SIL visiting my friends

[Silvercloud79]

My DH’s sister and I have never been close.
She has never been welcoming towards me over the last 13 years DH and I have been together. She often causes a lot of drama in her family also.
only once has she invited me out, and this was after I experienced a severe trauma, but really be have never bonded.
in the early days of my relationship with DH she would have tantrums that she never got to see DH and spend time with him because he was out on dates with me.

Fast forward 2022, she met some of my friends at a social function and mentioned she would be visiting a part of England over the holidays where they live. My Friend told her to get in touch when she visits. This has now come into fruition and she will be having dinner and staying at their place.

i got a lot of anxiety about this because I am always on my guard around my in laws as we are not close; where as my friends know more about my private life.

i don’t have many friends, but I can’t imagine having a close relationship with my friends if they commence a relationship with my SiL. I have never told them about my feelings towards her or about her nasty streak towards me. To the outside world she’s really pleasant but she saves the drama for DH, me and PIL.

are my feelings valid? I feel really immature, can you advice me on how to overcome these worried feelings I have about losing my friends.

It was the friend who invited the SIL so how do you figure this out?

The friend invited her, how on earth do you then figure the sil is jealous?

Jealous of what? How does being jealous mean you get invited to stay at someone’s house?

Unless the OP is travelling with sil to wherever they live this would be a very odd thing to suggest, unless it was just to ask if OP would be with her - it’s not like they’re all going out in the same town/city where they live.

Most or many people have a mean girl, drama llama or bastard in their family.
Few would be surprised that a friend would confide that a rellie who they are about to meet or get to know is a thorn in the side of friend & their family.

If your friends know you well enough & you are open with them about your condition & struggles, then a quiet word to share that you’ve not introduced them before or spoken about SIL is because there is significant tension between your OH & you.

Obviously you cannot influence or suggest that your friend rejects or uninvites SIL, but you can ask that your friends are aware that you & your OH do not share anything personal with her due to past experiences & disruptions.

‘So as wise & trusted friends, please respect the confidences I have shared with you & treasure the trust between us’.

As much as you can ask.
Should SIL insinuate or suggest that your friends have told her stuff about you, check in with friends before you believe or react to SIL’s taunts.

So as wise & trusted friends, please respect the confidences I have shared with you & treasure the trust between us’.

😂 Who on earth actually talks like this?

If they’re actually friends they won’t sit gossiping about OP anyway, if you even have to consider that you need to ask your friends not to gossip about you they’re no friends in the first place.

‘Friend, it is kind of you to invite SIL. I am not close to my SIL at all, so it was a surprise to learn she is staying with you. Really looking forward to seeing you soon. Dinner?’

and stand back.
Your friend will read between the lines.
i bet SIL invited herself!!!

Also friend may be offering out of respect for you op. I know I would be welcoming of close friends family etc

Why would need a friend to read between the lines?

Good god no wonder so many people have such issues around communication, this is just stiring for drama, if you want you tell somebody something just spit it out.

So despite suggesting to the SIL that she contact them if she was in the area, you seem to believe the friends should have said “actually , second thoughts - no because it might piss the OP off”?

@Hotandbothereds Who on earth actually talks like this?

Enter stage right, fragrant flower of the Net for Mothers: ‘So as wise & trusted friends, please respect the confidences I have shared with you & treasure the trust between us’.

That’s who…😉

I get it OP, that would unsettle me too. She's not respecting boundaries.

And do you think the friends are “not respecting boundaries” by making the first move and inviting SIL to stay if she visits the area??

Back in the real world you don’t just spit stuff out randomly. Nor do you compromise your already strained family relations by slagging off your SIL to her newfound friend! You simply quietly let it be known you aren’t close and leave at that, anyone with half a brain will work it out relatively easily!

I don't do reading between the lines, can't be bothered with that. If somebody important find a way to tell them simply and diplomatically. There's nothing wrong with asking a friend to be discreet about something but they may need to actually be told what.

If they’d worked it out in the first place the friends wouldn’t have invited sil would they?

If it was my friends they’d already know I didn’t get on with sil because I have conversations with friends about things, I don’t expect them to act detective on my behalf.

Manipulative people do what? The friends invited the SIL

@Endlesslypatient82 they wheedle their way in!

Oh come on

Give them friends some credit

in your scenario their thickos that are “taken in” 😂