Dan with late teen daughter.

[SlightyConfussedMostOfTheTIME]

Good evening all, and thank you for A, taking the time to drop into my question, and B, for any comments and advise you maybe able to provide.

Not to waffle for too long, which I am known for, being fifty one now, last year I got divorced from my wife of thirty three years after a years separation, there wasn't any infidelity, not that I know about, she just upped and walked out having struggled with a certain time in her life (menopause), which both myself and our two daughters, who are now twenty four and nineteen, tried to understand, support and assist wherever possible, unfortunately, she wouldn't except that she was going through some significant changes, any changes in fact. Even through she started to suffer with unreasonable behavior and fits of rage, I'll add that it was never aimed at the kids, so I bore the brunt of it, suffering a broken nose twice, dislocated fingers, several broken ribs, and more knee's and kicks to the *uts that I'd care to mention.

Although the kids didn't physically suffer, they did in many other ways, especially when they heard or saw the result of said "incidents". The kids at this stage were saying to me that I/we should leave her because towards the end even they had had enough of the turmoil, but as I pointed out, this wasn't something of her own making, and if "mummy" had been suffering with cancer for example, would we leave her because of the things she was going through? Personally, this was the woman I met as a young lad, her being a young girl separated only by a couple of months in age, we dated, fell in love, married and suffered the highs and lows of what life, love and the universe can throw at you, but through everything I never thought my life would end at some stage in the future without her being in my arms.

Not to digress too much, the little bit of back story is pertinent because the girls decided to stay with me after the separation, and then two months after she moved out the eldest visited her and was manipulated her into moving in, the mum saying she was lonely etc. The daughter naturally thinking if she didn't, and because of her mindset, anything could happen. So off she went to stay with her.

In some respects I had hoped that them being together may have helped the wife see reason, for I loved her, still love her, will always love her, but the information I was getting back was that she didn't know what she wanted, therefore being separated helped, which in my mind translated to her then not having to deal with the issues in hand, for it became clear that her mind was thinking that being wrong, was her being a bad person, and this she couldn't reconcile.

Anyhow, trying my best to provide a stable environment for child number two, I set about trying to put a new home together, for it was just her and me, until the bf came along, which I didn't/don't really have any issues with, but if I was honest, I found him a bit wet, which came to fruition when they went out drinking several weeks ago, this was around the beginning of July. Anyhow, the rules are, that she doesn't drink too muck, doesn't take drinks or rides from strangers (either of them) and she MUST call if there is any problems. Anyhow, off they go with my best wishes and the reminder of the above rules, if it was colder months it would also include "have you a coat!" With that, I settle down for an evening of finishing a book, and maybe a tad of Netflix, I don't drink at home, never have, and even if I did I wouldn't when she was out just in case.

So. Come eleven at night I hear this noise in the back garden and go to investigate and find an extremely drunk young lady who was barely able to stand, she crawled over the threshold to the house, and after noting no BF with her, I sat her down on the sofa and made her a coffee and tried to talk, the long and the short of it all was they had argued and he had walked off and left her in town blindly drunk, I could feel the veins in my neck expanding, but she was home safe, now, and she became emotional, to the point of near hysterical, saying such things as he's going to kill himself, and I (she) needed to go and search for him, my reply being, you're not leaving the house in the state you are to walk/crawl around the streets, this in turned into a very heated argument, certainly from her side as I was maintaining that I wouldn't let her out, not that there was a lot I could do if she was determined.

Anyhow, after a very long couple of hours where what was said by her was just vile, and certainly reminiscent of her mums language, things settled enough for her to close the door to her room for an hour, me, staying downstairs just in case the bf arrived, or she needed anything, every now and again I would call and get a grunt in return. Then, to my surprise her door flies open and she storms down and says her bf is at his house and she's leaving, already having several bags packed. What could I do except help her with the bags into a cab, and hoping that sobriety the next day will bring some common sense, anyhow, she didn't/hasn't come back so I've been playing as light hearted as I can, and we've talked, met for lunch etc. but getting the feeling that it could turn into a log term arrangement.

I accept all kids leave home, but there was no warning to this, anyhow, onto my main point, sorry for the rambling. The second week of July she heads off on holiday for a week in the sun with the bf, which was booked well in advance, but my issue being, that when she was here she wasn't the tidiest of people, in fact, the two bedrooms she inhabited were often ground for conflict, food stuffs, drinks, snakes, spillages on the carpet, all added to animal crap (two rodents) that would spill out onto the floor. She took the pets with her. I don't like to say it but it was truly degusting.

Being that she left in such a rush, and she had only come back for stuff when she needed it, together with the holiday happening so closely, the rooms were worse that ever, so the doors were closed, but I did go in to open a window occasionally to let some fresh air in, which also included partly removing a mesh screen she had over windows to stop bugs from coming in.

Anyhow, before she left for the hold. I asked if she could sort the room before she left, this didn't happen, when she came back I asked several more times, but to no avail, but as I pointed out to her, the smell and the mess doesn't get better with time, but in her mind I think it was the case of "out of sight, out of mind."

Anyhow, I head into the room on Monday and because a window was open, some papers had blown off the window sill, it was then I noticed some melted chocolate with maggot crawling around it, also seeing them on the floor I got into action straight away, and one thing led to another, one food item, one drink can/bottle, or one maggot at a time, I spent nearly eight hours sorting both rooms, I say sorting, I mean picking up clothes, bagging general rubbish, and MOST CERTAINLY NOT, rummaging around, after all, and no matter how old she is, it's my little girls room, so I was mindful if you get my meaning.

At the end of a very long day, and not having really given it much thought, I looked at the six bags of rubbish and felt pretty good for all my effort and the overall outcome, having boxed clothes, picked all the makeup off the floor and stored it neatly into a plastic crate. I should also point out, I was/am allergic to her small fury friends, my eyes would swell, I'd get a sore throat, and get a rash pretty mush everywhere, so much of the time was pent with a face mask on, but we've all grown used to them in this day and age, so it didn't seem like a hardship, although the eyes suffered terribly.

At the end of the cleanup, I take a couple of photos of the rooms and send then together with a short message explaining about the maggots, and all the work put in whilst trying to make it look all nice, neat and clean for her, and saying that the only thing she had to do herself was the ensuite bathroom, and a pile of clothes in the corner of one of the rooms, this contained girly stuff like undergarments' PJ's and obviously worn clothes etc.

The reply wasn't what I was expecting. Firstly she said that there shouldn't have been maggots as the mesh should have stopped flies getting in, I hold my hands up, I did open the window and remove the mesh to a degree. But in reply, I pointed out that I should've been able to leave all the windows open without the mesh and the issue was all the food and scraps left laying around. This I thought she'd reason out and accept the point, by return, she said that "she can't get her head around that I had invaded her privacy so badly," End of subject.

That was four days ago, and not a peep from her, and I'm left feeling as I had on so many days with her mum, that I was only trying to help, and I had somehow got it completely wrong.

Hence my very long write up.......Have I?

Should I be the one to give way and try to reconcile, or do I trust my instinct and stay tough and make her try to see reason.

As mentioned before.....Your advice, and or comments would be appreciated.

Many thanks,

Apologies for any grammatical errors, noting the one on the Header Title, so please forgive me.

I think you did invade her privacy but also she was being gross.

From now on I would talk about house rules and potentially her paying rent.

upon reflection I know I should've maybe dealt with the maggots and then maybe talked to her about expanding the clean up, this is where my mind is now, but the cutting me off dead is what's getting my heckles up, after all this time, she should've surely known that I get on with things without maybe thinking that others wont see it being as harmless as I do.

That said, and without me even mentioning it, rent is something I have never even discussed with her, all food and luxury items are paid for even though she's in full time employment.

'she should've surely known that I get on with things without maybe thinking that others wont see it being as harmless as I do.'

So you expect her to just accept the fact that you knowingly ignore her feelings? Perhaps she expected a bit more respect from a 51 year old adult?

I think you both need to engage with each other more as adults than as father/daughter. She needs to grow up a bit and you need to give her space as an adult. You g adults do make mistakes and she perhaps needs the space to do this.

She needs to be paying some rent.
The boundaries need to be clearer.
Let her have her fun and she will come home and then you can establish some strong boundaries and rules aka no maggots in your bedroom and under crackers need to be downstairs before they walk down.
Your relationships change as we all get older.
I wouldn't be texting/ bombarding/ annoying/ trying to call her. Let her come to you.
And you get out and about and reclaim your gaff :) and life.
And teenagers/ early adults are emotional and blow up. (Oh the stories I could tell you!)

If she's moved out, pets and all, those are no longer her rooms and she has no right to privacy in them - certainly no rights that mean she thinks it's ok to leave mouldering food everywhere. Never mind flies and maggots, she'd be attracting mice and rats (and they don't fly away when they grow up...)

She's an adult, she's working. Let her stand on her own two feet.

No I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. Your house - you’re paying the bills - she should be grateful you cleaned up her mess instead of doing what she did and leaving it to fester. As for posters saying you invaded her privacy - what privacy? She moved out in a strop - I assume she took what she wanted with her. Unless she’s renting the room from you you’re entitled to do what you want with it.

if she comes back I’d be telling her to keep the rodents out of the bedroom - it’s more likely the mess they left behind attracted the flies.

man up and think about what YOU want. She must have seen the way her mother treated you - start believing you deserve a bit of respect.

Yeah,

I see the point, but I suspect in my own messed up way I knew my pushing the issue would lead to more conflict and more resistance from her, because by the time I had started the tidy up, I had asked maybe six times, and had I pushed the issue then I assumed that it'd turn into an argument, which it usually had when I asked her to tidy it in the past, albeit it was never this bad in the past.

I almost got the impression of, if I'm not living there then what's the problem, but I suspect it this question of respect, for when I think about my respect of her space, I come full circle to, the respect of my house.

But I've dropped her a message in the hope to start some dialog so I've taken the first step as the responsible adult. The hope being, that advice gleaned on here will help me approach the subject in ways that might not have otherwise thought about.

Being truthful, losing he wife effectively meant I lost on half of my reasoning, for I was the lets just do it, whereas she was the one that said, think of the why and the outcome, it was the perfect balance, for the first twenty nine or so years!

capability,

You’ve all come out of an abusive situation and are finding your feet. Be kind to one another and start to slowly set some rules. Being chronically messy can be a sign of emotional pain, it’s not always just about being a messy teenager. Talk calmly and establish some house rules. Well done for building your life back up, it sounds like you’re doing a great job and are a great dad.

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time of it just now.

Teenage girls can be manky, selfish and inconsiderate daughter-flat mates. I was one.

My mum left my dad for another guy when I was 21. I too stayed with my dad. My room was always a pigsty and he knew not to go in. And he respected that. (I respected it was his house and he paid the bills, although it was also my childhood home, he was the owner).

However if I’d left rotting foodstuffs in there, all the towels or plates were in there used etc or there was a smell coming, out he’d have told me to sort it today or he’d go in there and sort it himself. It was then up to me to decide how to proceed.

Your daughter effectively moved out. She’d had numerous requests to come back and tidy. She ignored. You had to step in. What did she think would happen lol! She was being inconsiderate and she’s the one at fault. Try giving deadlines if the situation arises again. ie if this mess isn’t cleared up by the weekend I’m going in with a bin bag so if you don’t want me in there get your finger out and get the mess tidied prior.

I’d suggest she’s prob just excited about the boyfriend and not thinking about you or your feelings or how you’re coping with the separation from your wife. Just full of herself and her own desires. I was like that too. Just young and thoughtless. I wanted this and that and then the bf and where we could go and what we could afford to do, living for the weekend etc.

She’ll get better as she gets older. Don’t be a doormat but also be there for her. Difficult balance I know.

Your house and you’re entitled to have it maggot free. Food and discarded drinks left lying around could have attracted mice ( not sure how they’d get into a bedroom but I wouldn’t want to chance it. ) If her things were so private she should have taken steps to keep them that way.

I think you are acting submissive to her and she is treating you like a doormat - I am sorry there is a lack of respect for you.
But don't worry too much I am sure at 19 she is just acting a bit thoughtless and she will come to appreciate and value you more as she gets older and matures.

Mice can get through a gap the size of a pencil. And once there's one, there's a pair, and then...

With the dirty rubbish etc maggots could have started by a flu coming in via another window anyway. I would have gone ballistic if that was a room in my house. Privacy or no privacy sk I really wouldn't feel bad about that whatsoever. Go to sleep tonight knowing they're not rotting in a room in your house

I maybe would have worded it a bit different. Maybe sending a message saying something along the lines of 'you know, you are always welcome home. Your room is clean and tidy if you decide to come back. Love you' could have worked better
And FYI a half arsed gesture (i.e sending her photos of a clean/tidy room then saying but you still have to finish XYZ) will never be well received.

Sorry, a fly coming in

There was a post on mn recently where a fly came in and landed on dds foor a bit longer than normal ... it had laid eggs which then formed maggots

Disgusting

So yeah, the maggots were inevitable! Yuk

Sorry my typing is atrocious tonight

The FLY landed on the posters TOE on her FOOT for a bit longer than normal ... it was laying eggs which then formed maggots
There was a photo

So never worry yourself that you've cleaned too much

I think she’s being an entitled madam. She has chosen to live elsewhere and left you with the smell of the filth and decay, and storage of her things. She doesn’t pay rent or contribute to bills, and expects you to be on standby anyway. I’d tell her that you are going to get a lodger to contribute to the running costs of the home and that she needs to collect her stuff. She’s 19, not 12! (If she does want to come back, there’s always the other room)

sorry OP i wanted to help, but fuck me I can't read that epistle I have to be at work on Monday

She thinks you are a doormat and treats you and the home you provide with contempt. She doesn't recognise that you love her and are giving her plenty of room to err. You are not doing her any favours.

Where else could she get away with her appalling behaviour? Who else would tolerate her?
Leave her be for a while. Make her approach you and don't be too glad to see her. Make her work to win the affection she used to get for free. Don't urge her to come home. Redecorate her room the way you like it and empty it of all her things as she doesn't live there any more . It will mean fireworks, of course, but you just put her out the door and tell her she will be welcome back when she has learned how to behave

She packed her bags and left, you were perfectly entitled to clear the room out, not that you should have to clear up someone else's mess but teens/young adults can be messy. I would be waiting for an apology tbh. Your wife sounds like a right piece of work you are better off without her for sure. Perhaps it was a medical issue but surely she could have sought help and she shouldn't have taken it out on you. At 51 you are young enough to rebuild your life as a single man, it sounds like you have had a good relationship with your dc in the past so its likely that that will resume at some point.

OP, I can't believe your wife actually broke your ribs and the other injuries. This is way more than the menopause. Has she been assessed by mental health professionals?

As for your daughter - her room sounds beyond disgusting. Of course you can't just leave it like that fgs. She should be ashamed. What twenty-something leaves plates of rotting food attracting maggots? This is your house. Do what you need to do. How dare she storm off and then guilt-trip you about maintaining basic standards in a room she has apparently left.

Anyway, chances are she'll be back before long, in high drama mode and expecting you to pick up the pieces, so just maintain a dignified silence in the meantime.. I'm very sorry for all your experiences and hope they all calm down in the near future. But don't take any more from any of them.

I would like to just say thank you to those that have left comments, as a whole they have all been very positive and support what my assessment of the situation, but to be clear, because I may come across as a bit submissive in all the events, which is quite some way from the truth given I go to the gym five times a week, swim regularly, used to be a fairly proficient boxer and I currently run a company with several hundred employees, with oversight of four offices and three laboratories, the latter of all this is where I suspect I picked up the need for cleanliness nd hygiene.

That said, away from my work sphere, and with matters of the family and the heart, I'm bit of a softy, and yes, as many of you have noted, maybe even a pushover, or to use another term, used as a doormat at times.

But, with everything that's being said it's like having a confidante who's worldly and well meaning, so, a fist bump to you all and an applause to the community. 👊👏

I don’t think it’s an invasion of her privacy to clean up the room. What is there to keep private in dirty clothes and mouldy food in a room that’s no longer her primary residence? It’s your house OP, and if she wants privacy she needs to either keep her junk at her primary residence (and preferably take it all there herself), or respect your home and keep it clean. It’s not rocket science. She’s being selfish and immature.

It sounds like you could have a conversation to explain that you love her, you want relationship with her, perhaps you feel vulnerable about keeping that relationship because your beloved marriage didn’t work out how you wanted, and you would really appreciate having her support. You asked her several times to clean the room, she didn’t, so what did she expect you to do? You need to protect your investment in the property and your quality of life. It’s all part of being an adult and one day she will understand that when she gets her own house etc. You weren’t intentionally disrespecting her, but she was disrespecting your house (perhaps she didn’t think of it that way) and it needed sorting. How would she like to move forward to build relationship? How would you? Where is the compromise between those two approaches to reach a common goal?

I can't believe that you have rules that your adult daughter has to keep when she goes out!
It sounds as though you still see her as a little girl and can't accept that she is now grown up.
That said, I don't think you were unreasonable to sort out the maggot issue, but in general, I don't think you should be in her room sorting through her things.
If she does move back, I think you need to re-balance your relationship.

I’m shocked at other posters tbh.
you’ve done nothing wrong and she left so she has no right to expect privacy.
my parents would rightly have told me I forfeited my right to privacy by leaving such a disgusting mess.
she sounds abusive, your ex wife sounds abusive.