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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my baby a dummy

46 replies

user7930 · 08/08/2022 09:39

The father of my child (who I'm no longer with) was very controlling throughout my pregnancy e.g tried to emotionally manipulate me into an abortion, tried to insist that I name the baby after him (even though she's a girl!), tried to dictate what pain relief I should have during labour... the list goes on.

The baby is now 4 weeks old and I have been trying to establish some kind of coparenting relationship with him as he has stated he wants to be involved and he has apologised for previous behaviour. Despite wanting to be involved, he plays a very part time role and just drops in on random days. He has also continued to go out partying, go to concerts etc rather than helping me with the baby.

The baby does not sleep at all throughout the night and I am seriously sleep deprived. It got to about 5am and I was so tired I decided to give the baby a dummy to see if it settled her (she hasn't had one previously). It worked and we were both able to get some sleep. I relayed this to the father of my child and he completely lost it asking why I haven't consulted him before making this decision. He then went on to say that if I am going to "behave" like this then I can "raise the baby alone". As far as I'm concerned I made a decision to help both me and the baby and thought he would be happy for me that I found a solution that allowed both of us to get some sleep. I also don't think he has a right to say anything about it as I'm the one up in the night with the baby, not him.

AIBU??

OP posts:
EvenLess07 · 08/08/2022 09:47

You have every right to give your baby a dummy if that's what works for you (I certainly did with my DD, to get some sleep and it saved my sanity).

He's a controlling arsehole who is trying to keep you in line. If you haven't registered the birth yet, don't put him on the birth certificate.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 08/08/2022 09:48

Gently asking why you want your dc co parented by such a twat? Having a stressed out dm isn't the best for your dc.
Suggest a schedule he can visit. Those times only.
Or ask a mediator to help. He has no right popping in whenever suits him.

And keep the dummy. SIDS recommend using one.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 08/08/2022 09:48

And claim Cms. If he can afford the party life he can be supporting his dc. No need to have him on the bc to do so either..

TheSandgroper · 08/08/2022 09:50

Well done on solving the problem. Some babies do like them.

Re the father. Look up threads here for advice on setting boundaries, timings etc. Be firm because you need to live your life, not his idea of you life. Firm, regular boundaries will prove a good thing but be prepared for tantrums for a while.

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2022 10:00

Some babies need to suckle more. A dummy provides that comfort, which keeps their stress levels down. It can also lower the risk of SIDS. You are parenting alone. Parenting is the emotional side, as well as financial, then physical. Let him drift off, it would be better for both of you. He is abusive. Claim maintenance via the CMS. Set boundaries and he can do one of he won't follow them. Is this the life you choose for your child?

Mrsjayy · 08/08/2022 10:03

Dummys are fine the father however! Don't let him dictate anything he can't just drop in etc, do you have other support ?

Soubriquet · 08/08/2022 10:05

A dummy is perfectly fine. I would look at going to court and getting a proper order in place.

He sounds way too controlling

Buythebag · 08/08/2022 10:08

Firstly: only one of my dc's out of the four had a dummy - simply because he was so greedy he got really fat and I had to try something other than feeding him again! It worked and he was the most contented baby (he's grown up now and also has perfect teeth if that's what you're worried about?)

secondly: well done on getting rid of your toxic ex - he sounds horrible.

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:23

EXHB never allowed me to give our baby a dummy when she was small, even though it was annoying at the time, I’m glad he said no because it saved me the hassle later on down the line of trying to get them off her, the meltdowns if they got lost out and about - I would never give any future children dummies either

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:24

And I might be VERY unpopular here, but I often think of dummies as lazy parenting - something shoved in their mouths to keep them quiet instead of trying to solve the underlying issue - comfort, hunger, boredom etc

hangrylady · 08/08/2022 11:28

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:23

EXHB never allowed me to give our baby a dummy when she was small, even though it was annoying at the time, I’m glad he said no because it saved me the hassle later on down the line of trying to get them off her, the meltdowns if they got lost out and about - I would never give any future children dummies either

Mine both had dummies. When they were 2 the 'dummy fairy' took them and left a little present and they were never mentioned again. It was that easy.

hangrylady · 08/08/2022 11:30

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:24

And I might be VERY unpopular here, but I often think of dummies as lazy parenting - something shoved in their mouths to keep them quiet instead of trying to solve the underlying issue - comfort, hunger, boredom etc

Funny but I doubt anyone gives a shit what you think about their parenting, which you know nothing about.

Starlight86 · 08/08/2022 11:30

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:24

And I might be VERY unpopular here, but I often think of dummies as lazy parenting - something shoved in their mouths to keep them quiet instead of trying to solve the underlying issue - comfort, hunger, boredom etc

Lazy parenting isnt defined by one thing that someone does.

Im guessing you dont allow your children to watch ipads, or the tv, or even allow them to play alone in their room which in your mind could all be down to lazy parenting.

Whatagrapefruit156 · 08/08/2022 11:31

God I am so sorry you’re going through this with him. He is awful. Try to stay strong and do what you think is best for you and your baby. You are your baby’s main carer and you will know what’s best for you both. Good luck and keep on being amazing and be proud of yourself!

Mrsjayy · 08/08/2022 11:32

Sucking is a comfort for babies whether it be a nipple thumb blanket dummy it's all the same, a comfort and a release for a baby, so providing a dummy is just offering comfort I dont see whats wrong with that.

Mrsjayy · 08/08/2022 11:33

And definitely not lazy parenting.

Starlight86 · 08/08/2022 11:36

Also OP, to answer your question. He has absolutely no right to demand anything considering your the main carer of your baby.

You sound like your doing a great job, Ive had 3 dcs WITH the help of my partner and still used a dummy! Dont question your decisions or second guess yourself because of him x

Original poster
user7930 · 08/08/2022 11:41

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:24

And I might be VERY unpopular here, but I often think of dummies as lazy parenting - something shoved in their mouths to keep them quiet instead of trying to solve the underlying issue - comfort, hunger, boredom etc

I have spent the last 4 weeks up all night, every night trying to rock/sing my baby to sleep. She just doesn't settle (unless I'm breastfeeding her) If using a dummy allows us both to get some sleep then that's fine by me. I wouldn't consider myself "lazy"

OP posts:
GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:43

@user7930 has she got reflux/colic? Have you tried a swaddle? Have you tried some white noise? Have you tried leaving her to settle by herself for some time whilst you start to ease yourself away?

Original poster
user7930 · 08/08/2022 11:44

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:43

@user7930 has she got reflux/colic? Have you tried a swaddle? Have you tried some white noise? Have you tried leaving her to settle by herself for some time whilst you start to ease yourself away?

Yes. Have tried everything you've mentioned. I think part of the problem is her body clock seems to be backwards. Sleeps all day, awake all night. Whatever I do, I can't seem to keep her up in the day.

OP posts:
hangrylady · 08/08/2022 11:46

user7930 · 08/08/2022 11:41

I have spent the last 4 weeks up all night, every night trying to rock/sing my baby to sleep. She just doesn't settle (unless I'm breastfeeding her) If using a dummy allows us both to get some sleep then that's fine by me. I wouldn't consider myself "lazy"

Show quote history

Your not lazy. Don't let some judgemental so an so on mumsnet bother you. Dummies are absolutely fine, you're doing a great job in spite of the dickhead ex and honestly, getting rid of the dummy further down the line is not difficult.

elenacampana · 08/08/2022 11:47

GreenTeaMom · 08/08/2022 11:24

And I might be VERY unpopular here, but I often think of dummies as lazy parenting - something shoved in their mouths to keep them quiet instead of trying to solve the underlying issue - comfort, hunger, boredom etc

My baby doesn’t have a dummy because she never took to one, just wasn’t her thing. My friend’s whose babies do have dummies are not lazier than me, they’re fabulous. They just have babies who like a dummy and I have one that doesn’t!

Violinist64 · 08/08/2022 11:57

I think the real dummy here is the father of your baby and also one or two posters here who are putting themselves in a superior parenting position by expressing their disdain of dummies. Sometimes tiny babies can cry for seemingly no reason and refuse to be soothed whatever you do and a dummy can be a lifesaver on these occasions. They are a great deal easier to get rid of when the time comes than a thumb as l know from bitter experience from one of mine,

JauntyJinty · 08/08/2022 11:58

"He then went on to say that if I am going to "behave" like this then I can "raise the baby alone""

This line jumped out at me and made me think he was looking for an excuse to step away. I think if it hadn't been this it would have been something else - as soon as there was something he can disagree with he's abandoned his responsibilities whist making it your fault in his mind.

You're better off without him

KyaClark · 08/08/2022 12:07

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