PIL after birth of DC - AIBU?

[Jane2711]

Hey everyone, just looking for a bit of advice RE the in law situation after the birth of my child in April. The relationship has really seemed to sour since the birth of our child. This began when MIL invited herself to stay for a week when our child was born, DP let her down gently by telling her we did not want this and wanted to bond with DC ourselves. This was fine.

DP 30th birthday was one week after DCs due date, MIL reached out to organise a big party for him, I politely rejected and said we did not want that as we did not know how we would feel when baby was born.

There is nothing wrong with offering, I am just including this as part of the story.

DC was born 3 weeks early as I had to have an emergency c section, he is 17 weeks now but DC stopped growing due to me contracting covid-19 towards the end of my pregnancy. DC spent 2 weeks in hospital after birth and us calling an ambulance first night he was home due to him not being able to regulate his body temperature and being diagnosed with hyperthermia, inability to feed so he was tube fed, jaundice - basically he was behaving prematurely and needed a bit of help at the start of his life. I expressed breast milk 8-12 a day at home and I brought his milk up to hospital, DC never learned to latch, as he became used to the bottle, so I am expressing for him and have been doing this for 17 weeks. I have been diagnosed with PPD and PPA, which was triggered by our rocky start. I am getting support for this, but I struggled letting people hold DC at the start. Now I am much more comfortable, and I let people hold him once I have settled into my surroundings. MIL and FIL were understanding at first, but when I let MIL hold him she started kissing him. DP had words with her that she can have as much cuddles as she wants but not kissing (DC was also diagnosed with a low immune system in hospital, and having PPA, this is always in the back of my mind which is also why I have kept expressing milk even though it’s a bastard). DP said to MIL 3 times about kissing DC, he told her when I was there and two seconds later she done it again and said sorry she forgot. At this point, I’m starting to get really uncomfortable in her company.

Every-time I changed DC, FIL would tell MIL to go through and she would start changing him with me. I felt over whelmed as we never saw them much before, DP understood but he always tried to defend them as just being excited.

FIL and MIL are not in contact with their other son, and have not seen him or their other grand children in 4 years (I think they were very manipulative towards him and he went NC). We told FIL and MIL that they were DC god parents and they did not reply and looked genuinely gutted. We also told them that our son would be going to a catholic school and they started questioning why.

They had never been like this before and I always felt relaxed round them, at this point DP is starting to feel uncomfortable too.

Earlier on this week, we visit FIL and MIL. FIL comes up to me, does not say hello, and tries to take DC from me. DC needed fed as he has been crying the whole way there. I explain that I am going to feed him, and he walks away in a mood. I am feeding DC and MIL says ‘if you’re not feeding him can I get a hold’. FIL says ‘maybe when she’s done feeding I can get a hold’. I start feeling very overwhelmed and start shaking, but continue to feed DC. After this, MIL and FIL sit in silence for 30 minutes ignoring us even though we are trying to make conversation until my DP gets up and says he is leaving. MIL starts crying and says ‘but we’ve done nothing wrong!’. DP says you are making me feel so uncomfortable, and he gets emotional and walks out. We don’t mind lots of cuddles, but we were trying to feed DC first and settle in which they could not understand.

I say to FIL I’m sorry if I didn’t pass him right away, but I’m feeding him and you know how I am feeling. He then shouts at me and says ‘he’s 16 weeks old now man I don’t understand how you’re feeling’ to which I respond if you can’t understand you can’t be in my life, and walk out. He then makes a comment about not seeing him as much as he would have liked, and I responded you were suppose to visit last week but did not drive over as it was raining (this was his excuse). We have not heard from them since. DP is unsure if he wants to keep contact, but I’m just looking for advice on this whole situation as it’s been quite distressing. I felt FIL totally dismissed my mental health and he made me feel that because it no longer suits them, he’s 16 weeks old and I should be back to normal. I also feel MIL is deluded to what’s actually going on and how over bearing she is. DP described them as vultures, nothing feels natural around them, we keep needing to set boundaries with them but nobody else. My own parents have been totally fine, however I haven’t seen them in a few weeks as they have been loaded with the cold and covid.

I think they wanted a different start with their GC, they wanted to watch him alone (MIL offered me and DP going for dinner when he was a few days old so she could baby sit. I said no, this was before he was born but I just knew I wanted to be alone and bond), see us more often, but that’s not been the case as me and DP are finding our feet and have struggled with the constant demand of people wanting to DC after his rocky start. It doesn’t help that I’ve naturally been avoiding them as I feel they have been quite over bearing, but we have tried to talk and they haven’t listened or they listen for a few days. For example telling MIL how anxious I am but then she kisses my child despite our wishes it seems 0-100 real quick.

I hope this all makes sense, me and DP are at a loss but he said he can no longer defend them which is a shame as it’s his parents. He has been totally supportive.

AIBU for being so upset I am considering NC?

YABU

They are DH’s parents and he should get to make the decision about NC.

They don’t sound particularly wonderful but I am not sure that what you have describes warrants no contact on its own. As part of a bigger picture, perhaps….

From what you have said I think the issues stem from them not understanding anything about mental health issues at all.

The most important person for you to look after at the moment is yourself, followed by your baby and then husband. If you don't have enough energy left to placate the in-laws after that then just back off of interacting with them until you are feeling a bit better. Going NC seems a bit much considering what has happened so far but if you need space temporarily to make sure you are ok then that is fine.

Oh I should’ve said it’s part of the bigger picture, DP can have contact but I’m not really wanting too until I know I can be comfortable in their presence and concentrate getting myself back to normal. I meant NC from myself, not him.

His brother has NC due to suffering emotional abuse from them for years, I’m worried history is repeating itself.

YANBU at all.
Ultimately it's DP's decision as to whether he continues any kind of contact, but it's your right to decide that you no longer want to see them - and as for baby, that should be a joint decision, but given everything you've told us, it would not be unreasonable to say you don't want them to see baby either.
There's a reason DP's sibling is NC with them.
People with no experience of toxic parents/PILs won't get it and will say YABU but they have no idea (luckily for them).
Wishing you a speedy recovery from your postnatal MH issues

You ooor thing. I am so sorry that parenthood has started like this for you.

Hopefully, things will settle down. As DC grows (and hopefully thrives), you will feel calmer. People can get ridiculously excited over newborns (esp grandparents). I had something similar, but not as extreme. Thankfully I live 1,000 miles away from my IL but we still had to tell MIL that she couldn't be in the room as I gave birth and that as our DC were EBF, she couldn't take them out for the day in their first year. It did not go well, but I took the hit as the 'controlling DIL'.

You can go NC if you wish. You cannot, however, make DH or DC go NC. If DH remains in contact or even LC, and decides in the future to take DC on a visit, you can't stop that, even if you don't like it.

It does sound like DH is standing his ground in what is best for his DC and DW, and as long as that continues, I would follow his lead. Be open and honest about your anxieties, and discuss them with him. Together you move forward... but you decide what is right for you.

Good luck!

Thank you very much generics bunny. This makes sense, I may calm down in a few weeks and feel ready to restart our relationship. I don’t think they understand, I think they did until it no longer suited them, I just wish they’d understand or at least ask what’s been going on.

YANBU. I think it’s completely understandable how you’re feeling given that he was ill at the start. We had to call an ambulance for DD1 the day after she born as she was floppy and wouldn’t wake. It turned out to be due to low blood sugars due to a tongue tie meaning she wasn’t breastfeeding efficiently. It was quickly figured out and sorted but it really shook me up and definitely made me more anxious at the start. I was probably far more over protective than I would have been otherwise and my parents were very overbearing and like your DPs parents they weren’t getting the ‘grandparent experience’ (their words 🙄) that they expected. It took a long time for our relationship to return to normal. Do what you’re comfortable with, if that’s needing some space for them for now then do that. I would ask your DP what he wants to do though, and if he chooses to have contact with them you will need to accept that he may want to take DC with him.

That being said, the fact that they’re already NC with one son and pushing away another doesn’t reflect well on them. I think some grandparents get very baby obsessed and don’t think about how selfish they’re being.

I think you need to set some boundaries first with what you feel comfortable with - e.g visit them every two-three weeks so you can leave when you want, don't have them come visit you for now of it's hard to get them to leave, say they'll be told when you feel comfortable for them to hold baby, they don't need to keep asking, tell them the 'no kisses' is doctors' orders and not up for discussion and say they'll be told when they can mind baby on their own but that it won't be for a good while. For the record, my baby was I think 15 months before my husband and I left him to go out for a couple of hours one evening (we were back for his bedtime) and this was with my parents, I don't know if I'll ever leave him with in laws so you do what you need to do - best of luck xx

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. From the way you described it, it seems as though they see your child as a squishy cute object for them to fuss over rather than YOUR offspring that you are ‘in charge’ of. It’s sad that they can’t seem to grasp the idea of you being in control of the way your child is raised or the idea that you’re experiencing ppd, especially after what I imagine was a traumatic birth experience. This just shows they lack empathy and frankly only care about what they want. If it were me, as soon as they ignored a request I would’ve distanced myself. As someone who grew up with an extremely toxic parent, I can say if the signs are there DONT ignore them. Your partners brother going NC is a huge red flag to me and I think you’re right about history repeating itself. At the end of the day, it’s your child and nobody, not even grandparents, have a say in anything if you don’t want them to. Anybody saying yabu has obviously never experienced this kind of toxic, narcissistic family dynamic. I think you should have a serious conversation with your partner about the future of your relationship with them because it’s about your child at the end of the day. If they emotionally abused your brother in law for years, why wouldn’t they do the same to your child? This is what pushed me to go NC with my ignoring narc mother. Whatever they did to their children, they will do to yours if given the chance. Wishing you and your little family all the best and wishing you a speedy recovery❤️

YANBU at all. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean they get to behave in a toxic manner.

It's his parents,he said they are like vultchers and make him uncomfortable.

Don't make any big decisions,just go with the flow.
You will often find these types of people are hard to get through too!!

You and your baby are the most important people right now and you shouldn't be around anyone who cant understand that and put you first.

I am all for going NC when needed, but I think this is a difficult one.

For instance, when you arrived and FIL went to take DS, I would have gladly let him take DS for a few minutes whilst I took coat off, washed hands, warmed bottle.

However, I think perhaps you don’t trust PIL. Partly because DS is more delicate than a term baby and partly because PIL have not shown themselves to be trustworthy. It sounds like part of their behaviour is because they don’t understand mental health nor neonatal health, rather than out of malice.

Perhaps some time out and then, when you have more energy, a meeting to discuss boundaries, expectations and consequences. If they still behave in a way that is difficult, then think about what your relationship with PIL will look like in the future.

DP described them as vultures

me and DP are at a loss but he said he can no longer defend them which is a shame as it’s his parents

I think in the first instance you have to let your DP take the lead. If he wants to go NC/LC that's his decision to make. There is obviously a back story here that you've touched on. His brother is NC because of emotional abuse, but you're asking him and his partner to be godparents. That suggests that DP completely recognises what his brother went through and supports him. Therefore they can't be completely good people who are just 'excited'. I'd be wary of them, they may not understand mental health issues but it sounds rather more like they don't care, they just want ride roughshod over anything you ask of them.

This is it exactly- they’re not people who are basically nice but excited, they want to ride roughshod over you whenever they like, because they think you should do what they want and not what you want. Anyone who tried to take my baby out of my arms and shouted at me would have been unwelcome in my house to say the least. MIL is asked not to kiss the baby then immediately does it and goes “oops sorry”. She’s playing a game and knows exactly what she’s doing. It’s her way of saying she’ll do whatever she wants and you can’t stop her.
There’s clearly a backstory in this family with the way they treated their other son. They don’t deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all the advice.

FIL is a bit of an unusual guy - very set in his ways. A lot of family members have issues with FIL and MIL, not just their son and other DIL who have no contact. It’s a very broken family with a lot of people refusing contact with them. I just don’t think ill ever get over the way he shouted at me, but I’m at peace knowing it’s not just been me.

my BIL who has no contact, it was explained to me that they gave their DD McDonald’s and lots of sweets when they were asked not to, and drinking when they put her to bed which they were not comfortable with. A few other issues pre grand children which BIL just cant forgive and it seems to be a build up of emotional abuse and manipulation - I’ve always given the benefit of the doubt as DP believed they had changed and we’ve had a great relationship up until DS was born. BIL said to DP they are masters of emotional abuse and he looked like a prick defending them for so long. The brothers have each others back, they are great guys.

Me and DP had a conversation after I posted this, I told him he can take the lead and I’ll respect what he chooses, albeit I’m not sure what I’ll personally do but I respect his choice. He said he thinks after the argument me and him had a massive break through, as he got to actually understand no witness how they have been making me feel. He’s a lot more at peace with how I’ve been feeling and he understands.

he told me he’s felt uncomfortable around his dad for a while and his mum, and he doesn’t know if it will ever be the same so I’m just going to let him think.

a lot of interesting and helpful replies, thank you everyone. Open to more if anyone wants to comment 😊

This was when their other grand daughter was one*

@Namechanger965 oh my goodness. I am so sorry you went through this, having a traumatic experience definitely makes the beginning of your parenting journey a lot harder and nerve wracking, it’s a melting pot for post natal disorders. I’m so glad your DD was ok.

@FictionalCharacter that’s exactly how I felt, that she was playing a game. She kissed him and my DP said mum remember no kissing (this was after 3 separate times telling her) and she kissed him again and said oops I forgot. DP at first said she just forgot and she’s just doaty but I’m 99% he’s realising now. DP isn’t daft.

@SQLserved totally agree, under normal circumstances we would love to just pass our DS over, and this definitely stems from trust. I’ve explained to everyone let me settle down, see to DS and when I’m relaxed lots of cuddles. I do this with everyone, I feel when I’m relaxed my anxiety is a lot better. When I said no FIL hovered over me with his arms out for about 30 seconds, DP said he felt sick with nerves. I hope this makes sense!

I forgot to add something to the story - when DS was crying MIL said to me you don’t want your mummy you want your gran. This was around about the time with us speaking to her about kissing and his low immune system etc.

I’m so sorry, that sounds stressful :(

Yuck! And not helpful when mum has PPD and PPA.

It sounds like the problems started before baby came along. Did you turn down their offer to organise a party for their son's 30th on his behalf, or was he in agreement?
To me, you sound a bit fussy and precious. I was at the more laidback scale of parenting though, and can't much relate to the posts about not wanting babies to be kissed and touched. But we're all different, and your in-laws don't sound easy!

@mycatisannoying DP is introverted and didn’t want a party, I spoke with him first.

I put on the post DS was premature and had low white blood cell count (low immune system) so we were advised and decided to be extra cautious. Nobody wants to go down that route, not everyone has the birth they planned. I’m like this becauce I witnessed DS in hospital for 2 weeks which brought on PPD and PPA, as stated in my post ☺️

I don't think that the situation needs to be beyond repair, it does need dp to take hold of the situation and lead his parents and help them calm down their behaviour,
once they relax they will probably be fine, obviously possible that they aren't but worth your dp really giving it a go and if not at least he tried. But he needs to sit them down away from anyone else and speak to them in no uncertain terms and make it clear that it is them that need to address their issues.

I think you're doing the right thing as you say in one of your later posts you're letting DP take the lead on this. Especially since you're able to have honest conversations with him about it and he is supportive.

Your PIL do sound overbearing, and the traumatic start to your baby's life will no doubt be amplifying your response to their behaviour. I was very anxious for the first few weeks off my baby's life and it would annoy me if family members demanded 'a hold' when baby was due a feed, or passed baby around too much (I created a post on this).

Over time I have relaxed and now use it to my advantage. For example we had family visiting this week. I fed LO just before they arrived, and after we said quick hellos I asked if they wouldn't mind having a cuddle while I finished getting ready (of course they didn't). That said, I've only felt comfortable doing this he's become a lot sturdier and I am more attuned to his temperament. I'm also more confident in taking him back when I need to, or spotting when he's getting fed up and needs s bit of time on the mat or a nap.