Hey everyone, just looking for a bit of advice RE the in law situation after the birth of my child in April. The relationship has really seemed to sour since the birth of our child. This began when MIL invited herself to stay for a week when our child was born, DP let her down gently by telling her we did not want this and wanted to bond with DC ourselves. This was fine.
DP 30th birthday was one week after DCs due date, MIL reached out to organise a big party for him, I politely rejected and said we did not want that as we did not know how we would feel when baby was born.
There is nothing wrong with offering, I am just including this as part of the story.
DC was born 3 weeks early as I had to have an emergency c section, he is 17 weeks now but DC stopped growing due to me contracting covid-19 towards the end of my pregnancy. DC spent 2 weeks in hospital after birth and us calling an ambulance first night he was home due to him not being able to regulate his body temperature and being diagnosed with hyperthermia, inability to feed so he was tube fed, jaundice - basically he was behaving prematurely and needed a bit of help at the start of his life. I expressed breast milk 8-12 a day at home and I brought his milk up to hospital, DC never learned to latch, as he became used to the bottle, so I am expressing for him and have been doing this for 17 weeks. I have been diagnosed with PPD and PPA, which was triggered by our rocky start. I am getting support for this, but I struggled letting people hold DC at the start. Now I am much more comfortable, and I let people hold him once I have settled into my surroundings. MIL and FIL were understanding at first, but when I let MIL hold him she started kissing him. DP had words with her that she can have as much cuddles as she wants but not kissing (DC was also diagnosed with a low immune system in hospital, and having PPA, this is always in the back of my mind which is also why I have kept expressing milk even though it’s a bastard). DP said to MIL 3 times about kissing DC, he told her when I was there and two seconds later she done it again and said sorry she forgot. At this point, I’m starting to get really uncomfortable in her company.
Every-time I changed DC, FIL would tell MIL to go through and she would start changing him with me. I felt over whelmed as we never saw them much before, DP understood but he always tried to defend them as just being excited.
FIL and MIL are not in contact with their other son, and have not seen him or their other grand children in 4 years (I think they were very manipulative towards him and he went NC). We told FIL and MIL that they were DC god parents and they did not reply and looked genuinely gutted. We also told them that our son would be going to a catholic school and they started questioning why.
They had never been like this before and I always felt relaxed round them, at this point DP is starting to feel uncomfortable too.
Earlier on this week, we visit FIL and MIL. FIL comes up to me, does not say hello, and tries to take DC from me. DC needed fed as he has been crying the whole way there. I explain that I am going to feed him, and he walks away in a mood. I am feeding DC and MIL says ‘if you’re not feeding him can I get a hold’. FIL says ‘maybe when she’s done feeding I can get a hold’. I start feeling very overwhelmed and start shaking, but continue to feed DC. After this, MIL and FIL sit in silence for 30 minutes ignoring us even though we are trying to make conversation until my DP gets up and says he is leaving. MIL starts crying and says ‘but we’ve done nothing wrong!’. DP says you are making me feel so uncomfortable, and he gets emotional and walks out. We don’t mind lots of cuddles, but we were trying to feed DC first and settle in which they could not understand.
I say to FIL I’m sorry if I didn’t pass him right away, but I’m feeding him and you know how I am feeling. He then shouts at me and says ‘he’s 16 weeks old now man I don’t understand how you’re feeling’ to which I respond if you can’t understand you can’t be in my life, and walk out. He then makes a comment about not seeing him as much as he would have liked, and I responded you were suppose to visit last week but did not drive over as it was raining (this was his excuse). We have not heard from them since. DP is unsure if he wants to keep contact, but I’m just looking for advice on this whole situation as it’s been quite distressing. I felt FIL totally dismissed my mental health and he made me feel that because it no longer suits them, he’s 16 weeks old and I should be back to normal. I also feel MIL is deluded to what’s actually going on and how over bearing she is. DP described them as vultures, nothing feels natural around them, we keep needing to set boundaries with them but nobody else. My own parents have been totally fine, however I haven’t seen them in a few weeks as they have been loaded with the cold and covid.
I think they wanted a different start with their GC, they wanted to watch him alone (MIL offered me and DP going for dinner when he was a few days old so she could baby sit. I said no, this was before he was born but I just knew I wanted to be alone and bond), see us more often, but that’s not been the case as me and DP are finding our feet and have struggled with the constant demand of people wanting to DC after his rocky start. It doesn’t help that I’ve naturally been avoiding them as I feel they have been quite over bearing, but we have tried to talk and they haven’t listened or they listen for a few days. For example telling MIL how anxious I am but then she kisses my child despite our wishes it seems 0-100 real quick.
I hope this all makes sense, me and DP are at a loss but he said he can no longer defend them which is a shame as it’s his parents. He has been totally supportive.
AIBU for being so upset I am considering NC?