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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send her to nursery

39 replies

dearmew · 06/08/2022 05:36

Hi everyone

I can't sleep as I'm thinking I'm about to make a big mistake.

I'm due to go back to work after maternity in 2 weeks. Have signed up DD to attend nursery 3x full days a week

The issue is that she's sooo attached to me.. at the moment I can't even go to the toilet without her screaming as she can't see where I am.

I left her with my mum the other day for 3 hours. She cried the entire time. Mum had to put her in the car and go for a drive as DD was making herself sick. She's not breastfed so it's not to do with feeding.

Aibu to send her to nursery?
Would you quit and stay at home? Financially I think we could afford it however with all the interest rates doing up/ energy bills etc. We could do with my salary. I'm so nervous this change will have a major impact on DD

Any advice? X

OP posts:
urrrgh46 · 06/08/2022 09:42

Would just like to remind people that it's not always normal and some babies are ND, which can become more apparent as the baby/toddler/child ages. My 5th child absolutely did not settle and would never have done in nursery, as she didn't in school. Her separation anxiety and the stress her neurodiversity causes her meant such situations will never be acceptable to her. She's autistic and she has high rate DLA and I carers allowance for her. She has an IQ of 150+ and had no speech delay.
The OP will not know whether nursery will work for her baby but it's simply not true to say separation anxiety is temporary and always normal.

urrrgh46 · 06/08/2022 09:43

Sorry! Should say OP won't know til she try's whether nursery will work. Nursery may not but a childminder or nanny may work better.

MissMaple82 · 06/08/2022 09:50

No, she'll be fine

MissMaple82 · 06/08/2022 09:51

urrrgh46 · 06/08/2022 09:42

Would just like to remind people that it's not always normal and some babies are ND, which can become more apparent as the baby/toddler/child ages. My 5th child absolutely did not settle and would never have done in nursery, as she didn't in school. Her separation anxiety and the stress her neurodiversity causes her meant such situations will never be acceptable to her. She's autistic and she has high rate DLA and I carers allowance for her. She has an IQ of 150+ and had no speech delay.
The OP will not know whether nursery will work for her baby but it's simply not true to say separation anxiety is temporary and always normal.

Did you try her in nursery though? Amd for how long?

urrrgh46 · 06/08/2022 09:57

@MissMaple82 she's 12. She's home educated because no educational setting works for her other than home. Her eldest sibling (also autistic) loved the school setting from the academic point of view, although struggled socially and has just graduated with a first in a science subject from a top university.

Original poster
dearmew · 06/08/2022 10:29

Oh thank you so so sooo much for the reassurance everyone. Good to know it's normal.

I just have such massive guilt feeling. It's harder than I've ever imagined

She's 11 months and a half

OP posts:
Original poster
dearmew · 06/08/2022 10:31

We haven't done a settling in session yet. I'm so nervous she has two in a week 😭

Is it normal to feel like the worst mum? 🥲

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2022 10:34

I'm not sending mine to nursery until at least three because I can afford and want to be off with her and can return to the job market without losing out. Are these options?

felineweird · 06/08/2022 10:40

I did similar at a similar age. Yes it took her some getting used to but now she absolutely loves it and it was the best thing I could have done x

GrazingSheep · 06/08/2022 10:41

Have you a back up plan in case it doesn’t work out?

VintageVest · 06/08/2022 10:42

Personally if I didn't have to go back to work, I wouldn't but many don't hace a choice. Nursery at this age is for the purpose of allowing the parent, usually mum, to go to work. If that's what you need or want to do then you will have to do it, but you will both have a natural instinct to want to stay together so what you are both feeling is completely nornal.

rumplestiltskinp · 06/08/2022 12:24

You've asked two questions:

  1. AIBU to send her? By whose standards? It needs to be yours? Do you want it to be mine? Or another poster? I just mean you're asking for a consensus and there isn't one, well there is one on here, it's go to work.
  2. What would I do? Well I would 100% stay home because you don't get that time back. But that's me and I will not have the most popular opinions on here.
I don't know if you want honesty or reassurance. For what it's worth I do believe the years spent solely on children, if you enjoy it, can be the best of your life. I spent two years off work with my baby, not because I was rich, though I was privileged, I had state benefits to fund it after leaving DV and everything behind. I was in a DV refuge just me and the baby, we spent our first christmas entirely alone. And you know what, it was the absolute best time of my life that I would not trade for anything because I gave myself to my baby for those two years, completely, and I would advise it to others with all my heart.

But you're not me and I'm not you and the choice you make will be the best one for you and your family.

Flittingaboutagain · 06/08/2022 13:01

rumplestiltskinp

What an incredible thing you've been through and all credit to you. I feel the same way but am often called PFB as an insult because I adore being home with my baby.

allboysherebutme · 06/08/2022 22:53

It will do you both good. X

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