To give my baby a dummy

[user7930]

The father of my child (who I'm no longer with) was very controlling throughout my pregnancy e.g tried to emotionally manipulate me into an abortion, tried to insist that I name the baby after him (even though she's a girl!), tried to dictate what pain relief I should have during labour... the list goes on.

The baby is now 4 weeks old and I have been trying to establish some kind of coparenting relationship with him as he has stated he wants to be involved and he has apologised for previous behaviour. Despite wanting to be involved, he plays a very part time role and just drops in on random days. He has also continued to go out partying, go to concerts etc rather than helping me with the baby.

The baby does not sleep at all throughout the night and I am seriously sleep deprived. It got to about 5am and I was so tired I decided to give the baby a dummy to see if it settled her (she hasn't had one previously). It worked and we were both able to get some sleep. I relayed this to the father of my child and he completely lost it asking why I haven't consulted him before making this decision. He then went on to say that if I am going to "behave" like this then I can "raise the baby alone". As far as I'm concerned I made a decision to help both me and the baby and thought he would be happy for me that I found a solution that allowed both of us to get some sleep. I also don't think he has a right to say anything about it as I'm the one up in the night with the baby, not him.

AIBU??

Please do not put him on the birth cert if you haven't already

Both mine had dummies. One had reflux and the dummy was a real comfort for her.

but this isn’t about dummies. This is about a man who doesn’t want to parent and has taken the first opportunity to step back. If it wasn’t the dummy it would be weaning or toilet training or sleep routines.

@KyaClark I can tell your children probably had dummies….

Dummies are notoriously bad for teeth and speech development, they harbour germs and babies who have dummies are more likely to become unwell AND for breastfeeding babies dummies are not recommended at all…

as I said, they are convenient for parents but don’t actually offer many benefits to the child

Except reducing the risk of SIDS? My two children both had dummies. They both had advanced speech for their age and their teeth are perfect now aged 10 and 11. Trying to shame other parents for a perfectly acceptable choice is such a shitty thing to do, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I have two children. Neither had dummies. I just don't judge other parents on how they parent.

You should try it.

@hangrylady there is plenty of other ways to reduce the risk of SIDS… sleeping on their back, nothing in the cot etc. Plus yes there is a small proportion of people who probably take the dummy away early to avoid those problems but how many parents carry on letting 3/4/5 year olds have them and then moan because their child can’t speak properly?

Fucks sake. There is nothing wrong with a dummy. Dd had one. Her speech and teeth are perfect. Ds preferred sucking on a blanket. And guess what. His teeth and speech are perfect too

@GreenTeaMom Id be interested to know your thoughts on thumb sucking?

Much prefer dummies. Breaking thumb sucking habit is way harder than removing dummy later on.

@Soubriquet you realise everyone is entitled to an opinion right? If not, then don’t come on here. Some people think they are great and buys them before the baby is even born, other parents think they are totally unnecessary.

I’m aware everyone has their own opinions but some judgy perfect parents seem to think a dummy is a gateway to becoming lucifer. They are a good parents aid

@Starlight86 my child never had a dummy or sucked her thumb. But yes that’s a habit that should probably be discouraged too. There is other ways to meet a child’s oral sensory need with a bit of research.

Oh, id be really interested to know how to discourage say a 4 week old baby from sucking their thumb.

Also, this isnt about meeting their oral sensory needs, its about their comfort and to be quite honest if a parent if getting a few extra hours sleep because their baby is comforted by a dummy, also be aware that in Nicu babies are offered dummies for the following:

Appropriate use of dummies in the NICU has the
following advantages:
• non-nutritive sucking reduces the experience of pain. Babies
often become upset during uncomfortable procedures. Ways
of calming a baby include holding and rocking, skin to skin
contact or breastfeeding. These may not always be possible,
and therefore the use of a dummy can be helpful
• non-nutritive sucking encourages sucking and weight gain
• sucking is a basic instinct for a newborn baby. A healthy term
baby can suck from either breast or bottle and therefore
does not need a dummy. A sick or pre-term baby may not be
able to suck at the breast or bottle at all, or only for a short
time once or twice a day
• a baby held in close contact with the breast during a tube
feed can associate the breast with food, comfort and a full
tummy. When this is not possible, offering a dummy during
tube feeding helps encourage the baby to suck and to learn
to associate sucking with the feeling of a full tummy. There
is evidence that babies who are offered a dummy to suck
during tube feeds gain weight more quickly
• non-nutritive sucking helps with breathing
• babies who need help with their breathing using CPAP (a
special machine which helps the baby to breathe more easily)
can be soothed and calmed when sucking on a dummy. The
dummy also helps to maintain pressure in the breathing
passages, which makes it easier for the baby to breathe.

So whilst you are allowed to have an opinion i think its really naive on your part to say its lazy parenting because quite frankly that isnt a valid reason to base your opinion on.

Lazy parenting often leads to contented, resilient children. Unlike supercilious precious parenting that leads to over anxious and entitled children who always need mummy at hand to cope with life.

Dummies are called soothers for a reason.

But tell the ex to jog on op. Until he can step up as an equal parent he has no say.

Some neonatal units suggest dummies to help babies develop their sucking reflexes and to help comfort them.

My baby has a dummy, it’s great for helping her settle and she spits it out when she doesn’t want it. I comfort her but sometimes babies need a little something extra.
Myself and my siblings had dummies until we were 1- no dental problems, no speech problems- all turned out perfectly fine.

Op the issue is this man. He can’t dictate to you how to raise your baby if he is not going to start doing more. I also bet if he was having such unsettled nights then he would use a dummy too!

YANBU. It’s a dummy not a spoonful of brandy.
Getting enough sleep to function is an excellent reason to try a dummy. You could leave it in the cot/hide it when she’s awake to limit how much time she spends using it if you want.
Your ex doesn’t get a say about sleeping techniques if he isn’t doing any nightshifts with your baby. And his threat is ridiculous - he won’t stick around if you don’t parent the way he thinks is best? Parents who are actually seriously worried about how the other parent deals with their shared baby try to do exactly the opposite - think about it, if you were doing something obviously dangerous for your newborn (eg getting drunk while looking after the baby) you’d expect the father of the baby to try to see the baby more, and thus limit the impact your behavior was having.

You are not lazy, do what is best for you. Ds 21 did not have a dummy and used his thumb for years and had terrible teeth. Ds 15 had a dummy, we lost it aged 2 and his teeth were fine. Do what is best for you and the baby, get some rest and then deal with your child’s father.

He’s right of course You should be raising the baby alone!
you are the primary care giver to a young baby and he is disagreeing not with experience or constructive comments but to be controlling
he doesn’t have your child’s best interest at heart
you do what works for you
just so you know the hospital gave my son. a Dummy as a baby to help with wind It’s perfectly fine and helps many situations
This man won’t coparent with you he will counter parent so
Block him on everything except one email address for discussing the baby
don’t ask him tell him
set regular times for visits
try to have a person with you when he collects and returns the baby
ignore anything he says that isn’t regarding the baby and keep the emails evidence

He then went on to say that if I am going to "behave" like this then I can "raise the baby alone".

Please don't let him threaten you. That's not even a threat. It sounds like a blessing!

If he wants to walk, absolutely let him. But realistically, I doubt this will be the last time he tries something like this.

You are the one doing the actual parenting, so you do what suits you and your baby, NOT him.

You have potentially 18 years of co-parenting with this idiot. You are going to have to be fit for him, so start as you mean to go on.

You safely comforted your baby and both got some sleep. Nothing whatsoever to be criticised there.

And yes, I'm another whose baby didn't suffer a single one of these apparently notorious downsides of having a dummy.

Go for it, OP.
My son was very ill as a newborn (Hirschsprung's Disease) and needed extensive surgery and hospital treatment for years. He had a tough time as a little baby and his dummy was a huge comfort.

My mother and others were very critical (won't it damage his teeth, stop speech development, make him stupid etc?) I had all this, but I went ahead anyway because I knew he loved his dummy and he had a lot to put up with in terms of pain and discomfort.

Well, he went to Cambridge and is now a barrister, so people who say it affects their speech and other development can go and jump in a lake!!!!