Are most teenagers horrible to their parents ?

Needwine999 · 2022-08-05T18:02:44+00:00

I feel i cant cope, my daughter is just not pleasant to me most of the time, mainly saying she hates me, everything i do just seems to annoy her, wont eat food i cook just order mc donalds all the time (has a job), just everything i seem to do, or not do, say ,not say, even breathe winds her up. She is 18 and i am hoping this is a phase that passes , other teen parents can you advise? On the other hand she can be great, can say really kind things and works hard in her job she has, its like 2 different people sometimes, my older child was never like this, i try not to get upset and just brush it off and not take it to heart, this is what teenagers do right?

Anothernamechangeplease · 05/08/2022 19:10

It depends on the teenager. My 17yo is lovely and is very considerate, but many can be challenging.

My personal view is that the way they treat their parents is directly linked to how happy they are in themselves. My dd is a lucky kid - she is healthy, does well in school, has loads of lovely friends, a lovely boyfriend, a stable family, a PT job that she really enjoys, a hobby that brings her a lot of happiness, looks great etc. Everything is going right for her and she is happy, so she doesn't feel the need to take anything out on me - there just isn't a ton of pent up anger that she needs to express.

My friend's dd had a terrible time in school, with lots of bullying and friendship issues. She had a few health issues and then her parents went through a messy divorce. She behaved terribly towards her mum, but I think she was just angry with the world. She came through the other side in the end, and is lovely now at nearly 20.

The only advice that I can offer you is to be patient, hang in there and try to get to the bottom of her unhappiness if you can.

jollyhollyday · 05/08/2022 19:11

My DS17 would never act like this, nor would I take it. Complete disrespect for you and all that you are doing for her. I would say 18 is a bit too old to be likely to grow out of myself, she needs a short sharp lesson somehow.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/08/2022 19:12

At 18 she's an adult and needs to grow up. If she 'hates' you she can move out, can't she? Understandable (perhaps) at 13. Not acceptable at 18. She behaves politely and respectfully to all people in the house or she leaves, imo. You don't have to tolerate being treated like shit.

isadoradancing123 · 05/08/2022 19:15

they mainly behave according to expectations, if you allow her to totally disrespect you and be rude then you only have yourself to blame

queenbrothelburglar · 05/08/2022 19:18

One of mine was a dream teenager - polite, considerate, agreeable, lovely company, fun to be around.

He was also the small child of nightmares.

My other has been the teenager from Hell, and was the easiest small child ever born.

It isn't always parenting that's responsible. Sometimes it's also the luck of the draw.

NrlySp · 05/08/2022 19:22

Maybe she is unhappy. is something going on in her life?
But there also needs to be ground rules about behavior and expectations. It can go both way.
She is pretty much an adult. Can manage a job - so can clearly behave there.
Have a meeting and set expectations together. A clear the air chat with no negative consequences. But you can’t be rude to each other. Grievances need to be phased diplomatically eg Mum I would like to choose what we eat some nights. When you tell me x is for Tea that’s why I get Mc Donald’s. Possible solution your daughter chooses and cooks dinner 2 nights a week. Or on Sunday you sit down together and meal plan the week. You share the responsibility to shop for the items. And agree how to stick with them.
This gives her some decision making powers.
you could say: I feel really hurt when you roll your eyes/shout at me/swear etc. Please move away from me/talk to me about what’s troubling you when you feel like that.

tobedtoMN · 05/08/2022 19:23

IMO some rather unhelpful comments above. YES teenagers are very difficult. I think being the mum of teenagers is one of the hardest periods of my life. You have my sympathy.

Tothemoonandbackx · 05/08/2022 19:24

Short answer.....YES...

Rafferty10 · 05/08/2022 19:26

My DS17 would never act like this, nor would I take it. Complete disrespect for you and all that you are doing for her. I would say 18 is a bit too old to be likely to grow out of myself, she needs a short sharp lesson somehow.

This ^

TonTonMacoute · 05/08/2022 19:26

At first I thought you were going to say she was 14/15. Behaving like this at 18 doesn't sound normal.

It sounds like DD needs a serious dose of reality. She is an adult, she needs to start behaving like one, and that includes showing some common civility to her parent. She can be polite or find somewhere else to live.

Sometimes you need to be a parent not a friend, and give them a bit of a shock before they appreciate how lucky they are. They are just testing you to see how far they can go, once they have established where the boundaries are they usually calm down.

When they come crawling back saying how sorry they are, that's the time you go back to being a softy again, but you have to stand up to bad manners.

TailSpinner · 05/08/2022 19:27

What’s your response when she says these things to you?
I don’t have teens myself yet, but I remember being one… I definitely had bratty moments, but my mum put me back in my place pretty quickly. Most of my friends were the same except two - I remember being round their houses and they were really rude and nasty their parents, it was really awkward. And I remember just being astounded at the fact that the parents didn’t really say anything, because my mum definitely would have given me a bollucking. One of the mums would just kind of laugh it off awkwardly when my friend to was nasty to her. What I’m saying is, teens sense weakness it seems - maybe if my mum hadn’t been as firm I would have been more of a shit too given the chance. You need to put her in her place if you’re not already doing so.

RubyandPearl · 05/08/2022 19:41

Oh my goodness I was thinking this very thing just now. Youngest is now 16 and I'm fed up with them being shitty. I'm fairly sure I haven't done anything to deserve it and I've had enough now! I feel your pain OP x

Meadowbreeze · 05/08/2022 19:43

I wouldn't say this is common at 18. I thought you were going to say they're 14/15.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 05/08/2022 19:47

Well I am currently refusing to give /spend any money on dd 15 besides food.. She already does her own laundry. Which was left out for a week on the dining table so is hidden in a box until she realises..no day trips. And her iPhone is on it's last legs!! Can't wait for that to fall apart!

TenoringBehind · 05/08/2022 19:52

Mine are (16, 14). Occasionally they can be lovely too.

Original poster

Needwine999 · 05/08/2022 19:56

Thanks all, i think some understand here more than others, probably the ones who have teenagers. I don't think she is unhappy, there isn't a set age for teenage drama, it can happen at any age and doesn't magically turn off at 18!! I am always calm and tell her it is not nice to speak to me that way, i don't now what else i can do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needwine999 · 05/08/2022 19:57

tobedtoMN · 05/08/2022 19:23

IMO some rather unhelpful comments above. YES teenagers are very difficult. I think being the mum of teenagers is one of the hardest periods of my life. You have my sympathy.

Thank you, glad you understand, maybe it is natures way to have it like this, so you want them to move out !

OP posts:

Littlemissprosecco · 05/08/2022 19:58

Just make sure she knows you love her unconditionally

Littlemissprosecco · 05/08/2022 20:00

Mine are 20, 18 and 16, all different, in different ways. It’s beyond challenging

w0rkschmurk · 05/08/2022 20:02

I was that teenager. Looking back, I think it was because I went through a lot of upheaval (family moved around a lot) and I had absolutely no emotional support. Plus my attitude/behaviour (mainly backchat, bad attitude etc) was always met with anger and punishments from my parents, which just made me resent them more.

Is there anything going on in your daughter's life just now that she might be struggling with?

I don't think coming down hard on her is the way to go. There's probably some underlying issue that is making things difficult for her.

Fairislefandango · 05/08/2022 20:04

No, not all teenagers behave like that. You need to reward nice behaviour with kindness and generosity, and inconvenience her for bad behaviour, as if she were a toddler. Telling her it's not nice to speak to you like that clearly isn't working.

The OP hasn't said her dd is unhappy. She just sounds like she's being rude and entitled.

Original poster

Needwine999 · 05/08/2022 20:04

Nope, just being a pain in the arse.

OP posts:

Meatshake · 05/08/2022 20:17

Some kids are just being entitled little shits.

For others it's a trauma response, low self esteem, fear coming out as anger, or attachment issues maturing.

Treating the latter kid like the first kid will just compound it and make it worse though.

Thinkbiglittleone · 05/08/2022 21:03

Anothernamechangeplease · 05/08/2022 19:10

It depends on the teenager. My 17yo is lovely and is very considerate, but many can be challenging.

My personal view is that the way they treat their parents is directly linked to how happy they are in themselves. My dd is a lucky kid - she is healthy, does well in school, has loads of lovely friends, a lovely boyfriend, a stable family, a PT job that she really enjoys, a hobby that brings her a lot of happiness, looks great etc. Everything is going right for her and she is happy, so she doesn't feel the need to take anything out on me - there just isn't a ton of pent up anger that she needs to express.

My friend's dd had a terrible time in school, with lots of bullying and friendship issues. She had a few health issues and then her parents went through a messy divorce. She behaved terribly towards her mum, but I think she was just angry with the world. She came through the other side in the end, and is lovely now at nearly 20.

The only advice that I can offer you is to be patient, hang in there and try to get to the bottom of her unhappiness if you can.

A great post IMO.

My friends teenager went through a little phase of being really unkind, turned out she was unhappy with things in school, she had anger and let it out in the one she loved most.
She is a lovely person and they are really close now

Flippety · 05/08/2022 21:08

I had a friend who went through this difficult phase at that age and she came out the other side just as the ones (like me) who went through it at an earlier age. Good luck. Maybe try and be firm with your expectations whatever the reason for her being difficult, but also be kind to yourself and don’t listen to judgy people! 💐