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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL visiting my friends

92 replies

Silvercloud79 · 08/08/2022 08:19

My DH’s sister and I have never been close.
She has never been welcoming towards me over the last 13 years DH and I have been together. She often causes a lot of drama in her family also.
only once has she invited me out, and this was after I experienced a severe trauma, but really be have never bonded.
in the early days of my relationship with DH she would have tantrums that she never got to see DH and spend time with him because he was out on dates with me.

Fast forward 2022, she met some of my friends at a social function and mentioned she would be visiting a part of England over the holidays where they live. My Friend told her to get in touch when she visits. This has now come into fruition and she will be having dinner and staying at their place.

i got a lot of anxiety about this because I am always on my guard around my in laws as we are not close; where as my friends know more about my private life.

i don’t have many friends, but I can’t imagine having a close relationship with my friends if they commence a relationship with my SiL. I have never told them about my feelings towards her or about her nasty streak towards me. To the outside world she’s really pleasant but she saves the drama for DH, me and PIL.

are my feelings valid? I feel really immature, can you advice me on how to overcome these worried feelings I have about losing my friends.

OP posts:
CherryColaRoller · 08/08/2022 10:06

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Herejustforthisone · 08/08/2022 10:07

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Shan’t.

Loics · 08/08/2022 10:08

I recognise the username of the person posting most nasty comments, I think it's just what they do. It'll be someone else getting it next.

YANBU OP, I would also have let them know in a subtle way. Of course you can't say "SIL is awful and will use any personal info against me", but telling them not to mention certain things to her gets that message across in a more acceptable way.

Herejustforthisone · 08/08/2022 10:10

It would appear certain spiteful posters would like to be left in peace to spew forth their vitriol online. I often wonder what their lives must look like, to get such joy in being cunts to people they don’t know.

Holly60 · 08/08/2022 10:37

HipsterCoffeeShop · 08/08/2022 08:39

YANBU

It's weird behaviour from your SIL. It sounds like jealousy or something and she's trying to push you out from your own social circle.

If there's a good opportunity, I would tell your friends that you don't get on in case they get any ideas of organising social things that include both of you

How is it weird behaviour??

You meet some people at a function. You get on well. You mention a holiday and they say 'let us know when you are around'. So you do.

Literally nothing weird about that.

It WOULD be weird if a mutual friend/relative then phoned the new friendly people and told them they couldn't be friends with you, because SHE apparently doesn't like you.

10HailMarys · 08/08/2022 10:39

This is very much one of those posts where I'd like to hear the other side of the story, because I suspect the SIL has a very different perspective on this.

OP, you sound quite paranoid. I get that you don't like your SIL, and that's fine - I you don't have to be mates with her. She's just your husband's sister. There's no reason you should automatically be friends with her. (I actually like my SIL a lot but we don't socialise outside of family occasions.) But your SIL and your friends are also allowed to mix if they want to. I understand why you're uneasy but I think YABU.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 08/08/2022 10:51

Hopefully as she lives far away enough to have to stay over when she visits, this won’t be a regular thing.

I think what you don’t say now is as important as what you do. Don’t slag her off; don’t even bring her up unless they do. Be non-committal unless pushed, and if they do want to know more, just say ‘We’re just really not close; we’re very different people’ or similar. (Imply she’s a total bitch rather than saying it outright 😉)

Triffid1 · 08/08/2022 11:04

There do seem to be a few things going on here and I'm not sure if it's just that your post was relatively brief.

  1. you refer to your SIL never inviting you out etc etc - but have you made an effort with her? Is she older/younger than you/your DH because weirdly, i do think that makes a difference - an older SIL might take the lead while a younger one might expect her brother and SIL to make the overtures (it's ridiculous, I know, but Iv'e seen it play out in my and DH's family a LOT).
  2. Why don't your friends know how you feel about your SIL? Because arguably, they may well consider themselves to be being kind/helpful to you by welcoming a member of your family to their neck of the woods.
I think some sisters do find it a bit hard when their brother gets a serious girlfriend. SIL was a bit tricky in the beginning but it was fine. My brother's now-wife got a bit twitchy because he had a habit of relying on me to do things like help him shop etc and she didn't like it. Frankly, neither did I so once I made it clear that I was MORE than happy for her to do this, things lightened up. But from her perspective, she probably thought I was the weird sister babying her brother (vs the reality which was that my brother LIKES being babied and it drives me mad).
RedHelenB · 08/08/2022 11:19

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 08:32

Op

your stance on this explains your lack of friends

dig your heels in on this issue and you will lose one of your very few friends

This. Yabu.

RockinHorseShite · 08/08/2022 11:39

YANBU & if they are good friends, now is the time to talk to them about your difficulties with SIL. It doesn't have to be a big, don't do this, just that you need them to know that you have a very difficult relationship with SIL, that she has form for shit stirring for you, so you'd be grateful if they keep information about yiu to themselves & otherwise, have a lovely time.

If it were me, I'd appreciate knowing the truth so that I don't inadvertently feed SILs drama with you

RockinHorseShite · 08/08/2022 11:48

& there's some incredibly naive posters on this thread who clearly haven't dealt with manipulative behaviour from drama lamas or narcs Confused

I had a similar situation in the past with a now ex "friend" who sounds a lot like SIL. I urged other friends living in the same city to invite her out as she was forever moaning about having no friends & not getting out to galleries, gigs etc.

Roll forward a bit & she's made herself the person who would let me know about a big meet up. Only she deliberately didn't, telling them I was ill & then posting about her great day out with her lovely friends all over SM.

Some people are manipulative shits who love drama & especially love to get one up on their target. SIL sounds to me like one of those

Original poster
Silvercloud79 · 08/08/2022 11:55

Thanks all. I’ve contacted them to let them know there are a few private matters that should be off topic. I also told them that I’ve had to keep her at arms length over a few issues to maintain my mental health.
the reason they don’t know about my difficult relationship until now is that when I’m out with them I just like to let my hair down, have fun and not talk to much about issues that drag me down. Of course they know stuff about my private life but I don’t tend to talk about other people, that’s just my habit. As a result few of my friends know how much hard work she is. It’s been mainly out of respect to my DH that I haven’t divulged too much about his sisters often unreasonable behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvercloud79 · 08/08/2022 12:02

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 08/08/2022 10:51

Hopefully as she lives far away enough to have to stay over when she visits, this won’t be a regular thing.

I think what you don’t say now is as important as what you do. Don’t slag her off; don’t even bring her up unless they do. Be non-committal unless pushed, and if they do want to know more, just say ‘We’re just really not close; we’re very different people’ or similar. (Imply she’s a total bitch rather than saying it outright 😉)

Thanks for this. She’s enmeshed herself before with some other friends. I took this approach before where I didn’t say anything and as a result we became distant from those friends as she got closer. She has lots of her own friends. But often talks about how lonely she is.

I know it sounds strange but my husband and I are just incredibly private people and we like to keep our friends and family separate. Not that we have anything to hide, but we just like boundaries and the in laws are quite interfering bunch.

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 12:13

She’s enmeshed herself before with some other friends

OP, YOUR friend suggested to your SIL that she drop her a line if in the area

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/08/2022 12:17

Have to wonder if the nasty posters are men, and incels at that. You are right to guard and nurture your dear friends OP - SIL sounds like a wanker.

FinneusMum · 08/08/2022 12:18

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FinneusMum · 08/08/2022 12:18

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AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 12:20

YANBU, If i were you I'd maybe mention something to your friend about you not being very close to your SIL and would rather she didn't know anything personal about you if you come up in conversation, a part from that you can't do very much about it as your friend wasn't to know that you don't get along

Endlesslypatient82 · 08/08/2022 12:57

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Original poster
Silvercloud79 · 08/08/2022 13:00

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 12:20

YANBU, If i were you I'd maybe mention something to your friend about you not being very close to your SIL and would rather she didn't know anything personal about you if you come up in conversation, a part from that you can't do very much about it as your friend wasn't to know that you don't get along

Thank you for understanding. This is what I’ve done. They know now, so I just have to let things be now. I appreciate everyone who has tried to understand me on here. Thanks.

OP posts:
FlorettaB · 08/08/2022 13:04

I’m sorry you’ve had such bizarre responses OP. Where have all the vile posters appeared from?

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2022 13:09

Silvercloud79 · 08/08/2022 13:00

Thank you for understanding. This is what I’ve done. They know now, so I just have to let things be now. I appreciate everyone who has tried to understand me on here. Thanks.

Show quote history

Good, hopefully it will just be a one off thing, best of luck OP

Threelittlelambs · 08/08/2022 13:12

I’ve known her type before and would defiantly want them separated!

They weevil their way in and make sure they turn others against you with lies! Sad thing is it take a while for their true colours to surface.

Livelovebehappy · 08/08/2022 13:38

FlorettaB · 08/08/2022 13:04

I’m sorry you’ve had such bizarre responses OP. Where have all the vile posters appeared from?

School holidays. Some parents’ stress levels are likely through the roof, and they come on here to let off steam by being massively unpleasant to strangers…..

IncompleteSenten · 08/08/2022 13:50

FlorettaB · 08/08/2022 13:04

I’m sorry you’ve had such bizarre responses OP. Where have all the vile posters appeared from?

MNHQ must feel like they're playing nonstop Whack-A-Twat.

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