Mother's neglect

[Tarnya73]

I'm condensing this amap cos it would take forever. My grandparents raised me, my mother and I are autistic, I have 3 autistic kids. Mother was neglectful. She would put bfs before me, scream at me if she had an upset with them. Was late to pick me up take me to the pub and ignore me. Good example of her behaviour I was 13, her bfs nephew was 27, stalked me, I liked having attention and someone like me. I didn't understand more than that. I didn't know he and his partner, my mums friend were getting married, invitations sent out, the works. When it all got found out, instead of talking to me about pedophiles, my mother slapped me round the face so hard I nearly fell over, because her friend had been hurt. Just an example. We have been getting on great last few years. A few weeks ago I was arranging mobility car for my kids, found the advance payment had gone up from £200 to £1600. So I asked mum if I could borrow ,£1000. Barring in mind my mother never has poor partners her husband is well off. They had just booked 3 years worth of holidays. I thought they would not mind. The answer was no. Now I have some mental health problems due to stress, and I flipped, I was so hurt, that she did not care about my children. My Dr says it was ptsd that made it happen. I was so hurt for my children, I threw everything she had made me go through as a child at her. Wrong I know. After I became ill, was assigned a mental health nurse, had a seizure due to stress levels, felt generally not right. When I came out of it my son had been telling my mum, she had offered to come down, he said no as I was to have no stress. I tried to apologise to my mother. Her husband emailed, and said, hope u feeling better. I replied getting there, just wanted to say sorry to mum, I don't remember all of it but I didn't mean to say those things. He replies your mother has supported u for 50 years we are fed up of your excuses u are a spoiled brat etc. I was shocked, told him mental health and ptsd are not excuse, and if they knew that they would understand. As they didn't, let's just go our separate ways. I can't believe that man, or my mother. AIBU just can't put up with it anymore.

OP, you say that your ASD children are adults. I know nothing about the system - what is the level of care you still have to provide for them?
If it is significant, the strain of 3 adult autistic children who are far enough into the spectrum to need mobility arrangements must mean your stress is unmanageable.
What joy do you secure for yourself day-to-day?
As for the £1000, unless you’re independently wealthy then why do you have to find this? Again, I don’t know the system but I wouldn’t have that lying around.

I agree regarding the NC but don’t do the passive aggressive sarcastic apology bit. Your mum has no empathy and is possibly ASD herself - she’ll think you’re being genuine.

You poor thing OP 💐
I'm sorry things have been so shite.
You have been building to all this as your GP said, and its very hard to not resent a parent who's created such huge trauma for you.
I don't think you asked for something unrealistic if money to your parents isn't much of an issue to them.
I know I'd rather my children asked me for anything they needed, if I have it to gift or loan, I'd want to help.
You didn't ask for a new bag or pair of shoes, you asked for help with your kids transport and presumably you'd have repaid her when you could?
I really wish you and your kids all the best. Don't beat yourself up over this, you just wanted to be put first, I don't think it's brattish, I think it's quite understandable, you've had a meltdown after everything going on. Don't be tough on yourself, give yourself space and focus on your kids.
Hope you get the motorbility car you need for the kids.
Also OP, don't forget life has been super stressful since the first lockdown and especially with SEN kids, not saying before someone suggests I am, you're allowed to verbally abuse your ma, I'm not, I'm just saying, you've been carrying a fuckload on your shoulders with no release. You just wanted your kids to come first and the fact they never tipped you over the edge.
You've got the next few weeks until kids are back in school, focus on making it as fun as you can for you all and maybe then see how you're feeling regarding trying again with your mam. X

I volunteer at a rescue centre, I bring half the animals home, and have some lovely friends. I'm not like the person that shouted at my mother. She is like it. I don't myself and I'm seeing everyone that can help me. I just terrible that my brain took over my mouth kind of.

It's true I did want her to care about the children. They are in their 20s but need a lot of support in a lot of ways like children. I can't gey to my mother as stepdad in the way. I think I will leave it for a while, and concentrate on my family. Thank u all for your support, and even if u didn't agree with me, it all helps.

I would have been genuine if I wrote a letter. She has done horrible things, even though it was stress I still said awful things, all if them were true, but I don't have the right to do that.

The advance payments on mobility were around £200 for a large estate car, now they are £1600 bc of various eu, government stuff. I volunteer at an animal sanctuary it helps me cope. My kids need a lot of therapy so I trained myself and now do therapy at home, bc NHS help ends. My children are very aware but emotionally immature, and have terrible mh problems.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, they have no obligation to give you money, but it sounds like a cry for help, a last ditch plea for some of the support from a parent (not even necessarily financial) that anyone would hope for, even if not expect and you were rejected once again. They see it as your entitlement you see it as being let down again.

It doesn't sound as though you are ready to go no contact (wanting to apologise and move forward) which is up to you, but maybe step back. Are your appointments with the GP/psychiarist on going?

Thank u random thoughts xx

Hmm OP this sounds tough. It sounds like you know you shouldn't have blown up on her. But I wonder if your relationship with your mum is healthy. It seems she is still failing to recognise her failures, and putting it all on to you - as she did when you were a child. While you are desperate to apologise and get her approval again. It sounds like you are both still in the same toxic dynamic that your experienced during your childhood and it sounds unhealthy.

Could you take a step back from your relationship? Or at least talk to your therapist about doing so?