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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I should feel about this?

30 replies

Margot78 · 08/08/2022 08:20

We are currently on holiday in UK about a two hour drive from home with my widowed MIL and DD. Having a nice time and DD is enjoying time with her grandma and us. However, DH’s sister who lives in the same town as us and who is usually never interested in meeting up has announced that she is joining us on Wednesday with her DC. A large part of our day yesterday was taken up with DH on the phone to his sister trying to meet her demands of what she wants to do and getting food in so we can cook for them all. This is our only holiday this year whereas she has two foreign holidays booked with her partner and DC. MIL is getting very excited about her other grandchildren coming and a couple of times has been so busy enthusing about it that she hasn’t paid attention to my DD trying to talk to her.

I know it’s only one day, that I’m supposed to feel excited about them joining us and happy that DD will have playmates for a day but I can’t shake off the anger. I feel like our holiday is being gatecrashed and that I’m having to bend over backwards to accommodate someone I didn’t want to have there. I would never invite myself to someone’s holiday and dictate the day and this feels so intrusive. I can’t focus anymore on enjoying the day because I can’t get on top of my feelings.

AIBU to ask you how I’m meant to feel - is this anger unreasonable and how do I overcome
and not allow it to ruin the week?

OP posts:
SarahProblem · 08/08/2022 08:24

YANBU. Take charge though don't be passive make your own arrangements and do your own thing. You're not obliged to do everything she wants?

Do you like her?

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 08:25

1 day op

1 and yes - your child will have playmates

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 08:26

You seem so annoyed with so many people in this scenario

your mil
your dh
your sil

over one day

pinkstripeycat · 08/08/2022 08:29

Just organise a picnic type meal, avoid cooking. Bit of salad, cheese, cold meat, bread.
Alternatively all go out for a meal.

Aprilx · 08/08/2022 08:32

I expect they think they are having a nice family meet up and people would like to see them. It probably hasn’t occurred to them that they are gatecrashing anything, because most people would think this a pretty normal thing to do. Are you normally this unfriendly and unwelcoming to your in-laws. What a fuss over nothing.

midgetastic · 08/08/2022 08:32

Go out to eat and make sure sis pays her share by saying before to her "why don't we split mums bill as a treat for her "

girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 08:34

For the sake of a day it'll be nice for your DD to spend time with her cousins.

confusedlots · 08/08/2022 08:34

That is a bit annoying, but seeing as I very rarely cook on holiday anyway, I would not have been spending so much time organising and buying food to cook. For any nights we're not eating out then it's a simple BBQ, pizza, Chinese take away or else those Chinese/Indian boxes you get in Tesco that do a few people and you just have to heat it up.

Riverlee · 08/08/2022 08:37

For one day, I think you have to grin and bear it.

However, I can understand how you are annoyed that they have invited themselves, with no prior warning, and you have spent precious time on your holiday accommodating them. This should have been arranged before hand, not thrust on you.

Original poster
Margot78 · 08/08/2022 08:41

Riverlee · 08/08/2022 08:37

For one day, I think you have to grin and bear it.

However, I can understand how you are annoyed that they have invited themselves, with no prior warning, and you have spent precious time on your holiday accommodating them. This should have been arranged before hand, not thrust on you.

Thank you for understanding how I feel and for the advice. I think you’re right, if it had been arranged beforehand I would have been fine, it’s the way this has interrupted and taken over things that I’m finding hard. Will grin and bear it as usual!

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 08/08/2022 08:47

The demands of it being about her and what she w acts would annoy me more than the fact they're coming.

That and the fact it's taken up time yesterday from your holiday to sort it.

all it should have been was - were coming at x time and will leave at x.

The rest isn't something they can demand because you are hosting.

Original poster
Margot78 · 08/08/2022 09:17

Aprilx · 08/08/2022 08:32

I expect they think they are having a nice family meet up and people would like to see them. It probably hasn’t occurred to them that they are gatecrashing anything, because most people would think this a pretty normal thing to do. Are you normally this unfriendly and unwelcoming to your in-laws. What a fuss over nothing.

No I am always trying to be friendly and kind to others and do as much as I can for family and friends but I have been through a difficult time lately and this holiday was a chance to just unwind and not have my life revolve around other people’s demands for once. SIL is a very dominant personality and has already threatened to ‘not bother coming’ when DH’s original plan for the day didn’t match her idea of what we should do. So things have been changed around to accommodate her wishes. I always make the effort to get on with her but sometimes it does involve a lot of lip biting! I suppose I just needed a break from it, I think if it had been preplanned rather than suddenly announced during the holiday, I would have felt more mentally prepared. I know I probably sound like an unwelcoming cow to strangers.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/08/2022 09:22

SIL is a very dominant personality and has already threatened to ‘not bother coming’ when DH’s original plan for the day didn’t match her idea of what we should do.

You can still stick to your original plan. She can come or no, that's up to her.

Do everything the same as you would have..let your husband bend over backwards for her if he likes. You don't have to at all..

Brefugee · 08/08/2022 09:45

this holiday was a chance to just unwind and not have my life revolve around other people’s demands for once

I'd say his to your DH and say you'd prefer to keep to your original plans. Or if you're ok with the changed plans just let your DH organise everything and you relax?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 08/08/2022 09:51

Well surely dh organises the food? Dc get to go and play
.
You get some free time.

Maybe a headache and you can pop off to the shop for some painkillers... (cafe)...

DeadbeatYoda · 08/08/2022 15:51

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 08:26

You seem so annoyed with so many people in this scenario

your mil
your dh
your sil

over one day

But it's not just one day. It's all the prep too. This is op's only holiday, why should she have to put up with SIL purloining even a couple of days of it?

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 17:10

DeadbeatYoda · 08/08/2022 15:51

But it's not just one day. It's all the prep too. This is op's only holiday, why should she have to put up with SIL purloining even a couple of days of it?

Show quote history

Of which the OP for not mention her having to do anything at all!

so she has a lovely time in pool with her daughter without a worry in the world whilst mil gets cracking on prep and DH spends his time on the phone!

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 17:12

DeadbeatYoda · 08/08/2022 15:51

But it's not just one day. It's all the prep too. This is op's only holiday, why should she have to put up with SIL purloining even a couple of days of it?

Show quote history

I suppose because three other people on do want to see the SIL and her CV underneath. Representing 3/4 of the group!

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 17:12

And her children!!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 17:17

No I am always trying to be friendly and kind to others and do as much as I can for family and friends

That's on you, op. Stop being a people pleaser all the time, and don't allow yourself to be influenced by your SIL's expectations. You do what you feel capable of and if she doesn't like it she can leave. If the little princess has demands, your husband can deal with her. You can go for a walk and leave them to it.

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 17:20

Margot78 · 08/08/2022 09:17

No I am always trying to be friendly and kind to others and do as much as I can for family and friends but I have been through a difficult time lately and this holiday was a chance to just unwind and not have my life revolve around other people’s demands for once. SIL is a very dominant personality and has already threatened to ‘not bother coming’ when DH’s original plan for the day didn’t match her idea of what we should do. So things have been changed around to accommodate her wishes. I always make the effort to get on with her but sometimes it does involve a lot of lip biting! I suppose I just needed a break from it, I think if it had been preplanned rather than suddenly announced during the holiday, I would have felt more mentally prepared. I know I probably sound like an unwelcoming cow to strangers.

Show quote history

What was your DH’s “plan for the day”?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 08/08/2022 17:29

I think you're being a bit unreasonable to be honest. Your dd might enjoy some time with her cousins.

Just get some picnic picky stuff or go out for lunch.

StopFeckingFaffing · 08/08/2022 17:35

I understand your frustration but I would just suck it up personally

As others have pointed out its only 1 day

Let MIL and DH worry about the specifics and try to enjoy your holiday and try not to get drawn in to running around to please SIL

Ponoka7 · 08/08/2022 17:37

Does your DH and her usually clash? Why did it take so long and what is it that you are now doing? Does your MIL get to see her and the children much? For most people they'd want the cousins to get together and wouldn't have your reaction.

Mojitomogul · 08/08/2022 17:38

Completely get your point of view. It's horrible feeling put upon esp on holiday. Get pizzas to shove in oven and salad bits , cucumber, carrot sticks. Drink a nice gin and tonic and try to enjoy your day. Let any remarks slide off and hopefully your dd will enjoy seeing her cousins.

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