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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send her to nursery

39 replies

dearmew · 06/08/2022 05:36

Hi everyone

I can't sleep as I'm thinking I'm about to make a big mistake.

I'm due to go back to work after maternity in 2 weeks. Have signed up DD to attend nursery 3x full days a week

The issue is that she's sooo attached to me.. at the moment I can't even go to the toilet without her screaming as she can't see where I am.

I left her with my mum the other day for 3 hours. She cried the entire time. Mum had to put her in the car and go for a drive as DD was making herself sick. She's not breastfed so it's not to do with feeding.

Aibu to send her to nursery?
Would you quit and stay at home? Financially I think we could afford it however with all the interest rates doing up/ energy bills etc. We could do with my salary. I'm so nervous this change will have a major impact on DD

Any advice? X

OP posts:
Mally100 · 06/08/2022 05:43

This is completely normal. Off course she's going to feel this way, she's been with you since she was born. She will adjust, just like anything that's new. I put my ds is full time nursery at 16m and I was a sahm! Although it was half days, he was extremely clingy but it was the best for him as he needed to adjust away from me as well. How old is your dd?

GiltEdges · 06/08/2022 05:45

How old is she?

Babies (and children in general) are remarkably resilient to change, but if she’s not really experienced leaving you before then it’s bound to be upsetting for her in the short term while she adjusts to a new routine.

So personally, I’d try it for at least a couple of months and see how she gets on. If you know that you can afford not to work then at least you can always quit if it doesn’t work out.

Pepperama · 06/08/2022 05:47

Any way to postpone by a couple of months or so? Sounds like she’s at the peak of separation anxiety at the moment. If needs must then needs must and don’t feel guilty, but if it’s possible to give her time to finish that developmental phase then it may be easier for both of you

HandScreen · 06/08/2022 05:57

Nursery is the best thing that will ever have happened to your baby, you'll see! It's totally normal to feel like you're feeling.

NewtoHolland · 06/08/2022 06:12

Ah my eldest was like this and its hard, basically she would cry at burst until nap and then cry until pick up for the first few weeks but she did settle and enjoy it in the end. It broke my hear a lot though! How old is your little one? My first two I returned to work when they were one, and it was peak seperation anxiety time which just felt like a mean time to have to start leaving them. My daughter this time I'm going back when she's 7months, people make faces when I tell them but I think it's an age she'll cope with the seperation better.
Can you do a phased return? So you build up her nursery time slowly? Or delay your return a few weeks and start her nursery time slowly? She will get there in the end ❤️

cavebaby · 06/08/2022 06:35

Do nursery offer settling sessions? If not can you arrange some shorter sessions before you go back to work to begin to gently get DD used to it?

treespeas · 06/08/2022 06:42

Let her go to nursery. They are magical people who will settle her. I had one of these limpets who also breastfed and not he just goes in with a smile

20viona · 06/08/2022 06:59

Sounds normal to me. Get her off to nursery.

KangarooKenny · 06/08/2022 07:00

Have you done a settling in session ? It would be wrong to just drop her off for the first day.

Titsflyingsouth · 06/08/2022 07:06

Can you do a phased return, it might be best to gradually build up the amount of time she spends in nursery?

Rinatinabina · 06/08/2022 07:06

Take her in a week early, DD went 5 days a week for half days and first day she made it half an hour before I picked her up again. We increased her exposure and left her for a little longer each day. The separation thing is totally normal. DD needed to be in physical contact with me constantly at this age.

By the third week she was still crying a bit at drop off but nursery sent me pics of her running about enjoying herself. By the second month she’d wake up on weekends and demand to be taken to nursery.

Also don’t forget they have had a lot of experience with COVID babies recently. The nursery manager told me it’s obviously always a bit difficult in the first few weeks (we use a term time nursery) but the first month open after restrictions was horrendous. So they are probably used to some seriously upset little ones now.

Batbatbatty · 06/08/2022 07:25

@dearmew knowing how old she is would be helpful!

Cotswoldmama · 06/08/2022 07:27

My son was like this! Luckily my husband took him to nursery as my shifts were too early. I think that helped. Luckily he really loved his key worker and at that age they have one to one care in the nursery room. The nursery would send photos every week and he was always with her, he even napped on her! It was so lovely that he had some else to comfort him. It was so lovely to see. He did slowly get better and I think going to nursery helped that. He started at 6 months and by about 8 months he was less clingy.

Sarah180818 · 06/08/2022 07:31

Nursery is amazing and they are used to children crying. She probably will cry for a while but she will settle and it will be good for both of you. I love picking mine up from nursery and hearing about their day.

Jfb23 · 06/08/2022 07:33

My little girl started nursery at 13 months. She was a lockdown baby so had only ever been looked after by me and my husband (although had spent lots of time my with parents, never really left alone for more than an hour or so). There was a few tears at nursery handover the first few weeks/ months, but now a year later she walks in and waves goodbye. We were invited to telephone and make sure she settled every time she cried, and we were always reassured that as soon as she saw toys and other toddlers she was fine. Throughout her whole life she's spent time with my parents, loves them and they also look after her 1 day a week. She can still cry when I leave her with my parents, sometimes even when I leave her with hubby, but nursery she wanders in and enjoys her whole day. What I'm trying to say is don't write it off before trying it.

Summerholidays204949393 · 06/08/2022 07:33

Hey Op as others have indicated separation anxiety is totally normal, it’s a learning process for babies and part of their development.
Nurseries are used to dealing with the little ones and it’s part of every day life for them.
my DD started full time nursery at six months and has loved it, she’s a confident sassy fiesty nearly three year old.

if you financially can afford it then consider it

ChocoButterfly · 06/08/2022 07:41

Can you postpone work for a week or two and have extra settling in sessions? That would make the whole process a lot less stressful.

Bumblenums · 06/08/2022 07:49

This was my daughter OP, the first couple of months will be hard- but you have to play the long game here- they will make lots of friends and a lot of them will go to the same primary. Watching her stroll in to reception with confidence and find all friends will be worth it! She will be fine x

PrincessesRUs · 06/08/2022 07:57

My daughter was the same. Cried with my mum even though she saw her all the time - she just wanted me! I had to go back and chose a nursery I felt 100% confident with. Settling took awhile (my daughter was 5 days, term time only) but it did happen. She became very happy there. It really helped that I was so confident in the staff so when she had a wobble I didn't. She found going back after the holidays tough each time. She will be fine!

Ontomatopea · 06/08/2022 07:58

Start the settling in sessions now

Mariposista · 06/08/2022 08:10

Heck no! Get her to nursery and stop this clinginess before you go insane!

Sarahcoggles · 06/08/2022 08:18

If you can afford to give up work I would definitely do it.

I'm a single parent and have always worked, and DS1 cried as a dropped him at nursery for about a year. It broke my heart every time. They told me he was fine when I left, but that wasn't
much consolation.
When I had DS2 I employed a nanny, but then they both cried when I left for work!
Once they started school they were fine, no separation anxiety at all. They're now teens who barely notice I exist!
I wish I'd been able to spend more time with them when they were little, and not had to leave them in settings that made them cry. DS1 will be going to university next year, and I can hardly believe it's come round so fast. I'll never understand this desire people have (as evidenced by previous posts) to break the bond between baby and mum. It breaks too soon anyway!

londonlass71 · 06/08/2022 08:26

She will be ok. Just keep at it. Once she settles she will be fine.

ImustLearn2Cook · 06/08/2022 08:42

KangarooKenny · 06/08/2022 07:00

Have you done a settling in session ? It would be wrong to just drop her off for the first day.

I agree with this. I worked in nurseries where we had a transitioning period. First parents visit the room that baby/toddler/child would be in and be there with their baby/toddler/child and play with the toys, help them become familiar with the carers, other children, the nursery environment. Then second is leaving for short periods of time and increasing to half day to full day.

It really helps baby/toddler/child to adjust. Make sure your little one sees friendly interactions between you and staff to help build trust.

Hope it all goes well. Ultimately it is your decision and you need to trust your instincts.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/08/2022 08:56

In the most brutal way possible, this is a) normal b) you need the money and c) as a (semi) lockdown baby your DD will benefit from spending time with other small children.

It is hard to leave your child with someone else to look after. It requires enormous trust in them. You will second guess yourself constantly but listen to your gut.

She will have a lovely time, they will distract her when she is upset with far more skill and practice than your mum (Multiple people and babies singing Old McDonald enthusiastically and waving musical instruments is a different ball game to an anxious granny)

And money will give you choices as a family. The choice to have a second and give her a sibling if you want to, the choice to work less or more, holidays and other enriching experiences, and potentially just keeping your home heated this winter. Hmm
You've had some good advice re settling in sessions but you can also go in and spend time there with her I am sure. It's also useful to make some notes over the next couple of weeks of things that settle her, what upsets her, favourite foods and active dislikes. How can you make it easier for her and for you to build a relationship with her nursery assistant.