contact her but hasn't phoned him in the last 4 years (she also knows how to text etc). DH mum said there is a cheque for £1000 his nan will give us "If we just make the effort to visit her". We have since seen her a few times with our baby and the cheque has never been mentioned. We haven't asked, as don't want her money when she just complains about us to other people. Of course DSIL is favourite grandchild and has hers 😅

girlfriend44 · 08/08/2022 14:24

annonymousse · 08/08/2022 12:50

@girlfriend44 they sigh and tell me how far the journey is and how long it will take them. I know exactly how far it is and how long it takes because I make the trip to them regularly. It just seems I've been cast in the role of adult responsible for keeping the family together.

They all live within about 6 miles of each other and visit each other all the time. Maybe this is my "punishment" for moving away.

I have stopped inviting them now. I sometimes wonder what I would do if they asked if they could visit. I kind of feel a bit past it after all these years.

It does hurt when I see pictures of them all meeting up on Facebook and birthday presents bring exchanged. I feel forgotten and invisible.

thats awful, lots of people move away from their families. If they all live near each other they could even come up and share the driving and the petrol.

Brigante9 · 08/08/2022 14:36

I feel your pain, OP! My mother never phones me unless someone she knows has died. She hardly ever speaks to her grandchildren abroad, despite me teaching her how to WhatsApp. It drives me nuts.

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