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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reconnect with mother after sexual abuse

40 replies

TedLassorules · 07/08/2022 23:59

From age of 11 my SF was abusive sexually to me and my sister. Cut a story short my mother chose to stay with him despite us putting in a court case against him about the abuse. She is still with him..I am early 50’s now and I cut contact with her from the age of 20 as she would never admit he had did these things to me and sis. I have a pretty successful academic career, about to qualify with a PhD and wonder if I should invite mother to my graduation? Sounds weird, but when do you forgive someone?

OP posts:
Notquiteoneanddone · 08/08/2022 00:04

hell would freeze over before I could ever forgive someone who enabled / ignored child sexual abuse, much less a mother. how is your relationship with your sister? would she not be hurt that you’d consider this?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/08/2022 00:04

You forgive them when you want to. I’m not sure I would ever want to forgive her. She does not deserve to share in your successes. Are you inviting your sister? Where does she stand on it?

PersonaNonGarter · 08/08/2022 00:06

Your call. What do you want? I feel like she will let you down again but maybe you are ready for that.

You and your sister sound very brave.

AnomalousChallenge · 08/08/2022 00:10

Why would you ever forgive her?

Congratulations on your PhD OP -
you must be very proud. You don’t need her there to acknowledge your achievement. What she has done is beyond the pale.

Original poster
TedLassorules · 08/08/2022 00:12

Sister doesn’t acknowledge it ever happened probably understandably….as does mother which is not so understandable… but I have a good friendship with my sister..the comment about someone just ignoring the abuse resonated and that’s exactly what M has done and I don’t think I’ve framed it like that …:(

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2022 00:16

When to forgive?

Personally I'd suggest when in the context of a sin of this magnitude they'd demonstrated some meaningful remorse.

What do you hope to gain from any reconciliation? She's still with your abuser. Are you secretly hoping she'll admit she failed you and your sister?

It must be incredibly hard, but I think you know the truth that for whatever fucked up reason she decided this man was more important to her than her children.

If you feel it's important to your MH to see her again then perhaps explore why with a therapist first and also consider how that could be done whilst maintaining some safe boundaries.

I'd definitely not recommend you "mix" an important and pivotal celebration such as your PHD graduation (well done you!!) with prior trauma.

Original poster
TedLassorules · 08/08/2022 00:16

Thank you everyone who took the time to reply to this….I feel so conflicted and I appreciate all of you..

OP posts:
Original poster
TedLassorules · 08/08/2022 00:20

Bread : you have succinctly captured every emotion I have felt about this.. I’m seeking her remorse.. not happening.
I want her to admit she failed me and my sister.
and why she chose him/ husband before us… her own children :(

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 08/08/2022 00:37

I agree with bread that it’s best you don’t mix in your deep, deep need for her remorse and recognition with this hugely important and hopefully joyous occasion.

Shelve the need to reconnect with her until after your ceremony, then return to the questions you want to ask yourself, and do perhaps seek the support of a therapist before you make any decisions.

If your mother shows no remorse then reconnecting can only hurt you further. Please do take care of yourself OP.

quietnightmare · 08/08/2022 00:40

No advice just want to congratulate you on your PHD, want an achievement

BreadInCaptivity · 08/08/2022 00:54

TedLassorules · 08/08/2022 00:20

Bread : you have succinctly captured every emotion I have felt about this.. I’m seeking her remorse.. not happening.
I want her to admit she failed me and my sister.
and why she chose him/ husband before us… her own children :(

I am asking kindly why you think she will do this now?

Are you hoping your PHD will be something she can look at and say "wow, what a talented, wonderful child I have and I was so wrong to abandon her"?

Hope can actually be a pretty cruel thing when it's futile. Sorry to be blunt, but it is futile if she's still with your abuser.

I'm so very sorry you're struggling with these emotions. It's absolutely natural to want to be loved and prioritised by a parent and so deeply hurtful to acknowledge that isn't going to happen, no matter what. However much you excel.

Take pride in your own achievements, don't taint them by seeking reconciliation from a person whose played no part in your personal triumphs.

Take strength from what you've achieved without her support, don't diminish it by offering her the opportunity hurt you further.

Flowers
NoseyNellie · 08/08/2022 00:57

Forgiveness: a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.

Reconciliation is a whole different kettle of fish for another day.

Enjoy your graduation, celebrate it with the people who have been there to support you - they are the ones who will take most from the experience and be most appreciative of your achievement ☺️

Meraas · 08/08/2022 03:16

TedLassorules · 08/08/2022 00:12

Sister doesn’t acknowledge it ever happened probably understandably….as does mother which is not so understandable… but I have a good friendship with my sister..the comment about someone just ignoring the abuse resonated and that’s exactly what M has done and I don’t think I’ve framed it like that …:(

Did your sister help with the court against him? Was SF convicted? Is he still alive?

I’m so sorry he did that to you and whilst I don’t think I could forgive mum, I can see it must be difficult to have lost your her of top of that through no fault of your own, especially if your sister maintains a relationship with her.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 03:20

You are never, ever going to get what you want and need from your mother. Bringing back into your life would be a huge mistake.

Coyoacan · 08/08/2022 03:42

I honestly cannot advise as, if I were in your position, I doubt I would be able to forgive. But a friend of mine managed to forgive her father who was extremely physically violent with her as an adolescent and I think it helped her.

DdraigGoch · 08/08/2022 06:21

when do you forgive someone?

When they acknowledge what they did wrong and make amends.

As she's still with him, she clearly has no plans to do that.

hattie43 · 08/08/2022 06:25

You forgive when your mother acknowledges what you went through and apologises

Pinkspice · 08/08/2022 06:33

Coyoacan · 08/08/2022 03:42

I honestly cannot advise as, if I were in your position, I doubt I would be able to forgive. But a friend of mine managed to forgive her father who was extremely physically violent with her as an adolescent and I think it helped her.

Yes but this woman is still colluding with OP's abuser by staying married to them. I don't think there's room for real forgiveness without remorse and acknowledgment. I think the OP would find it retraumatising to spend time with this woman. What if she starts nonchalantly chatting about SF? What if she makes some comment about OP being estranged from her?

It's not worth spoiling such an important occasion and this woman is not ready to rebuild a healthy relationship because if she were, she would have reached out and apologised and shown remorse. She will never be the mother you want her to be as it's all about her and her needs.

I'm so sorry you experienced this and she let you down so badly.

Congratulations on your wonderful achievement! Have you got a lovely friend you could take? If you were my friend I'd love to celebrate it with you.

Onandupw · 08/08/2022 06:39

You don’t have to forgive her to be able to come to terms with it and let it go into the background of your life - two different things.

i had a very abusive childhood - have not and will not forgiven either of them. But I am a long way towards coming to terms with it - part of which has been letting go of the unrealistic idea that they will ever be capable of having a good relationship with me

Justasec321 · 08/08/2022 06:39

I think you forgive your mother whenever you want to. It is your journey, not hers.

You reconcile with your mother when YOU BOTH decide.

Forgiveness will set you on a path of freedom.

Reconciliation could break your heart all over again.

SaintHelena · 08/08/2022 07:32

Do you know your DMs childhood circumstances.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/08/2022 07:34

Surely though forgiveness has to earned or at least asked for. Not only that but forgiving is one thing forgetting is another thing entirely. Why is it that some women and indeed men are that desperate to not be single they'll allow a cunt (and cunt doesn't even begin to cover it) to put their disgusting hands on their child. It doesn't bare thinking of and it makes me feel sick and cold but if anyone put their hands on mine its not fit for print what I'd do to them. Divorce would be very least of their worries.
Your mother is a disgrace to be honest.
I can understand fully though you wanting her to see your success. However I don't think any good will come of seeing her again

Onandupw · 08/08/2022 07:36

@SaintHelena whatevwe they may be - and indeed would not be at all suprisinf if rheee was abuse there too - absolutely no excuse whatsoever

RedHelenB · 08/08/2022 07:38

So your sister denied she was ever sexually abused?
And I assume nothing came of the court case?

Are you 100% sure your mother knew? If so then I'd keep no contact personally, if not I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/08/2022 08:23

RedHelenB · 08/08/2022 07:38

So your sister denied she was ever sexually abused?
And I assume nothing came of the court case?

Are you 100% sure your mother knew? If so then I'd keep no contact personally, if not I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.

The sister could have been in denial about the abuse and may have completely blocked it out rather that consciously denying it. Denial could be her only way of coping with it or it genuinely may not have happene to her.