Reconnect with mother after sexual abuse

[TedLassorules]

From age of 11 my SF was abusive sexually to me and my sister. Cut a story short my mother chose to stay with him despite us putting in a court case against him about the abuse. She is still with him..I am early 50’s now and I cut contact with her from the age of 20 as she would never admit he had did these things to me and sis. I have a pretty successful academic career, about to qualify with a PhD and wonder if I should invite mother to my graduation? Sounds weird, but when do you forgive someone?

Some thoughts:
You've done really well, particularly considering your history.
You deserve a celebratory day, free of drama and untainted by your history.
Your mother hasn't contributed to your success.
You will always wish she had behaved differently, and always have a hole where a protective mum should be.
She will never be able to go back and be the mum she should have been.

I don't think you've anything to gain by approaching her. If the day comes that she has regrets, let her approach you and demonstrate how she's changed.

Your mother doesn’t deserve to be part of your celebrations, and huge congrats on your PHD. x

I think inviting her to your graduation would be a mistake. It would no doubt ruin an otherwise positive day for your.

I also doubt you will get what you seek from your mum (remorse etc) so if you do want to forgive her it probably needs to be something you do, without any apology or remorse from her.

I am sorry you went through this.

Nope. She, will ruin your well deserved celebration. Not because anything will happen, because she will not live up to the mother you want. You will be devastated all over again - don't do it to yourself.
Do you have someone close you could ask?

Very sorry to hear OP. I’m in a similar situation. I made excuses for my mother for many years but ended up cutting contact except for Christmas cards. It’s very sad and hard to come to terms with. Just know that you’re not alone. Unthinkable as it may be, apparently about 50% of women stay with the abuser after CSA is revealed.

You forgive when someone convinces you they're sorry.

She doesn't deserve forgiveness.

Has she ever made an effort to reconnect?

congratulations on your huge achievements. You should be very proud of what you've done despite them.

I would never forgive that.

To me it is completely incomprehensible that a mother would choose to side with the man who is abusing her children.

There is never any excuse for that type of behaviour.

She protected and is still protecting a child abuser. Why would you want someone like that in your life?

Should you invite the woman who was complicit in your sexual abuse as a child to your PhD graduation?

That's the question, because she doesn't deserve the term "mother" other than as a biological reference.

A massive congratulations on completing your PhD! 🎉🎉🎉 I hope you enjoy your day with people around who love, support and enjoy you.

PS re forgiveness, it's a PhD subject on its own. Bottom line is that even if she were to split up with SF and offer heartfelt apologies, you still don't need to forgive her. Additionally, it's also possible to forgive her without her doing any of that, but stay NC with her forever.

I will never be reaching out to my mother after the same thing happened to me. I am not sure what you are hoping for?
I'm 60 and on the occasions I have seen her at family weddings and so on she has had a very snotty attitude towards me as if to say who do you think you are.
There has been no recognition of my considerable achievements despite having complex PTSD and no interest in me or my family.
There will be no joyous reunion. She chose a paedophile over her own children. A paedophile she is still with.
I think you have to understand that your mother has gone. Its taken me all these years to understand this. It's beyond forgiveness, she just isn't your mother any more. She chose this path.

She was not the mother you wanted or needed. She still isn't . Nothing will make her so. You need to accept that. It's not your fault or your failure, you don't have to prove you're "worthy". It's her failure as a mother and human being. She is who she is and you need to accept that.

Forgiving her in the hope that she'll become the mother she should've been is a descent to madness and will only harm and breed more hurt , resentment and possibly once again mess with your head/self esteem.

Huge congrats on your achievement. Enjoy it with the people who have been their for you.
if your DM reached out to you and ack and apologised then forgiveness can start. Before that I would be NC. I understand in an idea world you want to have your DM their with you but it isn’t and she let you down when you do so needed her. She has made her choice and in doing so has lost you. That is her problem not urs.
best wishes in your career.

Congrats on your PhD.

First of all, why is that you want to reconnect with her? Is it to put the past behind you and start afresh, or is it because you think that reconnecting with her will finally make her admit what happened, apologise and leave her husband? Because I suspect that if that's what you want, you will be disappointed and hurt all over again. I think if you decide to reconnect with her, you must think very, very carefully about what you want from that and how you might feel if you don't get it.

If you have accepted that you will never get any admission and apology from her, and you can cope with being in contact with someone who still lives with the man who abused you (and I don't think I could, in your situation) then by all means get in touch with her. But if your hope is that something will change in her attitude, then I think you are opening yourself up, potentially, to be hurt all over again.

If you do want to reconnect with her, I also think that a formal, very public occasion - meant to be a celebration of your incredible achievement - is not the best time and place to do that. You deserve to have your day in the spotlight without it being overshadowed by the additional stress and worry of having someone there that you have very negative associations with and whose company might bring back a whole lot of difficult and upsetting emotions.

If you want to get in touch with her, maybe something a lot more low-key. Perhaps you could send her a graduation photo and a brief note afterwards and see what happens? But do take care of yourself and proceed with caution.

As others have said, there is a huge difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

You can forgive your mother any time you like / when you want to. But you don't even need to tell her - forgiveness is actually a pretty private thing.

Reconciliation is between both of you. And as pp have also said, that may not be in your best interests or even possible.

I could never forgive her personally to put this man before her children is unforgivable to me. X