SlightyConfussedMostOfTheTIME ·
05/08/2022 22:11
Good evening all, and thank you for A, taking the time to drop into my question, and B, for any comments and advise you maybe able to provide.
Not to waffle for too long, which I am known for, being fifty one now, last year I got divorced from my wife of thirty three years after a years separation, there wasn't any infidelity, not that I know about, she just upped and walked out having struggled with a certain time in her life (menopause), which both myself and our two daughters, who are now twenty four and nineteen, tried to understand, support and assist wherever possible, unfortunately, she wouldn't except that she was going through some significant changes, any changes in fact. Even through she started to suffer with unreasonable behavior and fits of rage, I'll add that it was never aimed at the kids, so I bore the brunt of it, suffering a broken nose twice, dislocated fingers, several broken ribs, and more knee's and kicks to the *uts that I'd care to mention.
Although the kids didn't physically suffer, they did in many other ways, especially when they heard or saw the result of said "incidents". The kids at this stage were saying to me that I/we should leave her because towards the end even they had had enough of the turmoil, but as I pointed out, this wasn't something of her own making, and if "mummy" had been suffering with cancer for example, would we leave her because of the things she was going through? Personally, this was the woman I met as a young lad, her being a young girl separated only by a couple of months in age, we dated, fell in love, married and suffered the highs and lows of what life, love and the universe can throw at you, but through everything I never thought my life would end at some stage in the future without her being in my arms.
Not to digress too much, the little bit of back story is pertinent because the girls decided to stay with me after the separation, and then two months after she moved out the eldest visited her and was manipulated her into moving in, the mum saying she was lonely etc. The daughter naturally thinking if she didn't, and because of her mindset, anything could happen. So off she went to stay with her.
In some respects I had hoped that them being together may have helped the wife see reason, for I loved her, still love her, will always love her, but the information I was getting back was that she didn't know what she wanted, therefore being separated helped, which in my mind translated to her then not having to deal with the issues in hand, for it became clear that her mind was thinking that being wrong, was her being a bad person, and this she couldn't reconcile.
Anyhow, trying my best to provide a stable environment for child number two, I set about trying to put a new home together, for it was just her and me, until the bf came along, which I didn't/don't really have any issues with, but if I was honest, I found him a bit wet, which came to fruition when they went out drinking several weeks ago, this was around the beginning of July. Anyhow, the rules are, that she doesn't drink too muck, doesn't take drinks or rides from strangers (either of them) and she MUST call if there is any problems. Anyhow, off they go with my best wishes and the reminder of the above rules, if it was colder months it would also include "have you a coat!" With that, I settle down for an evening of finishing a book, and maybe a tad of Netflix, I don't drink at home, never have, and even if I did I wouldn't when she was out just in case.
So. Come eleven at night I hear this noise in the back garden and go to investigate and find an extremely drunk young lady who was barely able to stand, she crawled over the threshold to the house, and after noting no BF with her, I sat her down on the sofa and made her a coffee and tried to talk, the long and the short of it all was they had argued and he had walked off and left her in town blindly drunk, I could feel the veins in my neck expanding, but she was home safe, now, and she became emotional, to the point of near hysterical, saying such things as he's going to kill himself, and I (she) needed to go and search for him, my reply being, you're not leaving the house in the state you are to walk/crawl around the streets, this in turned into a very heated argument, certainly from her side as I was maintaining that I wouldn't let her out, not that there was a lot I could do if she was determined.
Anyhow, after a very long couple of hours where what was said by her was just vile, and certainly reminiscent of her mums language, things settled enough for her to close the door to her room for an hour, me, staying downstairs just in case the bf arrived, or she needed anything, every now and again I would call and get a grunt in return. Then, to my surprise her door flies open and she storms down and says her bf is at his house and she's leaving, already having several bags packed. What could I do except help her with the bags into a cab, and hoping that sobriety the next day will bring some common sense, anyhow, she didn't/hasn't come back so I've been playing as light hearted as I can, and we've talked, met for lunch etc. but getting the feeling that it could turn into a log term arrangement.
I accept all kids leave home, but there was no warning to this, anyhow, onto my main point, sorry for the rambling. The second week of July she heads off on holiday for a week in the sun with the bf, which was booked well in advance, but my issue being, that when she was here she wasn't the tidiest of people, in fact, the two bedrooms she inhabited were often ground for conflict, food stuffs, drinks, snakes, spillages on the carpet, all added to animal crap (two rodents) that would spill out onto the floor. She took the pets with her. I don't like to say it but it was truly degusting.
Being that she left in such a rush, and she had only come back for stuff when she needed it, together with the holiday happening so closely, the rooms were worse that ever, so the doors were closed, but I did go in to open a window occasionally to let some fresh air in, which also included partly removing a mesh screen she had over windows to stop bugs from coming in.
Anyhow, before she left for the hold. I asked if she could sort the room before she left, this didn't happen, when she came back I asked several more times, but to no avail, but as I pointed out to her, the smell and the mess doesn't get better with time, but in her mind I think it was the case of "out of sight, out of mind."
Anyhow, I head into the room on Monday and because a window was open, some papers had blown off the window sill, it was then I noticed some melted chocolate with maggot crawling around it, also seeing them on the floor I got into action straight away, and one thing led to another, one food item, one drink can/bottle, or one maggot at a time, I spent nearly eight hours sorting both rooms, I say sorting, I mean picking up clothes, bagging general rubbish, and MOST CERTAINLY NOT, rummaging around, after all, and no matter how old she is, it's my little girls room, so I was mindful if you get my meaning.
At the end of a very long day, and not having really given it much thought, I looked at the six bags of rubbish and felt pretty good for all my effort and the overall outcome, having boxed clothes, picked all the makeup off the floor and stored it neatly into a plastic crate. I should also point out, I was/am allergic to her small fury friends, my eyes would swell, I'd get a sore throat, and get a rash pretty mush everywhere, so much of the time was pent with a face mask on, but we've all grown used to them in this day and age, so it didn't seem like a hardship, although the eyes suffered terribly.
At the end of the cleanup, I take a couple of photos of the rooms and send then together with a short message explaining about the maggots, and all the work put in whilst trying to make it look all nice, neat and clean for her, and saying that the only thing she had to do herself was the ensuite bathroom, and a pile of clothes in the corner of one of the rooms, this contained girly stuff like undergarments' PJ's and obviously worn clothes etc.
The reply wasn't what I was expecting. Firstly she said that there shouldn't have been maggots as the mesh should have stopped flies getting in, I hold my hands up, I did open the window and remove the mesh to a degree. But in reply, I pointed out that I should've been able to leave all the windows open without the mesh and the issue was all the food and scraps left laying around. This I thought she'd reason out and accept the point, by return, she said that "she can't get her head around that I had invaded her privacy so badly," End of subject.
That was four days ago, and not a peep from her, and I'm left feeling as I had on so many days with her mum, that I was only trying to help, and I had somehow got it completely wrong.
Hence my very long write up.......Have I?
Should I be the one to give way and try to reconcile, or do I trust my instinct and stay tough and make her try to see reason.
As mentioned before.....Your advice, and or comments would be appreciated.
Many thanks,