Mother's neglect

[Tarnya73]

I'm condensing this amap cos it would take forever. My grandparents raised me, my mother and I are autistic, I have 3 autistic kids. Mother was neglectful. She would put bfs before me, scream at me if she had an upset with them. Was late to pick me up take me to the pub and ignore me. Good example of her behaviour I was 13, her bfs nephew was 27, stalked me, I liked having attention and someone like me. I didn't understand more than that. I didn't know he and his partner, my mums friend were getting married, invitations sent out, the works. When it all got found out, instead of talking to me about pedophiles, my mother slapped me round the face so hard I nearly fell over, because her friend had been hurt. Just an example. We have been getting on great last few years. A few weeks ago I was arranging mobility car for my kids, found the advance payment had gone up from £200 to £1600. So I asked mum if I could borrow ,£1000. Barring in mind my mother never has poor partners her husband is well off. They had just booked 3 years worth of holidays. I thought they would not mind. The answer was no. Now I have some mental health problems due to stress, and I flipped, I was so hurt, that she did not care about my children. My Dr says it was ptsd that made it happen. I was so hurt for my children, I threw everything she had made me go through as a child at her. Wrong I know. After I became ill, was assigned a mental health nurse, had a seizure due to stress levels, felt generally not right. When I came out of it my son had been telling my mum, she had offered to come down, he said no as I was to have no stress. I tried to apologise to my mother. Her husband emailed, and said, hope u feeling better. I replied getting there, just wanted to say sorry to mum, I don't remember all of it but I didn't mean to say those things. He replies your mother has supported u for 50 years we are fed up of your excuses u are a spoiled brat etc. I was shocked, told him mental health and ptsd are not excuse, and if they knew that they would understand. As they didn't, let's just go our separate ways. I can't believe that man, or my mother. AIBU just can't put up with it anymore.

She's a vile excuse for a human being let alone mother. Cut her out and move on.

Bless you OP.

Your mum is unlikely to change. I know you love her and want her not to be the way she is, but my advice is to keep emotional distance and stop longing for her to be the mum you need and want.

💐💐

It sounds like she is lucky you've kept her in your life til now... however it sounds like there are some serious allegations and trauma surrounding this situation. Mumsnet is great for a vent but I really think you need to work through this with a psychologist or Councillor

All the back story is kind of irrelevant - you asked your mum to lend you a large sum of money, she said no, and you flipped out and abused her. Your childhood doesn't sound good, but that doesn't mean she owes you money, or that it's OK to treat her like shit when she doesn't give it to you.

Agree with this. Family relationships are rarely clear cut, especially with autism in the mix too. People can see things very differently so she may not agree with your assessment of your childhood, I'm not saying that you are wrong just that she may not see it that way.
Ultimately she and her husband are not obliged to lend you money no matter how much they have so to abuse them for that was wrong on your part

It might be bet to have some distance between you, either for a short time to cool off or for longer if your relationship is not worth saving

She sounds awful and no one would blame you for having no contact with her from now on.

But that also means you can’t ask her for anything like support or money.

I would take a few days to think about the reality of not having her in your life at all.

My mum was neglectful growing up and has always had bad MH issues.
I still see and speak to her and we get on well but I never ask her for anything and I don’t want that sort of relationship with her.

Is this the first time you’ve asked to borrow money?
£1000 is a lot to borrow.

You shouldn't have asked to borrow money from her. Shes not been a part of your life and it is a lot of money to ask, Its her money and you are not entitled to it.
Why did you flip after she said no? You cannot assume someone else's money is yours.

It sounds like your life would be so much more peaceful without her in it.

So I asked mum if I could borrow ,£1000. Barring in mind my mother never has poor partners her husband is well off
Totally irrelevant. She was entitled to refuse without you kicking off.

I totally agree. I would never normally behave that way. My Dr thinks it's ptsd and it was going to happen some time. I had a breakdown at Xmas, that is still on going. Dr thinks the car was the last straw. And I just flipped then had a seizure due to extreme stress. I did try and apologise but mu stepdad, who thinks my mum is perfect stopped me. Its not really about money for me, but my mum is obsessed with money and having a good time.

Also when my nan died my mother demanded that I gave some of my children's inheritance, even though they are loaded. There wasn't much and its gone now bc sen kids cost a fortune.

You have had a lot of trauma in your life. Have you considered counseling?

She is aware of what she had done, but days she can't remember most of it bc she had a stroke. Its not really about money, it was stress tbh.

Yes, I've asked her to help our with things for the kids a couple of times max amount ,,£100.

I think u are right. This has got more to do with mental illness, which my stepdad said is an excuse. He says she had supported me for 50 years, but that's not true. She never came to a sports day, parents evening, school play, not a thing. She always never let me see my dad, not even a picture and now he is dead. He did want me, so I don't understand why she didn't just give me to Jim.

At 50 you know your DM owes you nothing financially. It sounds like she's decided on NC but that's probably a good idea right now.
Your GP can't diagnose PTSD, a psychologist might be a good idea if you can get a referral.
On a different note, Motability have a charity that helps with upfront payments if that car is the one you need and don't have savings. Give them a ring.

You said it yourself. It was never about the money. Unfortunately, that is how your step father is going to see it (has he been on the scene long enough to know what she is like as a mother?)

I'm so sorry for all you have been through. I don't think this woman is ever going to give you what you need.

Do you have other supportive people in your life? I think you need to find another avenue for emotional help even if it ends up being counselling.

The relationship board on here has an on going thread called "Stately Homes" which people in similar situations have found helpful.

It's not really about money, dr says it's ptsd stress from adult autistic kids, and the car was my brains shutdown point. Apparently people go off on one quite often when the brain cannot take anymore stress. And deep down pain from how she has treated me, just made me go at her. I'm never ever like this usually, I don't really know what's happening to me.

It was a psychologist that diagnosed ptsd.

The rest of my family is dead or lives miles away and we are not in contact. I feel better for coming on here, even if people disagree with me I can see both sides. It was never about the money, she doesn't have to give me anything I know that. It was the car, it was the last straw. The psychologist thinks so to.

It all came out at her bc the pain just exploded. It's the aftermath, I'm trying to work on, and am a bit stuck. I would never usually behave that way.

She behaves in a different way around him. She's been with him 23 years. He is similar to her, they have lent his daughter the same amount, not that it's relevant. I'm seeing the mental health team. All the professionals sau the same last straw over car, my brain couldn't take anymore stress. They feel that when an abuser is someone close it's quite likely the person trying to cope eventually won't be able to.

I can't take a few days to think it over, bc my main priority is to apologise. I don't want to be like her and my stepdad. They are having to move bc he has lost a lot of friends, being so loud aggressive in his tone, and constantly making jokes about my mother, not many people like him, but he is in the way here, if I can't say I'm sorry I can't move forward.

I think you need to go NC. You shouldn't be letting a toxic person into your life.

I would create one very long email, saying all the things you need to say, Get it all down then send it. Block and never think of it again.. let go and start trying to heal. The email wont matter to her, but it matters to you, Your simply putting everything you went through as a CHILD! onto paper and letting go of your feelings with it.

Move on with your life and care for your children.

Also yes apologise in your letter .. For thinking a parent should help her children if she can, for thinking a parent should raise her child right and not neglect them or let them be stalked by pedos and then handing them over to grandparents.